What can i do to help my son who is finding school so difficult., please help.

[Chocol8]

For the second time since September the school (deputy and head) have given my 10yo son (AS/ADHD) a detention, even though it was agreed back then that "detentions are not the way forward with this child". My ds sees a detention similar to putting a gun to his head, a real black mark against his name, and he goes immediately into a meltdown (self harming, screaming, lashing out etc).

To hear my ds in this state when the school phoned me was heartbreaking. He was crying and pleading with me to collect him saying i was the only one who understood him, that he needs my help etc.

I spoke (yet again) to the Social Communication Difficulties Team, and they have agreed to go and observe him next term. The Head has now agreed (after speaking to the SCDT just prior to me) that they will do 'Reflection Time' rather than detention and also ask him open ended questions instead of closed. My concern is that they don't do this - he has been there for over 2 years and it appears that they still don't know him well. He has been, in his words "a popular target", at school, getting pushed, bullied, thumped, kicked etc, but the school only see it if/when he retaliates which is very rarely. The other children don't get detentions so my ds cannot understand why he gets punished and they don't, especially when they have started on him.

Besides this, he is attending a residential farm trip for 4 nights/5 days and desperately wants to go. I do, however have a problem with the overnight stays, more so as some of the boys who pick on him are going too. He has only ever been away for one night on rare occasions to his grandad's or auntie's houses. He has a specific bedtime routine and has to have music, lights, his melatonin etc. He also talks alot in his sleep. I am lucky enough to have a car and am able to drop him off and collect him, but have been told that he either goes residentially or not at all. Does anyone know what my rights as a parent are on this?

There will be no phone contact during the whole visit as this "upsets the children too much", and they want to go home. I know my ds will find this extremely difficult, as will i.

Sorry this is so long, if you can help in anyway, i would be very grateful.

[TotalChaos]

Sorry the school are being so unhelpful choccy. Unfortunately I've not got any real practical advice. Would have thought that about the school trip was contrary to DDA - as surely that's a reasonable adjustment for them to make, you taking him their for the day time session.

[Peachy]

Hi, your poor DS

Just to say that one of ds1's friends at Sn rugby had a similar dilemma with the school trip (he's blind / GGD / ASD) and Mum was allowed and chose to pick up and drop off each day. And it worked well, whereeas it wouldn't have been possible for him to experience any of the trip otherwise.

So what youa re suggesting isn't only wise, it's accepted in some SN units. I presume your ds is in MS (like mine atm) but that doesn't mean theyc an't learn from SN units.

[catok]

I've been asked by school to take and fetch my DS (mainstream ASD) each day of residential (luckily it's not too far away) because he would be unsafe if up and wandering around at night.
Ask school who his 24 hour 1-1 will be during the visit!! They have to show they will be providing reasonable duty of care.
Also think it is contrary to DDA - do you get DLA for long periods disturbed during the night?
Try printing this, and discuss it with the chair of governors who should have DDA high on agenda at the moment.
Good luck!

[bullet123]

Do the school explain why the other children don't get detentions? Inconsistency is going to be very hard, understandably, for your ds to deal with. Are there any sympathetic or at least neutral pupils who could be encouraged to keep an eye on your ds and help to prevent the bullying? Bullying occurs when there is a culture of acceptance about it. Ask to see the school's policy on the matter.
I think you should have a good case for your ds attending the trip during the day only.

[aefondkiss]

hello choco I have no experience of your ds situation, but I think, from reading what you have said, that the school is hoping to force you, into deciding not to send your son on the residential trip?

I cannot think of any other real reason for them not being flexible on allowing you to collect him...

it is very sad that your ds is being punished, whilst the bullies get away with provocative and bullying behaviour

[MUM23ASD]

hi choco...i'm the one that sent you the thomas socks years ago!!!

sad to hear that your son is in this situation.

my ds2 leaves the playground as soon as the whistle goes - whilst the others stop and line up...

he then goes to library to have 'chat' with a TA...to talk through playground issues.

plans are to do similar with ds3- it is thought Ds3 will go to his class - and chooses a 'helpful activity'...like tidying pencils etc- whilst everyone else lines up.

school were keen thay don't miss playtime nor lesson time...and ds3 is increasingly choosing to sit in the 'timeout' corner after play or PE...and teacher has found it hard to get him back to class activities- so i hope after half term they do this with him.

the residential is a hard one...ds2 has a 2 night trip in july... and i am very aprehensive- as even the melatonin is a problem in itself- as even if he is given it at the right time...he will get extremely angry when he is sleepy and the others are not....however...without melatonin he will tolerate the others being awke and chatting...but will not get to sleep till at least 1 or 2 am...which i'm sure will be the case of others...but his mood the next day will be awful.

[Chocol8]

Thanks very much for your comments. Funnily enough Catok, i have only this week resigned as parent governor as i feel that to support my son fully, it is better to do it as a parent rather than a governor. I feel like i can't (for want of a better phrase) put the boot in enough.

Funnily, I work with the Chair of Governors and she is a personal friend, who can't see any problems with me collecting him everyday, but i know the school themselves don't feel that way. I really don't want him missing out on this opportunity, he will love feeding the animals, doing orienteering and caving etc, so it's not fair to send him to school that week knowing the rest of his class are enjoying themselves.
He does receive DLA but not for night time care. My concern is that the year above him who are quite a nasty bunch think it would be funny to do something like put a pillow over his face whilst he's asleep, expecting to wake him up.... my mind has gone overboard because these kids really are unbelievable. I can't understand why they have been invited as they are collectively a lot of trouble.

At the end of the last 3 terms, my ds has been given a detention (for what in my honest opinion, is not serious - one was for asking his teacher a question) whereas if another child is causing ds problems, it is considered "high jinx as it's the end of term"....???

I'm fed up with their attitude and feel i as a governor - and my ds as a pupil - are not being fully supported.

Hi Mum23ASD - you know, my ds, even though he HATES Thomas, wore your socks this morning! I can get him to wear them if he's at the childminders or got long trousers on and no one will see them. I think of you everytime i see them in the laundry!

Agree with what you say about the Melatonin - the less sleep he has, the worse tempered he is in the morning!

Bullet, i have managed as a parent to amend the school behaviour policy, but this doesn't help when he is given an instant detention with no warning. That's what he finds so difficult and I feel that he is treated differently to his peers.

I am speaking to a lawyer tomorrow morning, just to ask the question, but i'm not sure it's something they will know off the top of their heads.

He is not statemented and only has limited 1-2-1 support for "social lessons". There are 3 teachers to 40 children.

[Chocol8]

D'oh, sorry, i mean there is 3 staff and 40 children going on the residential trip!!!!

[Saker]

I don't have any useful knowledge but wanted to add my support that I really think it perfectly reasonable for you to drop off and pick up each day from the trip. You would think the school would be grateful since it is likely to make life easier for them. It does sound like they are hoping you will say he can't go. I have no idea what the legal position is but it seems to me that it could be interpreted as discrimmination to me. I really feel for you - it's hard for any parent when their child stays away for the first time, but under these circumstances you would be worried sick and like you say imagining the worst even if everything turns out fine. I hope you can find some sort of solution.

[Candlewax]

My ds's school did not want my ds to go on the residential as they said they had carried out a risk assessment and he was considered a risk.

I volunteered to go with him. They could not refuse then. They had been offered a suitable "carer" for ds at night times (the only time they worried about apparently).

My dh was supportive and looked after my dd whilst I was away for the week with ds.

DS loved it by the way (even if he had to share my bedroom at nightime).

I, on the other hand, was bored out of my brain as the only time they needed me was night time.

[Chocol8]

Candlewax - i would go with him if invited, but it would mean losing a weeks worth of wages, which would be hard to do. He isn't statemented and certainly wouldn't be getting any 1-2-1 help whilst there.

Pipin, i have started keeping a written notes of when/who/where etc he is bullied. Not sure the doc would help, but is worth a try, thanks. I actually called the residential place today and besides the 3 school staff there is only one other employed person who sleeps next door to the dorms, so 4 adults to 40 kids...?

My argument is, if they can't keep him safe in a school setting with staff, how can they do it in an unstructured setting with less staff? I have arranged to go up to the place with my ds in a fortnight to take a look around although they weren't keen at all ("it is not normal, if we did this for every parent, then we'd be inundated"). I am sure the school will pull me on it, but i don't care.

Thanks Saker, it's just good to hear that i'm not being out of order in wanting what i feel is best for my ds. I think they forget that we know our children best, not them.