Any help me- Dd being rude a lot to me and meltdowns she is self aware of but can't help

[Waitingforsleep]

Dd is 8 and u diagnosed asd. I believe she is on the spectrum.
I am not sure how to help her with her with these two factors-

1. Being rude to me her dad and brother. She sounds terrible like a spoilt brat if things are "not fair" or something doesn't go as expected or when stressed she starts with the rudeness- I understand she isn't a horrible girl and this is part of her coping mechanism but how the hell do I stop it?!
   

2 meltdowns - I feel terrible as she can get like panic attack and knows she is doing it then calls herself stupid for not being able to control it. She says she is different and stupid. She did say when she starts with her behaviour it's because she has so many emotions going round she can't control them or deal with them and they come out in screaming. I think this is amazing insight for her but once again feel nothing I do helps her :(
She suffers with rigid fixed thinking, doesn't like plans changing, anxiety.
Everywhere apart from home she "holds it in so no one knows my secret" it's so unhealthy for her and I feel quite depressed too

Thanks

[Waitingforsleep]

She also sometimes doesn't understand what is being said and also is so clever that she may say that or something else as an excuse ( example- asking her to come down from climbing at the park we got her attention knew she had heard us but carried on anyway and then swore blind she didn't quite understand what we were saying and yes of course she would have done it if she knew... Very good at manipulation. But then today she got cross as her brother was singing scooby doo but made up words and she got cross with him but then told me she was so confused as could t understand why he was singing those words which I get)

If I ask things like "how do you think X feels about what you have done?" She will say " I don't know" but then other times will say " I will do X for y as he may be worried so I will make him feel better"

It's such a mixed profile!

[Waitingforsleep]

Done that twice to be told not asd twice. Yes done the explosive child method and doesn't work :(

[Waitingforsleep]

Oh gosh yes it is a way of being. I'm so worried about her though as she is so aware it's not the right way to behave she really struggles to not hate herself

[Waitingforsleep]

Crossed posts!

[Msqueen33]

My eldest is 7 and is nt and the first bit of your post sounds just like her. Part of it could be her age. My eldest has two siblings with asd so life is challenging for her but we get ALOT of "it's not fair".

[Waitingforsleep]

Her stock response is she can't help it and when calm we talk things through and she is brilliant but it always reverts back..

[Waitingforsleep]

That's what I do. We have some lovely conversations and she is so loving and kind. But still wondering how and when it will stop..

[Waitingforsleep]

She is so sensitive and o just feel devestatied for her too that she feels so stressed and out of control. Is that quite typical asd?

[Waitingforsleep]

Ah ok, just wondered with her level of self awareness on it all. Poor thing must be awful to be so aware of how you are bahaviong and not being able to help it. I'm so worried how it will
Manifest

[Waitingforsleep]

I feel at breaking point this am. Dd came into the bedroom and went mad at the sight of my son in my bed. I said I would go into her bed with her and it all started screaming shouting he is going out the bed and I'm coming in etc. I just don't know how to cope. I can't just let her do what she wants. Why should I wake my son up and move him? I was ok to go sleep with her but she didn't want that.
I can't live like this anynore

[OneInEight]

We describe ds1 as the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde character or that nursery rhyme "When she was good she was very, very good but when she was bad she was horrid" and for us that is the impact of Asperger's. ds1 had a horrendous period when he was 9 or 10 and losing the ability to cope in mainstream and you could barely say two words to him without him flying off the handle or being rude. Once he was taken (OK forcibly pushed) out of that situation his behaviour improved dramatically.

Looking back he must have been so stressed all of the time and that was the cause of the behaviour so my tip to you is don't focus on telling off the bad behaviour (she undoubtedly knows how to behave) but try and work out what is causing her anxiety and try and take steps to reduce this. If anything like my ds's this is likely to be lots of little things that sum up to a point at which they can't cope. In the early days we found a home-school behaviour book helped us identify what was causing problems e.g. supply teachers, literacy lessons, noise etc. So you could try a diary at home to try and work out triggers. One small thing we do when ds1 is being rude is to not tell off but respond by saying something like "You must be very angry / upset .... to shout at me like that - can I help sort it out". I know your dd has not got a diagnosis yet but the key to remember is that an ASC is a social communication disorder and often the child can not rather than will not be able to verbalise what is wrong and has to do it behaviourally instead.

[Ineedmorepatience]

Reducing anxiety, reducing demands, reducing volume will all help you. If your Dd is stressed and shouting try lowering you voice not getting louder along side her! She is losing control but you have to be her safe space if you seem to be losing it she will panic and be very frightened.

From your OP she sounds alot like my Dd3, she used to mask her difficulties so much that no one outside our immediate family ever saw them, it was really bad for her mental health and self esteem.

Who has your daughter been assessed by?

[OneInEight]

Try and think about why seeing your son in bed with you may have caused upset. This might be changing of the rules (she probably relies on these as a safety net in trying to understand a chaotic world); introduced the fear that something is wrong (will something bad happen to her also) or , of course, green-eyed monster syndrome. This can help you work out how to tackle the incidents. If the latter than the offering to sleep with her may have helped but if the former then better strategies might have been to offer an explanation of why your ds was in your bed and reassurance.

[Waitingforsleep]

Thanks all, I have been over the scenario with her before that if my son is in bed then I can go with her. It is a mixture of being jealous and change unexpected. However it's tricky as my son is similar although in a milder scale.
I did suggest yesterday that she keeps a book in school and that when she gets angry she writes in it so that she can vent and that I can see what is making her stressed. She says she keeps it all in but I said I want to help her to try and not feel so stressed so she doesn't have to keep anything in but I'm feeling that may be unrealistic now
I have said to her before I can see you are upset etc but it's met by screaming I'm not upset. It's best I let it ride out and then we talk.
It's no good for her or
My me tal health. I've stayed in bed this am and told my husband to get up as I feel so low. No one is listening she is in camhs and had two lots of assessments but all say anxiety not asd. She has art therapy starting sept but I feel that won't help.
The ot is the only person who has said she can see what I'm saying and I nearly cried to her. I'm seeing her tomorrow.
I'm also butting heads with
My husband and feel like telling him to leave

[Waitingforsleep]

Oh and yes re the masking means I don't have any support as family and friends don't see it and I have to say don't believe it. My relationship with my mum has deteriorated as I feel so let down and unsupported in this nightmare

[Ineedmorepatience]

Do CAMHS say what they think the under lying cause of the anxiety is? If not Asd then what?

I kept a diary (someone on here recommended it) of Dd3's day to day difficulties, what caused them and how I dealt with them. It showed that most if her issues were due to comunication misunderstandings, routines being broken or sudden changes and social interaction stuff. It really helped the Proffs to see past the mask.

Noone in my family believed that Dd3 had Asd. You really just need one Prof or teacher to recognise what you are seeing to help you move forward.

It took 3.5 yrs from the first referral to get Dd3's diagnosis! Read as much as you can about the female presentation of Asd and print off some articles for your next CAMHS appointment!

Dont give up, you will get there but be kind to yourself too.

[Waitingforsleep]

I have done most of the above but no help. I'm hoping the ot is the one to breakthrough. School have rang camhs too and say they believe she is on the spectrum. I changed her school last sept and it's been the best thing ever so at least they are good. I'm exhausted. This has been 6 years of Drs now and my self esteem is Rock bottom