Finding Step-Parenting so hard!

[RhiRhi123]

Hi,

I'm new to mums net and without going on too much I'd just like to know how others find being a SM. My DH has a 10 year old DS from a previous relationship which was never really a long term thing she just wanted to trap him! (her words not mine) I'm now expecting my first DD in May and am feeling so miserable about the whole situation when I just want to be able to enjoy it.

At the moment we live in a 2 bedroom flat with one being our room and the 2nd bedroom my DSS. This means that I can't set up a nursery and all the baby stuff we have so far is all piled up in the lounge. I'm not trying to push him out it just makes sense for our DD to have the room rather than DSS who stays with us every other weekend for 2 nights. To make this worse his behaviour is appalling. It always has been it's not just because he knows he's having a brother or sister. He is so rude that I really have to bite my tounge. I stand and cook for 45 mins to be told 'i'm not eating that' and If I say he can't have something he's just says 'your not my mum you can't tell me what to do' it's my house too and me and my DH have been living together for 2 years and have been married for nearly a year.

My Dh does tell him off but punishments never get followed through as my DH says that the little time he doesn get to see him he doesn't want to be arguing and telling him off which I can understand but it's not going to do him any favours in the long run.

He has never known his parents to be together so he can't resent me for that reason.

The other issue is DSS mother she is so unreasonable and it really upsets me for my DH sake. She'll always phone if she wants more money or if their DS behaviour is bad but when it comes to parents evenings or nativity plays my DH never gets a phonecall or an invite she just goes along with her new partner. To make matters worse she tells my DH's mother and invites her to school plays etc. I can tell it upsets my DH but I don't know what I can do about it.

We normally have my DSS for a week or 2 weeks during the summer holidays but there is never any mention of half-terms DH ex just phones up DH Mother and arranges that DH mother will take time off work and have DSS During half terms all behind my DH's back his own mother doesn't even tell him! to make matters worse she spoils him rotton which is fine to an extent but if my DH says no he can't have any more sweets etc she says yes he can and gives them to him anyway she completely goes above my DH wishes and DSS just gives my DH a smug look and it all ends up in an almightly row. I just wish my MIL would back off and let my DH parent his DS the way he wants to.

He finds it hard enough being a WE Dad expecially as he's not allowed to school functions etc. I can tell it's affecting DSS as he has now been suspended from school 5 times since last year for fighting. He is a f
ustrated little boy that doesn't understand why his Dad doesn't turn up for school things. DH ex also tells their DS that he's a bad dad and that DS would be better off without him which is so upsetting and just ridiculous as my Dh pays maintenance every month which actually amounts to £75 more than the CSA reccomends and phones him every evening or every other evening and never fails to pick him up on time.

It all just feels like one big mess and everyone is just getting stressed and upset! Sorry for the long rant any advice would be grately appreciated! x

[Drizzela]

Damn it I don't have time to reply properly as at work but will be back later. Didn't want this to go answered, although I'm sure it won't!

I have all of these issues (except the new baby, I already had 1 DD when DP and I met) so i know how it feels. Bless you.

Can he ask the school to send him invites etc separately? They have to do this and it will mean not relying on the mother to pass messages to you... I know she should tell him things and its massivley frustrating that she doesnt recognise the importance of your husband in his son's life. But it's not really good enough to say he wasn't told or invited to plays and parents evenings etc.

He needs to take back the power big time.

[RhiRhi123]

Hi drizzela thanks for your reply my Dh has asked the school to correspond to him seperately which they have started to do re his DS's behaviour! my Dh has had to go into the school at short notice for several meetings all of which he has attended without fail.

I'll get my Dh to contact the school re parents evening and nativity's etc to see if they can send out a letter or make a phonecall when there is something coming up being his father surely he should be entitled to a ticket or 2! not being a parent myself yet i'm not sure if it's normal practice that parents get a letter re things like this or if you find out about things things via school runs. (Obviously not parents evenings! or i'm sure the kids would forget to mention them! lol)

[ScarlettWalking]

I really think you need to insist that your new baby has a room, he can always share when he comes to stay but the situation as it stands isn't fair on you at all. I feel for you, it will be worse when the baby arrives from experience. Good luck and be strong.

[Marne]

Hi, i remember when i was pg with dd1, i found the whole step parent thing very stressful (i have 3 step children), one of them (the eldest) was still very angry about his mum and dad splitting and got very upset when he found out dh and i were having a baby. We were living in a 2 bed house, we kept a bed in the spair room as well as setting up the cot (so it could be used as a nursery or spare room), dd1 spent the first 6 months in with us anyway so we didn't need a nursery.

I just wanted to say that things do get better, the first 6 months after having dd1 were very hard, every time dss was naughty it was put down to us having a baby, the ex was on the phone every day moaning but the step children seemed fine and loved coming over to see dd1 (the main problem was with the ex wife). I'm now friends with the ex wife, the step children are now 18, 15 and 11 and all has calmed down.

[Maelstrom]

I have been on both sides, having a partner with a child, and sending my child to his dad's partner house.

I think the important thing to realise here is that, both the baby and your DH's son are equals. I think is fair for the child who stays in the house for longer to have the bigger room, but as you only have two bedrooms you need to start looking for something bigger or compromise for a while, like having the cot in your room until you are in a position to move to a bigger place. You can't resent a child for taking the space of what could be a nice nursery, because at the end of the day... it is his room and it has been since before you fell pregnant.

DP has a child that has been tantruming, misbehaving and being a spoilt brat for the best part of two years. Like your DH, DP thinks that he spends such a little time with him that he doesn't want to spend all the time telling him off. I have got to the point of ending the relationship because I couldn't bear to have us all walking over eggshells of the time not to upset the little prince.

DS in the other hand, was heavily reprimanded for any little infraction he could do at his dad's house. I am not lazy in discipline, and from what I see, his dad and partner are not either. But the rules in both houses are different and DS sometimes found it difficult to remember the rules from overr there straightaway as he was not spending much time over there. As a result DS started resenting being at his dad's, he got to the point of seriously believed that his dad hated him and he has now totally rejected the new partner as he can only identify her as the cause of all his problems. Needless to say that his behaviour over there was dreadful, we have never seen him behaving like that when he is with us, but he said felt heavily frustrated that he couldn't do anything well enough to please his dad and to avoid annoying his stepmother.

So what I am trying to say here is that you need to allow some lee way for the child to do mistakes, you need to be consistent with discipline but also need to understand that it will take a time to improve your DSS behaviour, being too strict about something every couple of weeks will serve no purpose, better to use some soft correction repeatedly to avoid make things more confrontational. It won't happen over night. But above all, you need to show your step son (and his dad) that you love/respect him as a person and that you are NOT against him, I know it will be difficult at first but eventually you will start seeing some progress and to recognise the qualities of the child that you are finding difficult to see right now.

It has take a long time to get DP to ignore the tantrums of his child, but now he does, the behaviour is better and we all are having a good time.

EXH and partner insisted in keeping a hard stance on DS, they have now decided not to have contact with him anymore. Which is an absolute catastrophe, but I think that the person who is suffering more about it is ExH. DS seems more settled and happier since the contact stopped :( So, be kind, and respect their father/child bonding as imperfect as it could be.

[PeppermintJunkie]

I hate to put this bluntly, but your DH has to man-up to the situation. First and foremost he needs to tell his mother to butt out, it's his son and he's fast losing respect for his father by being undermined not only by the bio-mum but the grandmother too! Secondly, he should take it upon himself now to make an appointment with the school and indicate the communication problems he experiences with his ex partner, and indicate if he has to, the fact that the school are obligated to involve him in ALL aspects of his childs education including that of being informed of all parents evenings (by mail or email), school concerts or appointments for his behaviour.

The one thing your DH cannot do is try to change the ways of his ex partner as far as her behaviour towards him or your DSS is concerned. These types of bio-mums are two-a-penny and have nothing better to do with their time other than to try and alienate the ex partner, poison their children with lies and teach them a lack of respect and manners to their elders. What you BOTH can do, is ignore her behaviour as much as possible (not easy I know!). The best way to deal with your DSS is to try as best you can to ignore his bad behaviour and reward his good behaviour (although I know sometimes there's little of it!!). At meal-times, involve him but as with anything else, only ever give a child two choices, and if he doesn't like it, he goes without.

You should be relaxed and enjoying the last few months of your pregnancy without the hellish stress that DSS and the ex is causing you and for that I completely empathise with you. Perhaps it might be a good idea now to sit DH down for a little chat about how things are going to move forward in the best interests of you all in the long term. Make it clear that you won't put up with bad behaviour and disrespect from your DSS especially as you'll have a little one to care for soon, and you expect him to stand by you. He needs to discipline his son the same way he would if he were living there full-time, although I know it must be hard for your DH given that he has limited time with him, in the long run it will only benefit the child.

Good luck with everything xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Maelstrom]

I think you will get along much better if your husband managed to develop even a business like relationship with the mum. I know it seems impossible but IME having less communication about the child makes things worse for everyone involved.

She won't butt off, she is the mum.

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks to you all for replying! We are currently looking for a 3 bed house to solve the bedroom problem as space really is a big issue for me I just want my DD to be able to have her own room and DSS has his own room at his mums my DH mothers and ours I don't want it to turn into our baby being the one almost 2nd best for fear of upsetting DSS.

The thing with discipline is that apparently his mother is VERY strict with certain things but when it comes to others she isn't like for example if he didn't eat his dinner he'd go to bed with none or if he misbehaves he gets toys taken away and he has lots of chores to do. I agree with this to some extent but she takes it away on the other hand and lets him watch things like Big brother and benidorm at 10 years old so it's no wonder he thinks it's fine to talk the way he does as he is simply copying. We don't let him watch these programs when he's with us and he we get is moaning about how he's aloud to do this that and the other at home which DH makes clear that it doesn't mean he can do it at ours.

However due to all of this he thinks he's on holiday when he comes to ours. He used to help out with some things and ask to help me prepare dinner which was great and gave us a chance to bond but now he won't even clear his plate from the table ( i don't expect him to wash it up!)

My DH and I work very long hours leaving home at 6:30am and not getting home till 6:30pm so after doing that monday to friday i'd like to be thanked for dinner or at least not have a tantrum about dinner/bed/bath whatever it may be.

It makes me re-treat into myself and my DH says there's always a difference in me on the weekends we have him this is because I really don't agree with some things he gets away with in our home but it doesn't seem to matter.

My DH often feels like he's caught between a rock and a hard place with regards to the Ex as if he doesn't agree with something she likes to start WW3 blaming my DH for DSS behaviour.

As for the MIL I'd like to tell her to but out but as DSS isn't my child I feel like it's not really an option. Without going too much into another story just before xmas the 3 of us me DH and DSS stayed at her's for the night and DSS woke up in the night wheezing saying he couldn't breathe. WITHOUT our knowledge she took him to the hospital and got him an inhalour she didn't even wake us up! I really had to bite my tounge over that It was outrageous this turned into a huge row between DH and MIL the next morning when we found out unsurprisingly. However she didn't see what she had done wrong!

The more I read what I write i'm not really surprised at DSS behaviour he doesn't know whether he's coming or going what with all the 'parental' figures he has what with my DH me the MIL his mum and her DP which is why I try to stay out of discipling but I can't for much longer as it's just making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I'm trying to fix this now so that when it comes to the point of discipling our DD she isn't saying to me why is my brother allowed when i'm not and me not being able to give and answer!

xx

[Maelstrom]

RhiRhi, the difference in standards is a huge problem, that unfortunately can only be solved by communicating regularly with the other side. And the sooner is done the better, because different rules can create a lot of havoc once he reaches teenage.

Unfortunately, you are not going to agree on everything, so it would be about finding a "make do" rather than a "perfect" solution. The main difficulty is keeping the things reasonably "business like" rather than confrontational.

Your DH may ask the ex to attend mediation together in order to ease the problem out. But it can only work if both parts are prepared to give and take.

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks Maelstrom I understand this and believe me my DH does try. When dropping off or collecting DSS if Ex is there (quite often she leaves her DP at home when my DH does the hand over with Dss which can't be nice for DH) my DH will often say I don't agree with him watching that program etc but it's hard because if Dh says that DSS has misbehaved over the weekend she will then punish DSS further at home which my DH doesn't want which is also unfair as maybe not entirely but the situation has been dealt with at the time so quite often he'll say that DSS has behaved when he hasn't. This then obviously to DSS is a green light for his behaviour!

DH tries to keep it as 'friendly' as possible. If Ex phones DH always say 'hello how are you' 9 times out of ten she just starts shouting down the phone. DSS's mother actually bought him a phone for his birthday which has made it easier for DH to talk to DSS as she used to make DSS put the phone on speaker and she'd be shouting in the background it meant that Dh would get one word answers from DSS as he was being monitored.

I don't think mediation would work there have been many battles in and out of court regarding joint PR there is now the EOW in place however on several occasions right at the last minute EX will say that DSS can't come and stay as he's been 'naughty' which personally i think is appalling as denying DSS time with his dad just makes him behave worse!

I don't mean to sound so negative towards Ex as I don't really know her it's just the way the situation is.:S

[Maelstrom]

Hey, I know where you are. OK? :-)

My ex is an aggressive nutter so mediation didn't work for us either. I still think though, that things wouldn't have got to this point if the communication between us had not ceased at some point.

Now that we have a starting point, what can we do to sort the problem?

• Turn the things around and start afresh with DSS?
  
• Sit with your DH and decide on 3 single rules to start with? you can add on more once the first 3 are working well.
  
• Start making your bedroom a welcome place for your new baby?
  
• Doing more inclusive stuff with DS so he becomes part of the team? I know this sounds difficult, but all done in baby steps may help.
  
• Start a routine of sending DH out with DSS for a couple of hours so they have their 1-2-1 time (and you get some rest/time to meet with friends/etc)

[PeppermintJunkie]

Just for the record as I didn't explain myself clearly..I meant that the mother-in-law should be told to butt out by the father? The child is in enough turmoil as you've explained above without her adding to the equation and perhaps this might be a starting point also, but doing it in such a way whereby you're asking for her 'support' rather than making her feel as though you are slating her skills as a grandmother?

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks I think i'll try that it's easy to rant on here about how I really feel. I do tell my DH how I feel it just ends up being in a roundabout way so that I try not to upset him.

I am going to suggest that we have set rules and discuss appropriate action for when they aren't followed. I'm going to make sure that this is done all before the weekend so that we can put them into practise and also because it saves me looking like a total twit trying to follow it through whilst DH has a blank look on his face!

They do have their 1-2-1 time together alot over the weekend which makes me feel a bit excluded as I end up staying in clearing up all the mess thats been left. I think that should be a rule actually no going out till u've tidied after yourself (including DH) so that I can chill out or go out without being resentful of being left on my own and mumbling to myself about why should I be left clearing up (hmm)

I'll also start suggesting we do things together the 3 of us as I don't want it to end up being a divided family when DD arrives.

Thanks for the ideas! :)

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks peppermint I've tried to get DH to talk to his mother but she just gets in a huff about it and says well I like to spoil him then it ends up in the whole 'I'm DS's dad don't tell me how to parent him' etc

I think it happens a lot it expecially happens with men. Their mothers like to baby them. Then grandmothers like to baby the DGS I think it's something to do with boys likeing being looked after it just ends up being a nightmare when it's passed on to us DW! :)

[lateatwork]

hi!.. blimey that situation sounds scarily similar to mine.... the added dimension of the MIL really does my head in...

just out of interest, is your DP an only child? mine is. MIL clearly favours DBS over DD. Calls DBS, buys presents, ex visits MIL without telling DH etc etc etc MIL hasnt seen or made any attempt to contact DD (despite me sending photos etc etc) since DD was 2 weeks old. I have given up on the relationship now. It is hurtful... I would like my DD to have a relationship with both sets of parents but bloody difficult as we are trapped in one country because of DBS and my parents live in another. So, DBS gets his mother, father and relatives on both sides all pandering to his every need. My DD gets just long distance calls from my family. It makes me beyond angry. But heaven forbid we move to be near my family for my and DD sake. Nope. We have to do without so that DBS gets his monthly contact with his dad.

Oh and we were living in 2 bed flat before DD was born too. and nope DBS kept the bedroom and DD slept in with us. It was suggested we cordon off a corner of the living room for DD- I refused. MIL bought new desk, chair and furniture for DBS when i was pregnant (without telling DP) so that the room couldnt be shared anyway without getting rid of this.

oh and DBS was insanely jealous of DD. I was expecting some sibling rivalry but not what we got. DBS was 4.5 when DD was born... DD was hit, kicked, punched (all 'accidents')... could never leave the two together for fear of what would happen. when he was 5, DBS decided to hit croquet balls at her. He didnt like her crying so ex complained to DP that DBS wasnt getting the sleep he needed (remember he was in a different room....) all the sort of pressure you dont want when a first time mum.

good luck. i havent been very constructive (well just do what I didnt!!)

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks lateatwork yes DH is an only child and DSS is also an only child (his mother hasn't had or isn't likely to have anymore even though she has a new partner) EOW when we have DSS my DH's mother sends loads of stuff down with him eg new clothes toys sweets etc etc and me and my husband don't believe this should be the case every time. He is just being spoilt and has no respect for anything he has! it's all thrown on the floor! so consequently the 2nd bedroom currently his bedroom is bursting at the seams so I couldn't fit a cot in even if I wanted to!

I fear this will happen when DD is born as we live 50 miles away from MIL and DSS lives around the corner from her. We have lived where we live for 2 years and MIL hasn't come to visit us once but she moans if we don't go up there often enough. If the EX phones MIL and says can you take DSS to/from school or overnight etc she does no question even if she has to have days off work and all of this arranged without knowledge of my DH. I don't think this will be the same for our DD I know it will be different due to the distance but I fear she won't even 'bother' to come to see her. She's already told DSS that he'll always be his Daddy's favourite. This really wound me up thats just setting things up for a crash. Surely say he'll love you the same you are both his children!(angry)

[catsmother]

Your MIL sounds like she needs a good slap. Maybe your DH needs to sit her down - again - and read her the riot act about undermining him, and, warning her off favouring SS once DD is born - based on what she's said to him about him "always being daddy's favourite". That's outrageous, and you're right, much more of that and she could be lighting the fuse under all sorts of problems.

When I read about stuff like this - interference, favouritism .... it strikes me that the perpetrator is using it as a way of expressing their disapproval of a marriage breakdown and/or a new partner. MIL cutting out the "middle man" - i.e. DH - in so much of what she does ... e.g. hospital (also outrageous) and arranging to see SS without seeing fit to mention that to his dad, is typical ... she's basically saying (for whatever warped reason) that she can't be bothered with him, he's not important, she's only interested in the grandson. What a completely selfish woman - doesn't care what damage she causes so long as she gets what she wants.

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks for replying, my DH just seems to take to burying his head in the sand now with regards to his mother it always ends in a row so he tries to ignore what she's doing I think it's his way of coping with it as whatever he says she ignores anyway. I just know that when DD arrives I won't be able to keep my mouth shut if it carries on - which may not be a bad thing if I can say it in the right way! I think at the moment it's just going to be a waiting game to see how everything works out once DD arrives.