Ed psych in the morning and feeling guilty

[MrsSam]

So in the morning we see the ed psych about DD1, she is 15 and has been struggling for a while in school which I am ashamed to say I didn't notice. I am even more ashamed to say we have always thought she was a bit of a ditzy blonde. DS3, her first younger brother has always had such obvious issues, DS4's epilepsy and deafness and DD2's deafness and dairy and soy allergy took up so much time I failed to see it in DD1 until this year when she had to come to me and tell me! So here I am at half past two in the morning feeling overwhelmed with guilt and going over and over in my mind all the things the ed psych might say whilst going over all the things I had failed to spot with DD. The more I go over it the more I want to kick myself! The number of times I have been exasperated with the poor girl and told her to get a grip or use some common sense when most likely she was doing her very best. Now I can see there were issues, not least the fact she never goes anywhere unfamiliar, not even five minutes down the road, if she doesn't know the route and hasn't repeated it several times before, giving her directions is difficult to say the least. And her naivety is unbelievable. She doesn't deal with periods at all well and disposal of sanitary pads is a particular problem. I guess I am just finding it hard to cope with this time, it feels as though my parenting is, to be quite frank, shit!

I really should be grateful for the speed at which the school have dealt with my concerns, the ed psych assessed her the day after I signed the permission slip which is quite impressive.

Anyone else miss the signs something wasn't quite right?

[FrayedHem]

How did the Ed Psych go?

Try not to be so hard on yourself, it sounds like your DD1's difficulties manifested themselves in a way that didn’t hugely stand out. And she has felt able to ask for help knowing you would do all you could to get her help, which you are. So you can't possibly be a shit parent.

I held off getting my DS3 assessed for reasons I can't quite articulate, despite some glaring obvious ones. And I've gone through the process with DS1 years before so knew better.

I hope the meeting was good and things get moving as needed for DD1.

[MrsSam]

Hi, thanks for the reply, meeting went ok, was hard going as DD1 is more in need than we thought. Her IQ is 71 which is only
Scraping in to borderline as 70 and under is considered low. That was hard to take in. She tries very hard to apply herself and her effort has been noticed, unfortunately it isn't helping at the moment. We were told she has specific language difficulties and doesn't understand a lot of conversation. The ed psych has referred to paeds neuro team to investigate further as she thinks DD1 certainly has something more going on and also to SALT. They are putting strategies in place to help her in school and hope by the time exams come round she can have had a full assessment from paeds and SALT so they can know how best she can be helped.

I still feel I have let her down but I am coming round a little, hindsight is a wonderful thing and looking back now I can see things that I could perhaps have spotted but then I think that would be the case for everyone who has ever had a child with special needs at any age. I think this has just (as everything always does) come at the wrong time with DD2's hearing loss diagnosis being thrown in to question just a couple of weeks ago my mind is trying to take in far too much new information.

Good news is DD1 is coping well with all this and actually really wants the help. Today she told me she knows she is different and has always known this but it's ok because her friends accept her anyway. I am just glad she feels supported.

[FrayedHem]

Crikey what a day. Everyone involved is on the ball and focused on getting DD1 the support she needs. You haven't let her down. What really stood out to me were the comments how she always works hard and applies herself - I bet these are things you've always encouraged.

I'm not surprised you're in information overload, do try and come up for air when you can.

Today she told me she knows she is different and has always known this but it's ok because her friends accept her anyway.

Isn't that just what we want for all our children. Accepting of herself and good friends. Priceless.

[flapjackfairy]

I think you are amazing to be coping with so many children with additional needs mrs sam ! I have 3 with all sorts of needs and sometimes we miss things as we are v busy dealing with obvious needs and also i find my normality is different to other peoples and so i accept things as usual that others would see as v unusual if you see what i mean.

Guilt is ever present as a mum in my experience so dont beat yourself up.

[MrsSam]

Thank you, I have had a good talk with myself and I know it's not my fault. Anyone could have missed the signs. DD1 is really struggling but I think this would have happened regardless at this time in her education. I think if she had started out in the comprehensive school she is in now instead of the first one she attended then we would have had this flagged in year 7 after the transition from primary school. As it is I think moving her in year 8 masked the problems to the new school and appeared as normal settling in issues. I know it's not my fault and I know it's time to push on making sure all help she needs is available to her.

[paulweller73Murielswedding]

I think your daughters school have let her down. If her IQ is so low she must be bewildered by work aimed at her peer group. Have they not flagged up any concerns and issues?

[Shesinfashion]

How have the school not noticed and reported your DD's difficulties? With a IQ of 71 she must have been struggling for years.

[Ohmuther]

MrsSam you sound like a top mum & your DD sounds incredibly resilient & wonderful. All credit to both of you.

[MrsSam]

Thank you for your replies,

I think DD has been struggling for years and I know her primary school let her down (school was in special measures after one HT left and it was chaos, DS3 was also let down there) and had I realised I would have stepped in but they had been great with my elder children and I trusted them. She then went to a less than desirable secondary school where she suffered at the hands of bullies which the school dealt with but I believe they wrote off her struggles as a result of the bullying and it would sort itself out. I believe the current school did notice some issues but they didn't surface as her friends carried her for one and secondly we lost my father last year in august and making allowances for her grief may have masked a great deal.

The school are on the ball now but the problems are really showing now. Three times week we have had tears because if test results and homework. Her geography homework involved a passage of 150 words and I had to give her the meaning for 32 of them! She had 6 out of 24 in her biology test today and she tried so hard my heart broke when she was crying about it. I am working on pushing through her referral as clearly this is spiralling now.