Feeling utterly overwhelmed

[YeahBut]

Seems likely that dd1 has ADD and that dd2 has ADHD. Am struggling to get my head round it. Dh works really long hours and doesn't cope well with the children (we also have ds aged 2) so he's in the shower and out of the door as soon as he can in the mornings, usually by 7.30am.
I'm left trying to get evryone organised, dressed, fed and out of the door with all the relevant bits of kit. Come home to cope with and entertain an extremely full on toddler, get jobs done. Pick up the girls and try to get them to sit and concentrate long enough to do homework without a major meltdown and then get dinner organised. Try to get everyone in bed, although dd2 is usually awake and trashing her room until 10pm. Then it's more tidying and washing.
DH will then come home and his first comment will be about how messy the house is. I'm at the end of my tether and I'm exhausted. And I know that none of you can help but I just needed to get it out. Sorry.

[amber32002]

Oh goodness me, as if you need to be told the house is messy...

If he had to do what you do all day, the house would be every bit as messy.

What's more important here - the location of the items, or the happiness of his lovely wife and children?

I think you need a hug.

[BriocheDoree]

You poor thing! I thought I was struggling (DD, 4, has SLD, and I have a very demanding 1 year old) so I can't imagine having three to cope with. This is certainly the place to get it off your chest. Can you talk to DH and let him know how you feel? Sounds like you need a break for a day. (Perhaps you should leave him with the kids at the weekend and see how he copes ). Anyway, sending because you're not alone, even if we can't help!!

[YeahBut]

Thank you. It actually helped just getting it off my chest.

[Seuss]

Poor you - sounds like you really need a break, doesn't help that it's the end of term and everyone is tired and grumpy does it - I feel like we're just dragging ourselves through the week till the holidays. Don't know about you but I feel like I've done a full days work by 9.15! Can dh look after the children for a couple of hours at the weekend?

[Romy7]

i always always leave mine with dh for the weekend every once in a while - have done since they were tiny. it's the only way dh will ever truly understand.
my house is always a tip. i tidy on sundays ready for the next week's onslaught.
dh works away quite a lot here, so i do feel it is really important that he understands fully.
messy is now mostly a part of life, and therefore i'm not quite as psychotic as i used to be, so all happier.
i'd love to live in a serene temple of calm, but with these 3, it's easier to postpone it for a while...

[TinySocks]

My hat off to you YeahBut. You are really coping with a lot.
You know what? The problem is that woman are stronger than men, they couldn't possibly deal with it all. And somehow we manage.

My DH also complains about the mess (but I must admit I am messy!), however he does help give the kids a bath at night and read a story and those 30 to 45 minutes of rest do help me (also the 5 minutes here and there that I spent on mumsnet ). I dread to think how I will cope when I have to start helping DSs with homework.

[TinySocks]

sorry, mistake again!!! "women" not woman. Goodness why don't I learn to spell before posting.

[Seuss]

you're right TinySocks men just can't deal with the stuff we have to deal with. If I want dh to do something he will do it but he has to have detailed instructions for even the simplest task and by the time I've told him it isn't worth the hassle. And if something goes wrong it's my fault because the instructions were wrong.ggrrrrrrrrrr.(sorry - man-bash over!)

I hate homework now even more than when I was at school, the kids are always really tired and it's like getting blood out of a stone.

[jenk1]

yeahbut- i think you sound like an amazing mum!.

i have DS with AS and DD who we think is on the spectrum somewhere and i find it hard enough to cope let alone with having another toddler.

If DH said that to me when he walked through the door i think id be waiting for him with the frying pan (to hit him over the head that is!!!).

you have to prioritise with having children with SN and a being obsessive about having a tidy house is not a priority, you sound like you have a really good balance, is he finding it hard to accept the SN your children have? i only ask this because DH did for quite a while, refused to treat DS any different and it led to major rows, he is tons better now, what helped was leaving the children with him so i could have some "me" time with a friend, he soon stopped moaning!!!!!

do you get chance to have a break, away from the children and time for yourself, this is the only thing that keeps me sane!!!!!

[Buckets]

Cut down on the tidying - clean clothes and crockery is all you need. Let your DH do the proper cleaning at weekends if he's that bothered - first with the kids around, then without so he see the difference.
Spend more time making mess elsewhere eg toddler groups and when DS has worn himself out, come let off steam on Mumsnet as much as you can!
Now we have a DX (AS) for our DS I think my DH has finally realised he is still getting a good deal from 'the partnership' even if the house is too messy for visitors most of the time.
Plus, I know it's trite but, I've found a lot of comfort from the idea 'special children come to special people.' We are doing the best we can and nobody could love our kids as much as we do.

[Buckets]

Another bonus my DH has acknowledged he gets is that I am the one who has done all the research, the seeking help, the emotional journey, basically all the thought involved, in both DS's condition and my current pregnancy, all in the last year. He says he is quite happy for me to tell him how he should feel about both subjects!
Try throwing some compliments and acknowledgements his way to try and get some back, as a way to open a conmversation about what you love about each other / appreciate / admire without discussing the negatives. {grin]Of course most of us need a glass of wine before opening up so could you book a date with each other?

[YeahBut]

I kind of get time to myself but it usually involves the supermarket! Actually, I think I'm just going to have to organise some help because I can't keep doing all this on my own. Thank you all for listening and letting me vent. It meant a lot!
We're off to see a specialist on Thursday so hopefully we'll get some more advice.

[allytjd]

Seuss - re homework - the most dreaded phrase in our house is " I have a project to do for this Friday"!!!

[Seuss]

YeahBut - I go to the supermarket for a break sometimes?!?! It's amazing what qualifies for quality alone time once you have little darlings around...actually think we might be out of milk...

Hope you get some helpful advice on Thursday and I actually appreciated your ranting yesterday because I was having a bit of a rank day too and it helped me remember I'm not the only one going through this stuff!

Allytjd - OMG we haven't got to the 'project' phase yet - we managed to have a full scale argument over which way round the number 6 goes the other night, we really have no hope once we get into project territory.