Any Advice for maintaining good relationships now baby due?

[Lulabel27]

I've learned a lot from lurking on here and found this board extremely informative and helpful and first of all want to say thank you - it's made me feel often that I'm not the only one!

Now I just wondered if I could get some advice from the more experienced. I've been with my DH for 4.5yrs, married for one. He has 2 children - 12yo DSD and 9yo DSS.

I get on really well with them both despite the usual issues with the exW that everyone seems to have re: money, manipulation etc (not worth going into here). We have them every other weekend, yes they have their moments but on the whole everything is good.

I'm due to give birth to my first child in the next few weeks. They're both excited and have had a big part in things like choosing the pram, helping with names, they even came to visit the nurseries with us on open days and gave scores out of 10 (i'm going straight back to work unfortunately).

What I want to know is whilst this all seems great, I'm scared that it may not continue. Especially with DSD who will be entering her teens, may not appreciate being woken in the night etc. I'm also worried their mum will turn them against the child saying their Dad loves baby more. There's no foundation for this but I just know what she's like, she'll say anything to get her way even if it means emotionally hurting them.

I went to my parents this weekend to give DH time with DSS and DSD to explain they're not being replaced and they'll always be just as important to him as baby and apparently they were fine with it and just wanted to know when baby would arrive.

But I still can't help fearing the worst. What have your experiences been of this situation? How do you keep things smooth? What advice can you give me please? I just want to be prepared for the worst!

[harassedinherpants]

I'm a little late to this but just wanted to agree with mj.

I too have huge gaps: ds1 is 21, ds2 is 19, dsd is 12, dd is 4.5 and I'm newly prg too!

Exactly as mj says, dd has been the glue that really gelled our family. Dd is a little madam and is spoilt and indulged by all of them!

Dsd doesn't have any other siblings, and it's just her and her mum at home, so I think she really enjoys being at ours and all hustle and bustle of having the family around.

[Grandhighpoohba]

Another with big age gaps DSS1 20, DSS2 16, DS 2, DD 5mo. It helps that the DSS's live with us full time and have little contact with their mother, but agree, they spoil the little ones, and it has bonded us as a family. I think the key thing about the age gaps is that their needs don't overlap - the older boys don't feel jealous when things are bought for the younger ones as they don't want the same things IYSWIM. It sounds like you are doing the right things - involving them, and making sure they still get one on one time with their dad. I would also suggest, if possible, making sure that your parents don't exclude your step children when they visit, and make a fuss of their birthdays etc so that it doesn't feel like an extended family that they are not a part of. Also, make sure that you get some one on one time with them too - they need to know that they are important to you and that the new baby will not supplant them.

[theredhen]

I think you're in danger of "going on" about it too much. It sounds like they haven't even considered feeling jealous or put out from your comments.

Don't make too much of a big deal about it. Treat them as if they are part of it but don't use it as an excuse to let them get away with murder.

Just try and think how you would handle it if they were living with you all the time - generally they would just have to get on with it.