blocking DSS' mum from texting/calling him?

[ladydeedy]

my DSS came to live with us last year after untenable situation at home with his mum. Since then (and I know she is struggling in coming to terms with the situation), she has behaved appallingly towards him. sent him many many text messages telling him what an ill-behaved and disrespectful child he is to have abandoned her, that she has hardly any money as a result as he has caused her income to drop, that he is not welcome at her house, that she doesnt consider him family any more, didnt want to see him at Christmas etc. etc... He has actually handled everything pretty well but it obviously is really upsetting for him. I am not sure at what point we step in. DH's approach is simply to ignore her - she used to send similar kind of messages to him - now she is directing it to her son.
She does then sometimes send him messages saying she loves him and wants to see him straightaway but this is confusing for him. He has seen her a number of times since leaving but when he does she ruins it by crying and shouting at him and berating him. DH and I are tempted to suggest to him that he blocks her number on his phone. Not to stop contact entirely but to stop this insidious bullying. If she wants to speak to him she can call our house. DSS ignores her messages apparnetly, where possible but it's still distressing for him.
I'd be grateful for any thoughts.

[activate]

buy him a brand new cool phone with a new number that can't be changed

leave it up to him as to whether he lets his mum know the new number

I assume he's an older child

[missmehalia]

She's v unstable. He is not responsible for her (might be worth telling him that, too). For her, this may be his father leaving all over again, hence her reaction. I think it would be a good idea for him to have a second phone that he normally uses, and to not give her the number. And tell her that her contact with him will be controlled and monitored because of the way she's trying to emotionally blackmail him. It's hard on her, she's obviously missing him, but she's not being a responsible parent.

She won't like it, but she should never have taken it this far. He can always open full communication with her again when things improve. Honestly, anyone would think he's her husband..

[prettyfly1]

Ask him what he wants to do - explain you will support him whatever his choice and that you feel he should be able to have a bit of distance from this behaviour which is abusive but you understand he doesnt want to upset his mum further.

[ladydeedy]

yes it's difficult. obviously he uses that mobile to contact all his friends too. She bought it for him and pays the rental.
Good point though to have a second one but I have no doubt she'd get the number by demanding it from his brother (who still lives with her), so I am not sure if that would work out for long.
He's 14 and sadly yes, she's behaving like a chucked girlfriend. Ironically she was the one that left DH (not the other way round) to go off with someone new and that didnt work out.
Her most recent text, I kid you not, "if my cancer comes back because of the stress you have caused me, and I die, then you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. I hope you are pleased with yourself". Honestly,, it's horrific.

[prettyfly1]

if she goes really far it can either be blocked or you can get an order to prevent her doing it.

[Snorbs]

I'd also ask him what he wants to do. And give him lots and lots of reassurance that what his mother is saying is unreasonable, unpleasant and untrue. But do stress that it's merely evidence of her problems - this isn't the first time that she's not got her own way and has then exploded with hate. It's nothing really to do with him personally.

[Smum99]

I tempted to say you might need some professional help to support your DSS, he is being put in an awful situation - quite overwhelming and very damaging.If he's dealing with it outwardly well chances are lots are going on within.
Could you get access to a counsellor for him? One who has experience of teenagers.

[Eglu]

I think getting her number blocked from his phone would be best.

[Snorbs]

I would only block the number if DSS is in full agreement. I'd also make sure there was at least some lines of communication still open (email? letters?), if only to forestall any later accusations of "Ladydeedy is stopping me from speaking to my son!!!"

[nenevomito]

I'd get him another phone to carry aroung with him, but keep his other one and leave it at home. That way his mum can still get in touch with him and him with her. He also doesn't have to feel pressured to hand out his new number then either.

You could possibly keep an eye on the original one to keep him away from some of the more awful ones.

[ladydeedy]

hi thanks all... Slimbo I understand that situation completely... Emotional bullying is exactly what his mum's doing and it's been so hard for him. I worry what kind of relationships he will be able to form with women in the future. he has had contact with a school counsellor since he broke down crying at school last year (before he came to live with us) and that has helped him, I'm sure. She's now trying to prevent him from seeing or speaking to his grandparents (her parents) because she has fallen out with them. Of course we are encouraging him to see them but she keeps telling him that he is "betraying her" by going against her wishes... Oh dear, i fear it will never end...!
thanks all for your support and suggestions.

[HattiFattner]

Id agree with babyheave- a new phone for him to enjoy chatting with his friends, and the existing phone at home and you screening the calls.

ask him to only speak to her on that phone.

If an abusive msg comes in, you can reassure him before he reads it, give him a little perspective, but be kind about his mum - pity is better than condemnation, because she is his mum after all and may be mentally ill.

[ladydeedy]

Thanks, yes we dont condemn her. She used to make me angry but now I just think she's a pathetic loser and I feel somewhat sorry for her more than anything.
She texts him to say terrible and untrue things about DH and I, and he tries to shield us from that for a couple of days and then ends up showing us when he gets upset by it - it's admirable of him that he is trying to protect us, and yet we are trying to protect him too from the same person...

[HattiFattner]

poor lad. have you considered getting a restraining order or similar on her - this is emotional abuse of the worst kind, and its going to destroy the poor child. I think I would want supervised contact at contact centre every other week, rather than free access to him on the phone.

He is still very young, and is in an impossible situation of mediating between you, and you should do whatever it takes to stop this without preventing contact. A contact centre now sounds like the only sensible option.

[mummyosaurus]

I think get him a new phone. Keep the old one yourself and monitor his mum's message as previously suggested. You and your DH need to step in and protect him.

Explain to him why, but insist because he needs this decision to be taken for him, to avoid him feeling any more guilt about the situation. I think he would feel more guilty if you left the decision about a new number to him.

BTW I think you sound like a pretty good step mum and the family are lucky to have you :)

[ladydeedy]

thanks mummyosaurus. and everyone. we dont want to inflame the situation so will do what we can to facilitate communication but trying to minimise the damage. for example, we show him any emails/texts she sends us and encourage him to do the same so she knows there is nothing hidden.

[HattiFattner]

Lady the situation is already inflamed - badly so. The child's psychological wellbeing is at stake. This is damaging both him AND the relationship between him and his mother, and cannot be allowed to continue. His dad (and you) have to take a stand to protect him. When mother is more stable and reasonable, normal contact can be resumed.

Seriously, I would seek legal advice and make it official through the courts, citing those toxic texts as evidence.

[doutzen]

Ask him what he'd like to do.
New phone with her number blocked, or just block her number from his current phone.
He might not want to do either, but he ought to know there's an option.