How can you tell between an child with unusual behaviour and a child with AS?

[Stresslet]

Hi,
I've have a 5 year old who has always seemed unusual but is in mainstream school. He is very 'high maintainance' - has big problems accepting transitions between activities ie. trying to get out of the house even to do something nice like go to the park, or stopping play for meals. He's been like this for as long as I can remember, so we have done our best to keep routines so he knows what happens next. He is ok at school (which I guess has routines of it's own) although if he has a supply teacher he comes out of school obviously upset and is hard to handle. (will do things like lie on the pavement and bang head on ground).
At weekends/after school I can feel trapped in the house because I can't persuade him that we need to go out and buy food etc. Until he started school I had a big mountain buggy so I could strap him in and push him but now he's big I'm at my wits end sometimes. He has big meltdown tantrums - screaming out of control, hurting me, hurting himself, almost always at bedtime at the moment, and at least one a day at weekends. I can't believe that this is normal for an almost 6 year old (although I have to say I don't know many other boys the same age)
Anyway, either I'm a shit mother (although dd seems normal enough and just has normal age appropriate tantrums) or he's a sad boy - because he certainly doesn't seem happy a lot of the time.
I sort of assumed that if he had AS or something, then it would become apparant at school, but school don't have any problems, other than him being incredibly quiet and non-contributive in class. So I guess that must mean it's me/dh and crap parenting skills?
Any tips?

[chocolateface]

Blimey this sounds like my son!
He went through infant school with out them thinking anything was out of the ordinary.
Last September he moved to Junior School, suprisingly easily (But then he hated his Y2 teacher and has a really lovely teacher this year)The head at his new school has now sugested AS (after he refused to go to school on non-unuform day), so maybe we might get somewhere eventually....
You are so not a bad mother. I thought it was me, bet I have 2 other younger children who are so different, and, well 'normal'.

[Stresslet]

Ds hate non-uniform day too! They have 1 every term at his school and it's tantrums and dragging to school for each of them. Last time he just started insisting that he was going to wear his uniform, really didn't care that the other children would think it odd...finally got him to wear one of his dressing-up costumes because he had worn it to a non-uniform day the term before...am now worried that non-uniform day will = peter pan costume no matter what the theme is - but he doesn't seem to get embarrassed by it so maybe I should chill.
Chocolateface - is your ds diagnosed AS now? I'm mainly wondering whether I should try and do something (and what?) and put my parenting on the line, being prepared to be told it's all me..just in case it isn't.

He also makes loud noises (like police sirens) when he is relaxing, without really notiicing that he is doing it..not sure if 5 yr olds normally do that anyway. (He's doing it now...I want to go out in the sun, but he doesn't )

[magso]

Stresslet, my son can't cope with transitions, and doesn't want to go out after school ( he's keen to get out in the holidays!). He also hated non uniform days and the only way I could manage was to dress him in uniform colours (grey cords/ red top). After a dressing up day at school its now always captain hook (still school colours!) He is slightly more relaxed about going out now ( he is 7). He is always exhausted and hungry after school (especially in rec and year 1) and usually fragile and illogical IYKWIM so I made a habit of meeting him with a snack/ drink and even using the car (when available)to keep the meltdown out of public view! This gave me a way to get him out! He could relax in the car (exstention of home) with his picnic while I drove to a nice location ( river to paddle in/ park,/ museum )and it got us away. He seemed to need a hug and a cry/ meltdown (in the safty of home) after the rigors of school. I felt trapped at times also so taking him off for a treat was my way of not being controlled. Other parents have told me their children struggle with transitions some are NT, one dyslexic, one dyspraxic, (my DS has a hard time at school) so I cannot help with your underlying worry.

[Stresslet]

Thanks Magso - yes I also meet my son with a snack and drink in hand! And for the first year I would drive the 3 streets to pick him up.
I just feel that I'm letting him down one way or another..he's either NT and I can't 'manage' him well enough to keep him happy, or he isn't and I haven't got him any help - if you see what I mean?

I've been trying to get him to eat lunch for 2 hours now, and I just can't do it without pushing him too far and having another meltdown - we've already had 2 this morning - 1 because I was meant to get a lie-in so dh got the kids up - ds then came straight up to our bedroom and messed around in there because he wanted me not Daddy..and the second one because he was hurting his sister by being too boisterous and not sharing..so he decided he wanted his own toy tent (which is what they were playing with) and had a meltdown when we said he had to share.
I've suggested to dh that maybe we need some sort of parenting class to give us some new ideas - there is far too much shouting in this house

[chocolateface]

My Ds isn't diagnosed. I've suspected AS sice he was 5, although I think it's very mild. Some people I know have just said "No way!" I didn't think I'd ever need to have him diagnosed, but now I think it might be usefull. I'm worried he won't be as he in lots of ways he's really straight forward, but then there is drama if he has to go on a school trip. I don't feel I can always pretend he's ill if there's a trip or a non-uniform day.

[Stresslet]

Thanks Chocolateface.

[chocolateface]

Stresslet, when you say DS has a 'melt down', wht do you mean? Does he get really angry and throw stuff? My DS does.

[Stresslet]

Sorry, posted a long reply yesterday and it seems to have gotten lost!

He generally has a few seconds of jiggling about from foot to foot then gets very angry, screams, shouts stuff which seems irrelavant eg. I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. (when the trigger has been nothing to do with boredom). Normally drops to the floor, sometimes crawls under furniture or climbs things, will hit head against floor, bite his own wrists. Has now started holding both my hands and dangling on them, then trying to twist round to bite me. Has also got into starting his tantrums with slapping at me repeatedly. I try to ignore most of it but that generally ends with him doing more and more dangerous things until I have to intervene to stop him hurting himself. I then try to restrain him (which is getting harder and harder) and talk to him about unrelated things (what did you play today, is that a slug on the window..general humour/distraction stuff). sometimes he just switches back into himself like a switch is flipped, sometimes we get long sobs until he's back.

If he was 3 years old I would think it was a normal tantrum....but he's 5, coming up to 6 and it's getting to be every meal time and every bed time plus a few each weekend if we want to leave the house.

[Dinosaur]

Stresslet, my own advice would be, don't wait for the school. If you are concerned, make an appointment with your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatrician who specialises in child development.

[Stresslet]

Thanks Dinosaur - I think I will bite the bullet and do so.
Just don't know many kids of same age - his school 'friends' seem much more 'together' than he is..but maybe that's because I don't see them when they are at home?
..but then dd is so different.

[Dinosaur]

I think you should "bite the bullet" and ask for a referral. You're clearly worried, and ime and that of my friends, these types of issues don't seem to go away on their own, sadly .

You will find lots of help and support on here .

[coppertop]

I agree with Dinosaur.

It's fairly common for children with AS to be fine at school and then just explode when they get home. It's something to do with the stress of conforming all day, not a sign of poor parenting skills.

[Stresslet]

OK - will do -

Coppertop - I've lurked and googled a lot over the last couple of years and I thought that showing the behaviour in more than one 'environment' was necessary to make it a personality thing, rather than an interacting with bad parent thing. Will be relieved to find out that that is wrong!

He is gorgeous by the way..but not happy most of the time

[coppertop]

Ds1 (6yrs) is almost a model pupil at school. He hates the thought of breaking school rules or class rules so doesn't misbehave at all. These days any meltdowns are usually at home. He sometimes gets angry when other children break the rules or crowd him too much but that's about it.

Ds1 also hates going out. I've recently discovered though that it's because he gets anxious about what will happen when we go. It's a fear of the unknown. Getting him out of the house once a week during the holidays is a major achievement. It helps if he is given a lot of explanations about where we are going and what we will do when he gets there. If we're visiting somewhere new it also helps if they have a website where he can look at pictures of the place.

[Kaz33]

I have a challenging 5 year old who I have always felt was not comfortable in his own skin. Last year in reception, he was very quiet and co-operative in class, very boisterous in the playground but I was at my wits end at home.

No one was going to say there is a problem - school, parents, his dad. It was my instinct.

He is I have decided on the milder end of the spectrum of learning difficulties. I have done a lot of things with him over the last year-
kiniesology, homeopothay, nlp, diet, changed our parenting styles and yes there has been a huge improvement.

• we have sorted out his pencil grip, he is starting to fulfill his potential at school, he will cuddle and kiss me, hold my hand on the way to school, he is less agressive, has less meltdowns.

We still go through ups and downs but I have my son back. It was the biggest relief to be told by a specialist who deals with kids with learning difficulties that DS1 had issues.

Trust your instincts and good luck