Why does it always end with a tantrum?

[monkeypie]

Just wanted a moan really, Why is it when i think of something good to do with DS we have a ball until it has to end, there is no reasoning with him so i end up feeling crap and exhausted and he is sobbing and screaming. Makes me feel like i shouldn't have bothered with it in the first place
We just had a great time cleaning the car, well when i say we i mean ME cleaning and DS turning and pressing every button/lever/switch he can find. He loves the car and exploring it, we have a driveway but no gates at the end to keep him away from road, so he never gets to play in the car unless it's when i'm cleaning it. TBH though it's other things aswell, i can't give him or do something as a treat as he wants it all the time,eg he has major obsession with phones, the other day my mum gave him her new one to play with but when she was leaving and wanted it back he went into an almighty tantrum. He has always done this and he did get a little better but he's as bad as ever again. Is this typical for anyone else? I can't explain it to him(i do try) because his speech is very limited and he doesn't understand long sentences.
Do i just persevere and ignore the tantrums or is it kinder to not let him in the car in the first place even though he loves it?
Ok i'm finished ranting now, feel a little better already. Normally it doesn't get to me but am more stressed than usual so i guess it just got me down a bit.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I think you might want to try a bit of tough love on the tantrums, as otherwise he is learning that he can get his own way with this behaviour. I know not everyone will agree with me, and even the ABA tutors I employ don't always agree, but I think it is important (and good for us mum's sanity!) to establish who's boss. We tried ignoring tantrums, and holding his hand so he doesn't hurt himself but making absolutely no eye contact. Once he quitens down completely (WHICH CAN TAKE HOURS AT FIRST!) you turn to him excitedly and say "let's go and do x now", where x is very exciting. We used this for a while, and still do, but tbh if he has one when I'm in town and he is having a meltdown I use the following (said in very angry voice, loudly, to shock him) "don't you dare even think of having a tantrum, do you want hair wash?!". The reason this works is because we have previously used hairwash as an aversive "punishment " for bad behaviour, so now the threat of it is enough. People look at me as if I'm mad, but it stops him in his tracks and re-establishes the idea that I am in charge, not him. I wanted to tackle this one really early, as my tutors say the behaviour will escalate if you don't nip it in the bud. Is there any part of this which might help with your DS - if not, sorry for long post but good luck with whatever ideas you use. It's hard work, I do feel for you. And no, you shouldn't stop the nice things, just work out how to control the reactions at the end. Some people have found five minute warnings work - but not easy when the child is not very verbal, like my DS. Good luck monkeypie!

[magso]

I remember that stage well - I'm sure my neighbours do too!! Leaving the park was so awful I almost stopped going. I did eventually get ds to understand the five minute warning. I used to get his attention and say (or show) what the next activity would be, hold up five fingers and say 'in 5 minutes'. When 2 minutes were left I held up 2 fingers (well finger and thumb it looks less rude) and repeated in 2 minutes we do x, in 1 minute down to one thumb (next activity/ tidyup boxes/ coat at the ready). Once it was time to go I held up a closed hand'time for x now. I had to set it up at home, when the next activity was something desirable like snack time!) but it soon transfered to the park (with consiquences for noncompliance)once he understood. Compliance needs to be delightfully noticed and rewarded.
I dont know if this will help you, but for me getting out and about and feeling in charge was vital.

[flyingmum]

Yup remember it well. He would howl the place down - especially the swimming pool.

We would give warnings all the time. In five minutes I am going to tell you we have two mins left. What happens after two mins? 'we go home mummy'
'what do we not do'
'Have a tantrum mummy'
Good.
Doing the hand signals is a really good idea particularly if they are not very verbal or gone on time.

You now have two mins then I am going to go what are you going to do?
What are you not going to do?

We did this all the time and it worked. I would prerehearse things with him before we went out. I still do this with my 'normal' 7 year old who can still have a paddy at home time. It is a real problem though when people give them stuff that you know they want back. Possibly the best thing to do is avoidance until you can get across when he is older that people want their things back and why. I did find that relations often over complicated things because they try to interact the same way they do with non SEN kids and it doesn't really work like that does it. Tantrums are a result of confusion and frustration. Sometimes I had one too - it made him shut up occasionally

It did get better.

[monkeypie]

Thank you so much you guys all of the advice is fab!
ancientmiddleagedmum i don't have a problem with the tough love at all and i have always made sure that DS knows i am boss it's just a little harder than normal when you can't tell him this is why you can't stay in the car or keep grandmas mobile. I'm not sure if it was intentional but your 'do you want hair wash' really made me giggle. I love mums who have no worries about shouting at children(for right reasons) in public and don't give a monkeys about what everyone thinks(i'm one of them too!) If the choice is DS thinking he can get away with paddy or me putting a stop to it with an audience then there is no competition. Unfortunately it doesn't always work but always worth a try.

Magso i can really relate to the neighbours thing. My neighbours must wonder what the hell is going on in my house some nights. DS can make a noise like he's being murdered when all that's wrong is it's bedtime. I absolutely love your advice on the fingers thing and will put that in use tomorrow, i'll let you know how we get on.

Flyingmum you are so right about family members not understanding that things need to be different with DS. It doesn't help that most of them don't believe for a second that DS has anything wrong.

I am so tired of telling people to move their mobiles out of the way when we are coming round but they never do and it's me who has deal with the tears. Your advice on the 'what is going to happen' and 'what do we not do', sounds very good but i'm not sure my DS would catch on to that, thankyou anyway and i promise i will give it a go as i am desperate to stop tantrums, especially as DS starts nusery in 8 weeks.