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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

I will NOT be made to feel guilty ! please read my rant

18 replies

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 20:33

GRRRRRRRR

dh ex is constantly complaining about money and 'life being so hard' she sems to want to know every detail about us and its really getting to me.Am I not allowed to live my life free of her supervision and criticism. when we bought this house first time ss( came round (aged 8 at the time ) he asked "how much did this house cost" at christmas after he opened and ENORMOUS pile of very expensive transformers and computer games etc my dd opened a playmobil pirate ship shich incidentally cost exactly HALF what his main present cost and he said " Hmm how much did that cost then"
My brother inlaw who works with computers downloaded a load of games onto my dd DS and last night dh ex text him at 11.30pm asking 'why has your daughter got a games card and not your son' Blah blah blah saying he is left out and second best, This kid has SO MUCH more than our dd bless her its her who is left ou
She constantly on our backs and I am sick of it

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littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 20:42

sorry I know being a sinlge parent is hard work and IM not denying that but she keeps using him to get at us and we are not a cash machine, she left my dh when their child was a baby and has regretted it ever since but thats tough luck surely........we have been together for 8 years now and we both work and it still a struggle sometimes she has had thousands over the years and what we do with out money is surely our business

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MumInBeds · 09/10/2010 20:45

How does your dh deal with it?

MumInBeds · 09/10/2010 20:47

Sorry, that sent before I meant it to.

I meant how does he feel about her questions and how does he field them? It sounds like a very frustrating and intrusive situation.

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:01

he never stands up to her and avoids contact with her at all times unless totally necessary because she has caused him so much trouble. Its been years and she still is the same, she has a nice partner for a few years and it always falls through she has had a lot of chances and is just bitter and jealous I think.
Last night he text her back saying our dd's uncle gave it to her and he will see if he can get one for his son but I said we shouldnt have to explain or worry about buying our dd something just because were not geting his son the same or equal, it was off HER uncle

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purpleduck · 09/10/2010 21:22

If one gets something, the other should as well. Doing the games card thing is hardly hard work, and why NOT get for both?
I can't figure out who you are mad at in your post... the child? The mum..? both...?
Of course the child will see something like the game card and want it too - he is ONLY 8!!! However the mum def could have handled it better.

The son probably asks about money because that is how he is being raised.
And about the christmas thing...why is there such a huge difference in the amounts that the kids get when they are at your house? No matter who "gets more" if the step son is getting tons from other relatives, why open them in front of your dd and vice versa.

For the life of me I can't understand why your brother would not do a card for the step son - he has also known this child for (i presume) a good few years....

purpleduck · 09/10/2010 21:25

Sorry - just read that the step son was 8 when you bought your house - not 8 now :)

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:29

we live over 150 miles away and my brother in law has only seen my ss about 3 times in his 10 years of life! contact takes place down by him at my inlaws house not here with us. He did a games card for my neice and nephews (his children)and my daughter, his neice-thats all there is to it

At christmas my ss always has ton of presents because he was the first grandchild, he has spent alot of time with my inlaws as they live close to him and they spoil him rotten because (its a shame for him not having his dad) plus he has several relatives on his mums side that buy him lots so he always has the lates Xbox, PSP, DS whatever

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littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:32

Im angry at ss because he can't stand my dd having anything and has to either have the same or better or rubbish it, and Im angry at dh ex because she should frankly stop complaining about having no money etc and get a job! like we have to

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CarGirl · 09/10/2010 21:33

I disagree that children should all be treated exactly the same children should get what they need, sometimes one sibling gets a surprise gift another time a different want will. Sometimes one receives more expensive Christmas presents than the other. Provided there isn't favouritism why should each sibling always get something because the other one did?

I would tell your dss and your dd, "sometimes you get more/something and you don't and that can be upsetting BUT sometimes you will be the one that gets something/gets more"

Ignore the ex!

MumInBeds · 09/10/2010 21:38

I have two children and they don't get the stuff at the same time and I think it would give them an unhealthy 'entitled' attitude we did do that all the time. They get around the same each but at different times and in different ways.

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:39

my dd has been asking for a nintendo Wii for the last 2 years and we still cant afford one, he has gone through 3 DS's and has the latest Xbox 360 and a Sony playstation 3?? and she is being begrudged a bloody games chip which cost £20
its just the principle....leave us alone and get on with your life, its bad enough we have phonecalls every 6 months from CSA asking if we can afford to increase the maintenance while she drives round in a mercedes

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CarGirl · 09/10/2010 21:41

Actually MumInBeds has used the appropriate word your dss and the ex seem to have an "entitled to" attitude.

Perhaps point out to ss that dd doesn't receive gifts from his aunts and uncles on his Mum's side of the family!

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:46

EXACTLY........ and why would she?
its like 11.30pm on a friday night and were sitting relaxing watching Tv after BOTH being at work all day and she starts texting..... as my dh says(obviously bored and wanting to start an argument)

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CarGirl · 09/10/2010 21:47

I would change your mobile number and just turn it on as and when necessary!

littlemisslost · 09/10/2010 21:52

we have tried that and then she starts calling the inlaws worrying them and that just caused a whole load of stress for my dh, if something is wrong she always calls the inlaws first and worries them- at 65 and 70 years old! Its just a headache. She is almost 40 and on her own with an a 10 year old spolit brat, she has ruined and lost anything she has thats worthwhile including a £20,000 lump sum my dh gave her for maintenance when he sold his house years ago to help set her and his son up with a deposit on somehwere.....I hate being a step mum/second wife

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houseproject · 10/10/2010 14:23

We have the same issue - It is bitterness and its such a shame that it's passed onto the child. I'm a SM and bio mum and cannot understand why any mum would try to drive a wedge between a child and their other parent.Highlighting money differences between the child's 2 homes is destructive for the child and the ex knows it. Life is about choices, each family has to make choices on how to spend or save money, whether 1, both or none of the parents work.
She has made a choice on her lifestyle.
I think you need to ignore the BM's requests for information - perhaps remind her that you don't question her on how finances are managed in her household but then ignore everything else.Explain to your ss that life is about choices and just remind him that you love and treat both children the same. It's really common for kids to say - why can't I have xyz, bio parents don't give in and provide everything that a child asks for.
We have a similar situation so I know how draining it is. When children are adults they learn what games their parents played. Just continue doing what's right and your SS will eventually learn which parent he can trust.

littlemisslost · 12/10/2010 12:31

thankyou houseproject for such a nice post. I try my best to rise above it and normally do. It has resulted in the long term in me not seeing ss or inlaws really at all because contact takes place at their house and I just can't stand being there with that big cloud hanging over us. She calls and texts my dh all the time on contact weekends or puts silly notes in ss bag (knowing Im not around) and it just reinforces my decision to stay away and not let her get to me. If Im there we end up getting stressed or arguing and I dont want ss to see that he and his mother are having that affect on us

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ManiDeadi · 14/10/2010 15:56

Yep in the same boat here - very very similar situation - the only way that I can find to deal with it is to just delete the texts without even reading them.

If there was something urgent or highly important then I am sure a phone call would be made and not a text sent.

Text messages are the work of the devil IMO - a lot can be said behind the mask of a mobile phone that wouldn't necessarily be said face to face...

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