i am not coping very well with ds1 atm and need some help

[belcantavinissima]

he is nearly 10, he has AS, is very high functioning at school, very bright and able etc and i am finding him v hard atm. every day seems to be the same with him, he is aggressive and rude to me and dh but esp his yoger brother, he makes things worse evrry single time by answering back, hitting out at me, telling me to shut up. i spend so much time saying to hime 'you are making it worse please be quiet now' or 'i am getting cross now please stop' etc etc. i am worn out. i can feel a huge rage inside of me when it happens and find it hard to control MY temper, and sometimes i am ashamed to say have lashed back at him not hard but you know. i feel so guilty i know its wrong, i kind of know he cant help it. but i find it so so hard to accept that he does the things he does because he dor=esnt understand- he is the most articulate child and very bright- how the hell can he not understand??? his consultant has referred him to CAMHS but its going to be a few months yet. i really dont like him very much atm and feel bad for saying it but i just need to say it you know? i was an evil horrible teenager, and atm he reminds me of me when i was 13/14. its not going to get better either is it? how can i start liking/loving him again? he always seems to be on the peripherary (sp??) of family life- ds2 has AS too and i always thought he was 'worse' but now i realsie that was just the effect of ds1 on him. he is lways on the outside and when and if he tries to get back in he always gets it wrong and makes it worse for himself again. . i dont explain it very well but not sure how else to put it.

bloody hell he has just come up to me now like nothing has even happened

and now i feel bad because i know that alot of you have far more stressful/difficult /serious things to deal with but its really getting me down and RL friends just say 'oh they all do that' to make me feel better which i know full well they dont and it just makes me cross then.

sorry for wittering on. thanks for reading this far. going to go and get some wine now and calm down.

[belcantavinissima]

bump

[TotalChaos]

I don't have any experience of kids your DS's age but didn't want you to feel ignored. I guess that a lot of the time he struggles to realise how you will react - even though he is bright intellectually because of the AS (?does he have sensory issues), he may not be able to anticipate consequences/responses to what he says and does as well as you would expect.

All I can really think of is to make sure you get enough time to yourself to relax.

[bonkerz]

im so sorry to hear you are finding it hard at the moment. Never underestimate the stress a child like oyur DS can have on your life. My DS has no formal diagnosis as yet but at 8 acts the way oyur DS does and i struggle with my DS now i cant imagine what will happen as he gets stronger and older.
Do you ever get a break? Sometimes i just lock myself in my room and cry just to relieve the pressure i feel.
Mumsnet is a brill place to vent and get support and NOONE here will dismiss how stressful/difficult your life is.

[belcantavinissima]

thank you both of you. thats kind of how i furst discovered mn- ds2's paed recommended it!!
dont get any formal time to myself as it were. plus ds1 has just gone back to school after 4 weeks of school hols and the other kids too so not had chance to sit back and chill.
i often lock myself in the vbathroom too bonkerz . i always feel really sad as well that all they are going to remember from ther childhood is me screeching and screaming at them all the time. i am no good at this.

[pagwatch]

don't underestimate the toll the holidays can take too. My Ds is quite severe end if the spectrum so in a way it is easier for me to understand that he is not trying to be difficult - but it is still hard to deal with for long stretches off time. My days have to be planned entirely around getting him through a routine and that is taxing.

He went back to school on Monday and on tuesday I had a very emotional day . It is justthe release of tension.

Don't be hard on yourself about how you are coping. we all struggle at times. I have found that just walking away is actually a good strategy sometimes. NEVER under-estimate the value of a well timed session locked in the bathroom

[belcantavinissima]

thats a really good site, thank you for the link . unfortunately there are no courses near me (unless i do a 170 mile round trip!).
feeling a bit calmer now.
and tomorrows another day.

i hate the school holidays and i feel bad that i dread them. ds gets all depressed for the first few days then it evens out then the cycle starts agian when he goes back to school again. its esp not helped by his school having longer hols than most schools (an extra 7 weeks a yr!) and the fact that they break up at lunchtime so it completely screws up his routine.

[KarenThirl]

belcantavinissima
I have an Aspie 9.5 years old, also v high functioning, also does well in school. We've done some very successful anger management work recently. Email me [email protected] if you want more info.

I'm snowed under with care arrangements for my elderly mum at the moment so time is tight, but can send you a few ideas.

[drowninginlaundry]

I feel for you, they make it so hard to love them sometimes don't they...

No advice (the only thing I thought of is behavioural therapy e.g. some lite ABA work but I don't know how appropriate that would be), but I second what TC said about looking after yourself!

[belcantavinissima]

karen, i have emailed you

i think it is as much me who has anger issues as him in that i know i dont respond the way i ought to. i just get so frustrated with him. i think in lots of ways if he was MORE autistic i would find him easier to mange in that it would be obvious all the time that he had difficulties and therefore i would be experiencign it all the time. i dont know what i am trying to say really. you know how other people say that theres nothing wrong with him and he's such a lovely boy etc etc it makes me feel forever that maybe there isnt anything wrong with him and that its me making it up to excuse my crap parenting.

[Yummymum1]

I have just read all the posts belcantavinissima and I could have written it!!! You sound so much like me and it is so sad.My ds1 is 7.5 and he sounds very similar to your ds,very bright ok at school but at times quite the most horrible child you could ever meet and you are right it is so hard to like them.When ds was diagnosed with as i had a meltdown after 6 years of struggling with this child who i didny like and had no relationship with.I ended up at the gp on antidepressants and sessions with the counsellor to come to terms with it all.I am not saying that you are depressed too but i cant tell you whar a different person i am now and the best news of all is that i actually really like ds now.It has turned my life around and yes the aspergers is still there and yes at times he is very hard tocope with but because i feel so much better it is easier to jolly him along and not get drewn into his battles.
I also have felt it might be easier if he was worse because then it would be more obvious to the outside world that he was different not just a rude badly brought up child.
I have a lady coming this am from CAMHS to see if there is anything she can do ,Let you know how we get on.
hinking of you and you are not a bad parent,if you were you woulndnt care how you were behaving

[KarenThirl]

belcantavinissima

Have emailed you back. Let me know if you get it as there are a few attachments.
Kx

[belcantavinissima]

karen- yes i did thank you!!! you sound a bit of an expert in the field i must say . not much time to look through it all right now as have to get dds lunch and take her to ballet but will have a good read tonight. thank you, you are very kind.

yummymum- so nice to hear youre not alone isnt it?! how did you get on with CAMHS this morning? i am still waiting for 1st appt.

thank you all you are all so lovely x

[Yummymum1]

Excellent news from camhs,she is just what we have been waiting for!!!!!
She knows all the people we need and as she is just coming to our area from another one where these things have all been up and running for some time she knows what should be happening and how to get it going.
We now have a Team around Child meeting set up where everyone who is involved with ds willcome and we can talk about areas of concern eg aggressive behavior,violence to younger brother etc and come up with strategies on handling it.We then have a follow up meeting in 8 weeks o see how it is going and take it from there.Fantastic!! At last i can see some hope for some proper help and support.I hope you find your meeting as helpful as mine.Good luck for the rest of your day

[belcantavinissima]

brilliant news yummy. so pleased it was worthwhile

[bullet123]

Is there anything else about school that might be building up in him during the school day, causing him to relaease it when he's at home? How is during breaktimes for example, or when the teacher gives several instructions at once, or says that something different has to be done?