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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Child support

17 replies

SingleStep · 18/12/2010 20:13

I wondered if people might discuss what their partners pay their ex's. I know its a bit vulgar but I'm struggling with my own feelings about it - and though I've not been a member very long this has been a supportive place for me to get a hold of my feelings.

My partner is a good dad to his 2 kids. And for the 2 yrs they've been separated has paid WELL over the odds (i.e. 3 times what the CSA would make him pay) - basically the full mortgage. Now that he wants to reduce it (having always said he would, once the mortgage reached a stage it could be changed) she's obviously kicking up a stink. She not only wants the entire house (not paying him anything) but wants part of his pension. She earns more than he does.

I love it that he wants to look after his children - and he should. I'd never suggest otherwise. But he's come up with a new figure now which is more than twice what the CSA would say and I guess I cant help thinking that its more to appease her than what the children actually need. Can they really need that much? Bearing in mind she works and earns a lot?

Am I just being the bitter new girlfriend? I do hope I'm not! I dont want DPs money. I have enough of my own.

Hope to hear from you wise women who are old hands at this!

Thanks

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rainbowinthesky · 18/12/2010 20:15

Not really anything to do with you is it? I'd keep well out of it.

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SingleStep · 18/12/2010 20:21

Yeah - I know you're right. But then, if he's with me now, and keeps running out of money so I have to service the car etc. Isnt it then something to do with me?

Oh I don't know. Maybe its not.

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Mummynumber2 · 18/12/2010 20:33

Hi singlestep. If you're living with him and have your finances tied together then of course it's something to do with you.

I think it really depends on how much you have them at your house, how much he pay for them while he's with you, how much he earns etc. I think the CSA payments are really the bare minimum though. It's a really tricky one, believe me I really understand how difficult it is from both sides. We're in the stupid situation where we're paying maintinance for a child who now lives with us!

I would say also that your DP should try to get a proper agreement written up by a solicitior. Have your DP and his ex tried mediation? I know it doesn't work for everyone but if their relationship isn't too terrlible maybe it would be the best way to work things out amicably.

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Mummynumber2 · 18/12/2010 20:40

I'd also say it would be much better for you all if the CSA weren't involved. Their involvement in our situation has caused a huge amount of grief for DP and I, my DBC's and DP's ex. It's a long story!

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SingleStep · 18/12/2010 21:21

Yes he doesnt want them involved - but she might give him no choice if she keeps this up. Such a pain!

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mjinsparklystockings · 19/12/2010 09:16

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mjinsparklystockings · 19/12/2010 09:17

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2010 11:26

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ladydeedy · 19/12/2010 12:14

agree. and yes it is definitely to do with you! It's about what is fair. Also the mother needs to be mindful that SHE TOO must contribute towards the upkeep of the children. That is something that my DH's ex just simply didnt understand. She felt that as she was doing the majority of the caring, the dad had to pay for everything - literally everything, and that all her money was her own.
Of course she will be difficult as she's got used to a certain amount of money coming in every month, I think we would all baulk a bit at that, but she'll have to just get used to any new arrangements and cut her cloth accordingly.

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Libby10 · 20/12/2010 07:43

Obviously it affects you too. It sounds as if they did not sort out the finances when they separated. If that's the case they do need to sort it out properly and work out what your DP needs to pay for his kids and what he needs to pay to his ex. If possible it would be better if they could try and agree it between them but after 2 years it makes sense to have it sorted out properly.

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houseproject · 20/12/2010 21:18

Hi,

I'm assuming the children visit to your house so therefore you have costs i.e room, clothes, holidays, days out etc? So starting from the joint assets of the marriage - each parent needs to be able to provide a home for the children. Can your dp do this if he contributes the amount he is suggesting? If the answer is no then he must realise that is his first priority. He should not have to rely on you for housing. Secondly - what are the costs for the children - will his ex sit down with him and work these out - approx costs for clothes, childcare, activities, school dinners. If the amount he plans to contribute is similar to 50% of the costs then I would say it's fair. I would suggest if he's paying more than the CSA amount he makes 2 payments - 1 - standard CSA amount, if not going through the CSA he needs to ensure that he has records of the payments made. 2 an additional payment which he may refer to as additional - or he puts it towards a saving fund for the children.

If both parties have a pension with similar values then its usual for each party to keep their own pension.

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Petal02 · 21/12/2010 17:37

We hear about lots of men who pay so much to their ex-wives, that their 'new' families can barely make ends meet. I used to think that many men failed to support their 'first families' once they started new lives for themselves, but it seems to be the other way round. It seems to be a heady combination of the manipulative ex wife and feeling guilty about the break-up.

There's a very sobering tale on another forum, about a man who pays school fees for the children from his first marriage, whilst his new wife is practically destitute and can't afford christmas presents for the children she's had with this man.

Weird.

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Petal02 · 21/12/2010 17:40

PS - my husband pays the CSA minimum for his son, but we buy him lots of extra stuff and pay for school trips. But the ex wife really gets hacked off if we go abroad, buy new cars etc etc. She thinks that any disposable income we have, should come her way. Thankfully DH doesn't agree.

Although she clearly doesn't spend the maintenance money on her son - she's just bought a pedigree dog, whilst leaving her son short of school shirts.

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mjinsparklystockings · 22/12/2010 07:17

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LtEveDallas · 22/12/2010 07:54

We have this to a point with DHs ex. He pays what the CSA says for DSD and I top it up. He isn't working so officially any extra comes from me, I do it happily most of the time, but on odd occaisions get really pissed off with the sense of entitlement from ex.

She's working, has a buttons mortgage and has more disposable income than us but still sends snide messages about 'fairness' and being skint. Pisses me right off.

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Abip · 22/12/2010 09:06

Well the CSA is not my favourite people. They calculated what exh should give. His new girlfriend spat feathers so they dropped his hours so he paid half of what he was supposed to. This man left me in 25k of debt which I had to go bankrupt for. He only pays measley amount each week which has now been dropped as his business is not doing well (flashy wedding as they chose to get married) And now apparently his new wife has gone back to work and he is a house husband so has to pay nothing. Meanwhile we have to pay my dp ex maintenance for the son she took to live with her (older son lives with us and is a lazy sod not working sat in bed) And we have come to the conclusion that I cannot afford to work and live with dp!!! I have suggested that me and 2 kids go back to social housing but either way we need to move as dp cant afford it by himself. So we are going to downsize and the 18 year old and six year old will have to share. And my 8 yearold daughter and the 16year old boy who comes on the weekends will have to share. My point to all this is my ex and his wife think 'oh yeah her new dp has money they dont need it' (so chose for her to work as they still get maintenance for hers and if he does not work and wont have to pay for his) And dps ex thinks 'oh yeah he has the money and can pay me each month' (even though she swore she would not go to csa as we have the other child) WE ARE SCREWED!!!! if we split dp will have to pay ex even more as the first 20% counts towards my children. And if we remain together we will be skint as the outgoings are higher than the income !!! Its so unfair but the exs never see the bigger picture only that they are entitled to vast quantites of money for nothing.

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SingleStep · 22/12/2010 23:40

Thank you everyone for writing. Its awful to hear some stories though - I hope you manage to find some way to sort things out.

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about it now - she's dropped her claim on his pension now - but got other unreasonable expectations.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to you all on this forum. The first time I posted a while back I was really cross and didnt know where to turn. Someone wrote this was the perfect place to rant and get it all off my chest without burdening DP - and it really is. I get to spit here - sometimes more than I really need to - and (mostly) not judged for it. Then i can be more rational and supportive at home!

So thank you