New and not coping

[Sammie29]

Hi All

I am new on this site and could do with some advice as i am not coping well at all at the moment.

I am living with my partner, and his daughter lives with us half the time. 3 days one week, 4 the next. She is on the whole very lovely, but she is an only child and is doted on hand and foot. I was brought up as the eldest of 5 children, by my mum as my dad was away all the time.

Me and partner got together under strange circumstances which make our relationship extremely stressful at the best of times.

What can i not cope with??? they way he brings her up. I am made to feel that my opinion doesnt count as she is not mine. He has never said that, but doesnt stop me feeling it. Little things like not finishing her dinner, then half an hour later having crisps. Not making her bed, never having to do any housework even though a chart is in place, he normally helps her with it or does it for her.

There is a lot more, but too much to put on here 1st time.

xxxxx

[travispickles]

I can empathise - when I got together with DP DSS was 8 and had been very indulged. Throw in a bit of guilt and a lot of compensation by his parents in their dysfunctional relationship and you have a child who doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. I also grew up in a family where you had meals (not the range of options until we find something that you like) and finished them, bedtimes and people didn't run round picking up after you. It's worth reading about detachment (she isn't your child) although obviously always being kind... I have just had my own daughter with DP and DSS (10) is having to deal with not being centre of universe. The problem is usually DP overcompensating but you have to talk to him about expectations otherwise it will be very difficult.

[travispickles]

How old is she?

[Sammie29]

Hi there. thanks for responding. i wasnt sure if anyone would. Very nervous

She is 11. Take now for example, DB has just run her a bath, she shrieked it was too hot, he went running in to turn the cold tap on. He will also wash her hair for her, and dry it. I know it sounds whingy and horrible, but as 12 i was bathing my new born sister and DSD cant bath herself.

We also took her out for dinner tonight, she barely touched her meal, and as soon as we walked in the door she was hungry and he made her a snack.

grrrr

[travispickles]

Blimey it's exactly the same for me with my DSS. I think you have to try to accept that parenting is very different these days - almost all parents I know are much more child-centred than mine ever were. Tbh mine were too much the other way so it is better. However, I have had to gently explain to mine that you are not doing any favours by not enabling the child. I taught DSS to pour his own drink and make cereal. He still gets a book read to him every night he stsys (up to an hour!!), and his hair washed. I don't put up with buggering about with food - we were all going out for lunch (with a guest) and he announced he wasn't hungry (eg - we aren't going now, but wait a bit). His dad does the wheedling thing, I said "well, you can choose to watch us eat, or eat but we are all going now".
How much say do you gdet? Do you live together? How long for? It does get easier...

[emjanedel]

Hi Travispickles
how are you and baby? I have probably missed thread but how did you get on in the end? xx

[Sammie29]

you are right it is very similar.

I get some say and things have got better, but her dad is at her beck and call.

Is a very stressful situation at the best of times as her mum hates me. She is married to my dad. Complicated eh? she had an affair and left her husband my DB and we met through their daughter. Her and my dad dont speak to me,(infact he now doesnt speak to 3/5 of his kids and the other 2 go there only for convenience) but she continues to try and make our lives a living hell.

We have been together for 3 and a half years and been living together for almost a year now.

dont get me wrong, i love DSD. She is on the whole a lovely girl, but the general day to day things are really hard.

The food thing is a constant struggle for me. Bargaining over how many potatoes she should eat only eating certain veg if her dad matches her mouthful for mouthful.

what should i do. i have always been involved in looking after other peoples kids, but i feel out of my depths on this one.

[glasscompletelybroken]

It does sort of help to know that it's not uncommon for Dads to behave like this! I have exactly the same issues and have managed - after 4 years - to make some small changes.

You can't change everything and you can't do much at one time or it seems like you're constantly on their case. The bath thing is not appropriate IMO - she is growing up and may start her periods soon and she needs to learn to look after herself. If I was you I would focus on that one thing and stress that she is going to need to be much more self-sufficient to be able to cope with periods etc.

I have had a constant battle with food too. I can't believe how grateful my DH is when his youngest dd eats her dinner! She's the one who should be grateful that it's been cooked for her!

My own children are grown up and were brought up much more in the old fashioned way. It does seem now that children must have and do whatever they want. I can't imagine what they will be like as adults but time will tell.

[harassedinherpants]

Sammie - has it always been like this or has dbd changed?

I only ask because my dbd is 12, and has been a bit of a pain in a teenage-ery type way since she was roughly 10-ish. It was a big shock to me as I have two much older boys, who weren't really pandered too! Equally, I do think we raise our differently these days. I have a 4yr old dd (ds's are 19 & 21) and I'll readily admit I pander to her more than I did the boys. She's also a bad eater, and yes I'm very grateful when she eats dinner. Any of it!! Sometimes the worry that they're not eating is huge.

I do think that your dh isn't doing her any favours by over indulging her. If she hasn't started her periods, she soon will and then I think she won't be so happy about him washing her hair etc in the bath. Also when she starts secondary school.

Do you think he may be trying to keep her as his "baby"?

[theredhen]

I think sometimes having a child that you don't see very often, you don't really have the time to see them grow up. Some kids want to be independent and grown up too, but some really like being babyed. It gets them attention and stops them having to take responsibility.

Bathing an 11 yr old is, in my opinion, quite odd and she certainly should be eating a varied diet and not being pandered to over food. How on earth is she going to get on at sleep overs etc?

I know of someone who's 10 yr old didn't know how to use a knife and fork because the mother had only ever given the little darling pizza and pasta. This child was then restricted from going to restaurants etc with friends and people stopped inviting him because the mother would always tag along with a supply of his food in her bag. He is now at secondary school and really struggling socially. Why don't parents understand that it's their duty to prepare their kids for the outside world? People like your DP are being really selfish, in my opinion, and are not looking after the interests of the child at all.

[Tootingbec]

Hi Sammie - what you describe matches in many ways what I experience with my DSD who is of a similar age. I too was brought up to be pretty independant and by 11 I was helping cook the evening meal, had my own chores around the house, expected to bath/shower myself without parental help.

My DH has got A LOT better regarding the pandering of my DSD, partly because of my intervention and because he has realised that he is doing her no favours (he even manages to joke to me sometimes that he feels sorry for any future boyfriends as she will have this idolised view of men that they run around after your every whim!).

However, he still continues to cook her a separate meal if she doesn't want what we are having (Grrrr!), doesn't ask her to help around the house unless I prompt him (double Grrrrr!), packs her school bag and picks up and irons her school clothes for her when she has dumped them randomly around the house (GRRRRRRRRRR!!). I come across as such a bloody Victorian parent when I am in charge - all "pick this up" and "don't leave your school bags there - take them to your room!"

Things got easier in our house when DH and I had children together, as things started to feel more like a family mucking in together rather than DSD being this "special" child. Also on a practical basis, my DH doesn't have the time to be running around as much after DSD as he has 2 little ones to juggle too.

What I found helped with me was to talk to DH and explain that as it was my home too, I wanted to feel that some of my routines/rituals/rules were being adopted. You could do this in the context of wanting to share some of the "parenting" of your DSD with your DP and thus agree some consistent approaches. We still have spats about it but on the whole, I feel more in control. Some stuff I just let go (some of the more over indulgent fetching and carrying for example) in order to win the more important battles such as DSD helping around the house or tidying her room when asked.

[Tootingbec]

Oh, and hello TravisPickles - hope all going well with your new baby!

[travispickles]

Wow - some great advice, am taking it all in!
Btw (don't want to hijack thread so will keep it short) - had the most horrendous traumatic birth experience (52 hours between waters breaking and EMCS), including infections ()me and baby), syntocinon, not allowed epidural, dystocia, section with incomplete epidural coverage, ketamine (awful!), haemmorhage, more infections... In the end we were in hospital 8 days and I was so ill that any issues to do with DSS seemed irrelevant. Baby Saskia is gorgeous (pix on profile) although DSS is a tad jealous. Did any of you find this? Have noticed he is a bit crabby, the food thing is worse and although he attempts to be interested (mainly to get attention) I have spotted a couple of filthy looks...

[Sammie29]

Hi guys

thank you so much for your help and advice.
Travispickles, sounds like you had a horrendous time, but glad you doing better now.

Tootingbec 'However, he still continues to cook her a separate meal if she doesn't want what we are having (Grrrr!), doesn't ask her to help around the house unless I prompt him (double Grrrrr!), packs her school bag and picks up and irons her school clothes for her when she has dumped them randomly around the house (GRRRRRRRRRR!!). I come across as such a bloody Victorian parent when I am in charge - all "pick this up" and "don't leave your school bags there - take them to your room!" ' this is exactly what i am talking about.

At other peoples houses, she eats whats put in front of her, but here, she gets the choice.

Doesnt help that her mother tells her she doesnt have to do a thing i say.

[LittleMissStuffit]

My son has ASD (high Functioning). He is 10. He has from a very young age.....taken his clothes off and put them in his washing basket in his room. Made his bed (in a fashion - it's a bunk!). Tidies his room. Doesn't leave stuff he's been using all over the house, at the end of the day, he takes it up to his room, with him.

I have a 17 yr old step daughter who, leaves all manner of crap all over her bedroom floor....dirty tissues, undies, old shopping receipts, hair stuff (accessories) that get stuck in the Hoover. She doesn't make her bed; leaves cups and glasses up there for weeks on end. She has never made so much as a lunchtime snack for herself (we do it, DH and I) and wouldn't dream of loading her dishes into the diswasher.........everything gets left on the kitchen side for me.

I do it because I don't want to be the "wicked step-parent" and she barely tolerates me as it is.

But one day.....one day..... I might grow a back bone (and so might her dad) and just FLIP! Till then, I keep peace and I'm terribly proud of my son.

[Sammie29]

wow little miss. \i feel your pain. its sucks right??

You must be very proud of your little boy.

I am just waiting for the day that dsd has her own house. then i am going to threw my cost on the floor, shoes in the door way, door wide open, go straight into the lounge, put the tv onto a channel i want regardless of anyone else and what they might be watching. Then sit and demand crap to eat, then not eat my dinner. then 30 mins later ask for crisps.
grrrrrrrr

[allnewtaketwo]

lol sammie your last past really made me laugh . I look forward to exactly the same thing. Maybe I'll also follow DSS around and ask him every 5 mins what he's planned to entertain me next