Making a will - feeling really low

[heartinthecountry]

Dh and I are going on holiday without dd at the beg of August. (Actually, its our delayed honeymoon as we couldn't go last year because of dd's seizures.)

But I started thinking yesterday that as we are travelling together without dd we should probably make a will. And that got me thinking, what on earth would happen to dd if we weren't around to look after her? Taking on any child would be a huge responsibility but taking on a child who has severe learning difficulties and epilepsy? Who can I ask to do that? Parents are too old (not now but what if dd is 10 or so and still needs carrying around?)don't think my sister would handle it plus has 2 of her own. MIL is on her own and though loves dd and looks after a lot just couldn't manage full time (she said as much).

So then I just got terribly terribly sad... I can't bear the idea that she would possibly have to go into care. I cried and cried last night thinking about her being all on her own without hugs and kisses every day (not that she would be of course but you know what I mean). And I know this is all theoretical and I am probably being totally ridiculous to get so upset about it. Spoke to dh about it and he was very pragmatic i.e "it is a hell of a lot to expect of anyone and there is a good chance she would have to go into care at some point, though not necessarily permanently, and anyway WE ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!"

Of course he is right.

Doesn't stop me feeling sad though.... and what the hell do I put in my will?

[luckymum]

Hugs to you, Hitc, its hard to think about what the future might hold for our children, even if they could cope alone but especially when we know they couldn't.

Who would be the best decision maker for your dd?.....not necessarily the person who could look after her but someone who would find the right care for her. A guardian doesn't have to actually look after a child, it can be someone who just has the final say on things. My sister is my children's guardian but that was before she had two of her own and moved to another country so I should probably have another think about it too. It's a big responsibility

[aloha]

I am sure you are both going to live very long, healthy lives. But why not discuss with your parents, sister and MIL about what they would like to happen? Maybe they will have suggestions. Also, (if the very worst happened, which is very, very unlikely) if you left your house and insurance policies etc to your dd's carer, they could pay for additional physical help with your dd when they needed it, presumably.
THe idea of what will happen if you die is a hideous one for all parents and must be particularly hard if your child has special needs If we both died I think my mum would have to have ds, and we would ask her to ensure he keeps in touch with his sister (who doesn't live with us). Horrible, upsetting thought though and it makes me feel sad too.

[heartinthecountry]

Sorry, can everyone ignore this. I was feeling shit this morning but, reading it back now, it sounds rather pathetic.

thanks lucky and aloha for your suggestions

[iota]

I have 2 small children and finally got round to making a will recently.
We consulted a solicitor and she has set up "trusts" for our assets such as house and insurance policies, which would be administered by the nominated guardians. It was all done very flexibly to allow for potential guardians being either in poor health or dead etc.

Horrible thinking about it, but I feel so much happier that it's now been done.

My advice is to see a specialist solicitor and get their expertise. It's worth the money.

[aloha]

Not pathetic at all. In fact it really is something all parents should think about but most of us can't face, I think.

[tamum]

I agree with aloha, it's not remotely pathetic. I don't suppose this will be of any comfort, but I used to know a family who fostered a number of children and adopted quite a few of them. Several had special needs and were really quite challenging to care for- they were the ones the foster parents adopted. Even in the worst case scenario, going into care doesn't have to mean an institution, it can mean lots and lots of love and cuddles.
Hugs.

[Jimjams]

terrifies me HITC. Luckily my parents are still young (ish) Mum in her 50's. But if something happened to them...... I can't think of anyone who could cope with ds1- either him or the fighting he needs. We were thinking of asking a friend with an auti dd or his nursery manager- becausen they are happy to fight - even if he wasn't going to be living with them- they don't give a damm about taking on the system.

[heartinthecountry]

Okay, I guess thinking about making a will isn't pathetic, but getting quite so upset about an eventuality which is, you are right aloha, incredibly unlikely, was maybe a little on the pathetic side .

Thanks everyone for your messages. Tamum - I know there are some incredible people out there and remain in total awe of those who choose to look after children with SN when they are not flesh and blood. It is a comforting thought.