please help advice desperately needed re son stealing

[ThatVikRinA22]

this is going to have to be the quickest post ever as im due to go to work.

son has AS. dyspraxia and dyslexia

he is 20

he has no conscience. today i found out for the 3rd time that he has been taking money from my bank account.

large sums

im at wits end. is it now time to report him for theft? part of me thinks i should but im in the police and whatever he gets will possibly ruin his future prospects as no one is ever going to employ a thief.
he has never stolen from anyone but us.

taking into account the first 2 times, with this time it comes to over a thousand pounds.
i have incurred bank charges.
i cannot give my daughter her pocket money

and he doesnt give a shit. Ive no idea what he is spending the money on. I know in the past he has taken out payday loans, he told me today he has another one of those along with the money he has stolen, he says he took the money to pay his bills - he lives at home and only has a phone bill.

i dont know what to do anymore. im despairing.

part of me wants to report him for theft and turf him out.
all i have ever done is love him, fight his corner for him, and this is the thanks i get.

i have to go to work now, but please if anyone has any thoughts i need to know where to turn.

im going to talk to my sergeant tonight, social services are not interested as ive tried them before.

DH is secretive and very private - he will not tell me anything even though i have offered to help him with anything that he has a problem with - i know he gambles online, i know he talks to a girl in New York on the phone which could have racked up a large phone bill. (he in the past has lied to me - he told me he was visiting a friend in Kent but he actually went to meet a girl on Seattle USA for two weeks and i had no idea - i found out 3 months later)

please help. i cant cope.

[ThatVikRinA22]

he is at uni btw. doing computer science degree. meant to be going to uni full time to live in september but he wont do the student finance application.

[cornishsue]

Hi Vicar,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with your DS. I can totally understand as I have been going through the same situation with my DS for some time (he also has AS and dyspraxia). Like you he has never stolen from anyone else.

The only advice I can give is not to do what I did. I made excuses for him, after a good talking to believed it would not happen again. I thought he understood, I tried to be reasonable and he seemed to respond to that. I also made changes so that he could not get any of my money - but it only took a second of leaving my bag where he could get it, and he looked at my credit cards and memorised the numbers. I have lost count of how many times I have had to change my cards. I also made threats of Police etc but never actually carried them out. What I was really doing of course was allowing him to continue. I wish I had reported him for theft years ago, because even if there were consequences for his future, I think that would be preferrable to allowing it to become a long term problem.

I cannot trust my son. Sometimes I don't like him very much. In these difficult economic times he has made things much worse for me - I still don't really know what he has does with the money he has taken, many thousands of pounds over the years. It sounds awful writen like that, but as I say I always believed him when he promised not to do it again. Now he believes he can do anything he wants to, I have given him my silent permission I suppose. The very next time it happens, I will report him. He doesn't believe me yet, but I will. Neither of us or the other members of the family can live like this.

I wish you luck, I really believe taking action now is the right thing for both of you. Good luck.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thank you for answering Cornish and you have my sympathies. i have spent the whole of yesterday in tears. I told a couple of people at work last night, they suggested taking him into work and letting the rather ruthless custody sergeant give him a dressing down, but i dont even think that would work though i might ask my inspector if i can bring him in. i just dont know.

i really do not know what to do with him. He saw how upset i was and though he looked sorry i think it was sorry for getting caught. After all, if he had learned we wouldnt be here for a third time.

Dh tried to talk to him last night but he simply will not tell us where all his money is going.

DH basically said this morning that he is fed up of trying with him, and im afraid i feel the same.

at the moment, i feel like asking him to leave the house because i dont want to live with someone i cant trust. it not as if he is bearing his soul and telling us everything so we can work on it, because he isnt. all i get from him is that he doesnt want me in his "private" things, hell, if i even dare to go into his room these days he tells me to get out because he "wants his own space" which i had up until now laughingly told him to go and buy some then (ie - rent a room!)

i am so fed up and so fearful of whats going to happen to him, because he just cannot manage money, and when his runs out, it seems mine is fair game. This isnt a one off anymore, or a mistake, its a pattern of deceit, secrecy and theft which i dont think i can live with any more.

i need some sleep now as just off nights, but thank you for answering. i just wish i knew what to do.

[creamteas]

A close friend of mine has been through this. She bought a small safe like this for valuables and kept her purse in it. Not ideal, but it worked!

[ThatVikRinA22]

i dont just want to stick a plaster over it though, i need him to stop. I have found out that he is in debt up to his neck - he had 3 Wonga.com loans

i think the only way to go here now is to get him to appoint me with power of attorney until he can control his spending.

[cornishsue]

I too have, in the past, bought a safe. It was inconvenient and there was always the odd moment when I didn't put my purse away soon enough...and somehow my son always seized the opportunity. It was always difficult with 7 of us in the household, all with various wallets/purses/bank cards and cheques - not to mention all driving licenses/passports plus phones, IPODs etc which could be stolen and sold. It seemed like a good idea, but my other children seemed to resent it - 'we shouldn't have to do this in our own house' was a frequent cry and meant the problem had to be continually on everyone's mind. Co-ordinating the keys was difficult too, and it became so stressful that for everyone else's sake I actually gave up using the safe in the end.

Vicar - I agree that it is a sticking plaster, and did nothing to solve the problem. Something (whatever that is) needs to be done for HIS future.

I also agree about Power of Attorney - with my son's autism we were able to obtain that. If nothing else it means we are able to find out what is happening and talk to the various banks/loan companies. That way we can try and help the situation.

I hope your weekend was stress free and you got some sleep.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ive rung a legal debt advisory service, i have permission from him to talk to them on his behalf.

im waiting until he gets home then im going to phone them back with the full details, then they can pass be to a solicitor to speak to on the phone.

im hopeful that as well as sort out his loans, they may be able to advise with regard the him lacking capacity and his keeping taking loan after loan.

He doesnt/hasnt ever stolen anything else so leaving things around the house isnt a problem (or hasnt been up until now) and i refuse point blank to start locking things away - if he does this again he will need to be rehoused and he knows this.
He has to stop doing it, or leave. simple as that. but i think if i can get to the root of the issue then it would help.

thanks for the advice and its nice to know im not alone, though wouldnt wish this misery on anyone else....

[ThatVikRinA22]

btw - he has at least come clean with everything he owes. im thinking thats a start...

[ThatVikRinA22]

well, i phoned a debt advisory service and they are looking at what i can do to take control of his finances and also they will negotiate with his creditors to come to some arrangement for the payment of his debts.