DS (Aspergers) - how can I stop him hitting, kicking, pinching...

[TheodoresMummy]

...me and DH, but mostly me

He really hurts me , and I don't know how to stop him.

Getting cross with him just makes things worse, he explodes and hits/pinches more.

Calmly putting him on his bed doesn't seem to have any effect. He does apologise and sounds like he means it, but he does it again and again all day long.

Removal of toys or any other punishment/consequence also leads to an explosion and doesn't stop him doing it again later anyway.

I generally try to talk to him about things rather than punishing, etc, but this is starting to get me down big time.

Today he has pinched my face and arms (leaving bruises ), slapped me across the face, kicked me in the eye whilst laying on the sofa watching t.v. I am getting seriously fed up.

He is 4.6 and DOES know that hitting/pinching is not allowed.

He does not get smacked and I have never pinched him back (tempting tho it is). Do you think that he doesn't realise he hurts me ? I think he does, but he just doesn't care.

I can understand that he might lash out if he feels scared or angry, but it happens without warning and I can't work it out.

Any advice ?

[magso]

I do feel for you - my son ( now 8 and with LD and asd) used to be very 'aggressive' much of it aimed at me! He used to kick me in the face, pop my fingers out of joint rather than hold my hand, pinch and bite regularly! I do not think he intended to hurt - more that he hit/ kicked out instinctively rather than deliberatly.
Ds is now gentler and better in control of his impulses so there is light ahead! We used pre arranged consequenses for any aggression. These consequenses had to be immediate, mercyless, and have power ie affect the child! For our ds sending to coventry was very effective, with a timer started from calm behaviour. (I realise each child will need a tailored consequence that they dont like - but completely disengaging is the worst you can do to our ds!). If he hurt others in the park we went home immediatly. No negotiation! I will only help with his seat belt or shoes if his legs are still, and stop as soon as he moves. It can be very boring!!
Now he has better control over his impulses and tantrums, docking TV works - and also rewarding good behaviour - a good half day gets a sticker or 10p towards the toy he wants ( reward charts never worked for ds perhaps because of his LD - he cannot count yet) but do for others. I also found noticing not hurting me helped ie from noticing the pulled punch (thank you for not hitting me - well done for stopping that punch!)to the gentle cuddle. He still has his moments (!) I think a lot because he has poor movement control and cannot see it from anothers point of view.
I'm sure others have better ideas. Hope you are OK!
PS I used to theatrically fuss over my injuries (and get dh etc to comfort me whilst ignoring ds) rather than hide them to get him to understand!!Ds doesn't notice injuries to himself either.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I'm probably going to sound awful but I think if a cold shower works, or something of that nature then do it. Don't wait till he gets so big you can't control him. I used hairwash with my DS (he hates and fears it)and he's now 5 and not aggressive, plus getting close to so big that I can't pick him up for more than a minute. You are getting injured here, I would not muck around, but I know not everyone agrees. What does he hate if not water? You are doing him a favour in the long run as being aggressive when he's bigger could get him into real trouble/prison. I do feel for you - but when this used to happen with my DS I would think - you are smaller than me, you will NOT grow up with unchecked aggression, and like Magso I would give him immediate, consistent and unpleasant consequences every single time he showed any aggression. The trigger came when he bit his 70 year old grandpa so badly that there was mark left as if he had been attacked by an animal! My DS was non-verbal at the time, so I did not have the choice of reasoning with him - but I'm not entirely sure that works with small boys anyway. Good luck!

[TheodoresMummy]

Ignoring him completely might work in some situations.

If he hits me whilst we are playing, I get up and leave the game. But then he tends to blow up.

Distraction has worked with bad behaviour in the past, but I want him to learn that it's wrong rather than just distract him. I think it's a big attention thing in many cases.

He doesn't hurt other children, so can be taken out in public . But he will attack me out in public, so still tricky, iyswim.

I'm not sure what I could do that would bother him enough to make him think and stop his behaviour, tbh. Probably not giving him any attention would be best. He's a big lad tho, so not always easy to calmly and swiftly pick him up and put him somewhere. Can't just walk away from him as he will follow me and carry on hitting/pinching/kicking.

Whatever I try, I can see this getting worse before it gets better, seeing as I think it's about getting attention and reactions.

What do you reckon ?

[magso]

Deliberate hurting really cannot be ignored. If it harms you have to act. (This is pot calling kettle black!)
I suppose it depends on why ds hurts you as to how to best handle it? If it is to get a reaction - perhaps a reaction he hates may be in order? (Holding him at arms length , face away no eye contact if he is small enough).
I wonder if giving a warning would help? Ie pinchimg hurts me. Do not pinch. If you do it again x will happen(missing first half of favorite tv program works well here!). Exspect a few meltdowns before he gets the hang of the warning!
I still find being out in public the most difficult - partly because I try to be 'british' when ds needs robust handling of difficult behaviour! The other reason is wishing to avoid a meltdown in public!

[TheodoresMummy]

I wondered about getting rid of casein and/or gluten from his diet.

I have read that it seems to improve childrens' behaviour, attention, communication.

Any experiences ?

[magso]

I have no experience of exclusion diets but others do. (I do notice worse behaviour and attention if we forget ds eskimo oil so I'm sure diet can affect some things!) I hope others come along and comment soon.

[TheodoresMummy]

You are right magso.

Ignoring would prob work short term, but won't stop it rearing up again and won't teach him that it's unacceptable.

I do give him a warning, but it's like a red rag to a bull !!

He is aggresive if scared/nervous.

He is aggresive if he doesn't get his own way (usually, but has some better days).

He is aggresive when he doesn't get my attention.

He is aggresive when bored.

He is aggresive when we go somewhere familiar, but not usually somewhere he feels insecure. This seems to be to test my reactions, but could be linked to feeling a bit anxious.

I don't know what I can do to deter him.

God I am sooo crap.

Banning t.v. won't work. He doesn't have sweets or choc. He only plays with his cars at the moment, so taking them away seems harsh (and would leave me with an angry and BORED DS ).

[TinySocks]

Have you thought of getting in touch with a Behavioural Analyst to help you (A.B.A, verbal behaviour)?

I would really recommend this.

I worked with a ABA/VB supervisor on this about nine months ago, it worked wonders. Recently the negative behaviour started creeping up again. I was having a lot of trouble with DS's behaviour up until last week. I started reading a book called "The Power of Positive Parenting" (all based on ABA principles). That made me realise that I was (inadvertently) diverting away from A.B.A, I have started putting everything in practice again and DS is again going back on track, his behaviour in just one week has improved no end.

[TinySocks]

sorry about my typing "an ABA/VB"

[KarenThirl]

You might find this book useful:

www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/showbook.php?id=1931282706
(sorry, crap at links).

But you will need to remember that once your child has got into the anger/aggression stage there's not much you can do about it and you have to let it take its course. To work on this problem you have to spend a long time planning and developing your child's awareness of anger, aggression, and their effects on others. He must be taught how to recognise his moods so that he can learn how to avoid the rage stage by using calming strategies, and this will take some time.

Everything must be agreed in advance with him, with very clear consequences and TOTAL consistency. Make visuals of all your agreements so you can refer back to them if he tries to negotiate. Use photographs rather than words as they're more effective. You will need to accept that there are no quick fixes with dealing with anger and agression, you will be working on this for years and he'll need constant reminders and reinforcement. You're in this for the long haul!

Work with obsessive interests if you can - the anger management programme I did with my son focused on his obsession with Star Wars and a 5-point scale of anger, linked to SW characters, colour-coded to light-sabre colours. But in the end you'll have to find individual strategies that work specifically for your boy - what works for one won't necessarily work for all - but whatever you try do give it several months of intensive effort before you decide it's not working. It took my son three months of nightly work just to recognise what rage was, let alone begin to tackle it, but now a year and a half down the line he's a much calmer boy for the effort he's put in.

You might also want to consider any sensory stimuli that might be affecting him, such as dogs barking, a background electrical buzzing etc. All could play a part in setting him off.

Social stories worked for us too, highly personalised with photographs.

[amber32002]

Violence is not something you should have to tolerate. As has been wisely said, he'll grow bigger and stronger and you'll end up with a situation that is really dangerous for you and for others. He probably has no clue that it's hurting you. To him, it probablty looks like doing this makes you pull funny faces and make entertaining strange noises, which is no different to him making a toy doing the same thing. He perhaps can't realise that you're another person not a toy, and that it hurts. He needs help to learn this. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong - this is just part of autism in some children.

Is there someone in the local autism charity who can come out to see what's happening advise you? Many know of good specialists who can work with young children to get them to realise what they're doing is not acceptable?

[magso]

Don't blame yourself- it is not your parenting that has caused the hurting but the mindreading blindness of asd! Nt children understand instinctively that hitting not only hurts physically but is extremely upsetting emotionally. Our asd children have to be taught their affect on others, and for some the concepts are very alien.
Karen, tiny , MAM and amber all have very good advice.
Forgive me if I have misunderstood you but it sounds as your son is hurting you when he is uncertain or stressed - perhaps to reasure himself (mummy is here - she still pulls that face)rather than purely for a reaction in itself. I dont know if an alternative stress reducer could help!!
There is no quick fix but do protect yourself as far as possible in the meantime.(Shoes off in the house, hug his back legs apart-to reasure in public but avoid kicks, mittens in winter or toy in hand to make pinching difficult that sort of thing)HTH

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

TM - if he loves cars , what about buying him the best set of cars you can find, 50 of them. Then tell him that every single time he is aggressive he loses one car. Be consistent, every single bit of violence one car gets locked away. Then maybe he could win it back by being non-aggressive for one whole day? If he causes a fuss, ignore him or even lock him in his room. Perhaps that might harness his own interests to get him to stop behaving like this. I think giving it no attention is the best idea, but it's hard if you're actually getting hurt!

[KarenThirl]

You might need to start with a shorter time-scale for rewarding good behaviour. A day was certainly too long for my son to contain himself in the early days, and putting him under that much pressure to behave well certainly stressed him out so much that it made it more likely for him to lose control and lash out. Sometimes you have to engineer your successes. Start with something you know he can cope with, give him tons of praise even though it's something he manages routinely, and VERY gradually build out from that to extend the time period. IME it's better to start from a positive standpoint than aim too high and fail.

[magso]

Oh yes MAM, earning back (or part of)a consequence can be very powerful, particularly if it is linked to the original behaviour and immediate and specific! For instance if ds is awarded a delayed time out (for running off going to school), he can earn most of it back if he behaves as required for the rest of the journey. At first it had to be awarded back in little easy to achieve chunks (hold my hand till we get to conker tree and you get a minute back!)It gets concentration on the reprieve and the good behaviour and hopefully diverts the melt down. Eventually you need mostly rewards (stay next to mum and we'll stop at the conker tree).
Theodores Mum this might work for you too although the child must have learnt the consequence will be enforced if it isn't earnt back!
1 step at a time! Take care.

[TheodoresMummy]

Thanks for the advice ladies.

Sorry for not responding, have been at work for last 2 evenings.

I will have a read of your posts now and see what I can come up with that might help us.