So fucked off with people

[MrsBobDylan]

DS is 6, diagnosed with ASD at 2.6, goes to a SN school. Doesn't like to leave the house but once he's out he likes to go to a park or to eat in a cafe.

This summer has been a fucking nightmare for 'comments' from members of the general public. For example, woman in cafe making loud, shitty comments to the waiting staff about my son because he was making a fairly repetitive, low moan because he was distressed.

Today we went to the park and two sisters of about 7&9 wouldn't let ds hold part of the roundabout. He lost it and roared at them-I sprinted over and quickly got him to apologise and move on. 5 mins later the little girl tells her mum who finds my son on another piece of play equipment and tells him if she sees him go back to the roundabout again, she'll tell him to get off.

I know ds behaviour isn't what others 'expect' but really, an adult talking to a little six year old well after an event that she didn't even see...wtf.

My 8 year ended up explaining to her that his brother has a disability but said 'she wouldn't listen to me'.

I am proud of my son, deeply proud. I cannot guarantee his behaviour when we're out but we break ourselves to make sure it has as little impact on people as possible.

Two years ago I decided not to react to crappy comments because it impacted my son, his brothers and me and generally spoiled the outing. But now I want to find both those women and make them suffer.

I'm so angry. I need to get over it but I don't know how.

[MaterofDragons]

I'm angry for you too, she sounds like a real piece of work. FWIW you made the right decision not to react. I need to do the same. You're modelling great behaviours for him.

[gatorgolf]

Know exactly how you feel, I've had similar last few weeks

[MrsBobDylan]

They are lovely words thank you. It is so true that I could not have imagined the life we have with ds and now we're 'here' it is so fantastic to watch him navigate the world. It's that 'life less ordinary' thing, with him, he bows to no one and spends his days in pursuit of pleasure, regardless of our wants and desires. I have been such a conformist all my life and he just can't do it and I love him for that.

I hope this is it now for comments -if these fools really looked at ds they would see that he's doing just fine and they need to mind their own business.

[MrsBobDylan]

It's the thought of ds logging that woman's reaction, along with another woman in the options who literally glared at him as we collected my other son's glasses because he was running in circles then stood really close to her. I don't want him confused wondering if the world is filled with shitty people.

It's weird because ds is very loved by those who get to know him-today we met up with his reception teacher who adores him so much we've kept in touch.

[Shootingstar2289]

I feel for you, I really do. You were watching your son therefore dealt with it when he got upset when they wouldn't let him play. She wasn't watching hers or if she was is a horrible spiteful lady. If I was her I would them to let the little boy have a go.

Anyway, my 5yo has autism and we also struggle in busy places. To the point we don't really go very far anymore . We often visit the park around 7.30am so there is no one else around so he can have the zip wire to himself

Keep going. You are doing a fab job!

[lamya190]

Yeh people are pathetic and are so intolerant. I was walking home with my son today from an outing and he was telling me a story (his voice is quite loud) I'm sure I heard a woman I was walking past saying something about his voice being loud. For the first time ever I just walked by, I usually argue or answer back to people generally in life but it's really really not worth it or worth the hassle!!

[Lesley25]

I've had lots of comments recently too. I've perfected a death stare now so I don't upset my other ds or a righteous voice that makes them look ignorant.
But you're so right about "logging horrid people's feelings". I'll make a point of watching out for that.
I've been reading a book recently and one thing really resonated with me. It was about making the most of children's childhood even when it's tough getting out, we have to be able to make memories for them. It's such an important time and their childhood is precious and will whizz by.. It just helps "push" me out a bit more or find a way round an activity I know ds will like once I get over the tantrum to leave the house because once there ds will enjoy it.
I'm rambling a bit, but I just wanted to say I get it.

[MrsBobDylan]

I love reading all these replies, it helps me understand that we are a group together and we all matter and these people are just a minority of unenlightened dickheads.

Dh and I always wonder if part of the problem is that the general population, while bleating on about how 'common' ASD is these days and how keen parents are to stick a 'label' on their child, don't really get to see and hang out with kids like ours. Usually because we have been driven out of places by people like park woman.

But Lesley25 you're right, their childhood is NOW and I want my son to have a blast, even if like you, it takes us hours to actually get him to leave the house!

[Fairylea]

Similar experiences here, I really hate summer for these reasons. Ds is 4 and has asd and learning difficulties and is very, very loud. His "excited" voice is similar to a shout. I begrudge telling him to be quiet though as generally he is stressed and anxious so if he's happy albeit making noise that's fine by me, obviously I'm talking parks and walks etc - he wouldn't manage a cinema or whatever anyway. People give us looks, comments, not to mention the stares when he's in his (special needs) buggy or if his top rides up when he climbs up a climbing frame and - shock horror- he's wearing a nappy.

I always think people are a little bit frightened of people with disabilities. It's intimidating to them because it scares them a little bit - it's this whole world they don't know about and of course it never occurs to them it might happen to them (as it never really occurred to me I might have a child with asd before ds came along).

I think people see high functioning autism as more common nowadays and are more accepting of the "quirky" kid (as they perceive high functioning autism to be- I'm not saying that is my view, it's far more complex than that of course, I'm not even fond of the high and low functioning prefixes actually as its not that straightforward) but I think when confronted with a child who is so clearly "different" people struggle and judge. They look to the parents and try to make sense of things by trying to blame parenting, when actually there are no real reasons.

I've been known to go to the park at 7am and to look out of the window at the small park next door to us to make sure it's absolutely empty before I brave it with ds.

My world became smaller and bigger all at the same time when I had ds.

[MrsBobDylan]

"My world became smaller and bigger all at the same time when I had ds."

Yy to this (and what a great way to express it Fairylea).

It is so important that we all get out there and stay in that cafe when our kids are being loud or stick it out in the park and not allow ourselves to be marginalised. It's also really hard to do though.

We like to go to sen cinema showings, as do some families with younger kids who are nt. My husband wanted to leave last time as ds was swearing and he said there were young children there, but I said to him that if we can't go to a special viewing, then we might as well just give up and hand the entire world over to solely NT families. And I'm not prepared to allow ds to be pushed out. It's his world too.

[pandyandy1]

I just want to send a hug and say well done to you for keeping your cool in a difficult situation. Xx

My son is awaiting assessment (he will b 4 in December) and it currently breaks my heart every time another child moans about how he won't take turns or share or how he won't listen to the rules of the game! I feel like shouting 'he doesn't fucking get it! Give him a bloody break!' (Obviously I don't actually say it but I think it whilst I smile nicely explaining what he finds difficult!)

[lamya190]

The autism health visitor who came to see us after my son was diagnosed really stressed on taking my son out and taking pictures and making memories and albums which are really good to look at! Not just for ASD children but any children really so why should our kids miss out because of others ignorance!

[Msqueen33]

Some people frankly are fucking morons. Two of my three have asd and we've had looks. My dh has a very good death stare. But it hurts. I also really object to people taking nt children to the Sen showings at the cinema. Fair enough if the nt child has a sensitivity to noise but a lot of people I know take nt toddlers just because they don't want to disrupt the other viewers in normal showings. It really hacks me off.

My world is also very small. It's gotten better as my middle dd has gotten older but very hard with my three year old who has asd.

[youarenotkiddingme]

You did great to not react.

I truly believe people react the way they do it of ignorance and that it's their problem not mine or DS'.

Gets me through many a day!

[MrsBobDylan]

I did give stupid park woman my hardest, deadliest stare but she didn't notice. however, the nice woman running the bouncy castle asked me if I'd lost one of my kids as she saw me looking. Not very hard or deadly then I assume!

I am a bit worried that the next person who says something will get all my accumulated fury, but I will try my hardest not to.

I agree ignorance plays a huge part-when I look in aibu threads which detail children's behaviour there are always a raft of posters who repeat the line 'I don't let my child do that, I've taught them it's not acceptable' as though it works like that for all kids. It's too frustrating, I shouldn't read them really, it's not good for me!!

[Vipermisnomer]

"I am a bit worried that the next person who says something will get all my accumulated fury"

This is me exactly, of course it is the frikkin summer that's what is going on! I have been avoiding the main boards on purpose here now because of the bollocks comments but rl is unavoidable.

Lately it is becoming harder, people walking towards us glance at wheels, up to child - explore varying levels of gawp for inordinate amounts of time - then meet my eye and very very quickly look away because they either get the biggest smile I can muster to shame them or outright Paddington hard stare.

If dc was deaf I would so yell at some of those rubber necked wankers - and the ones who walk past, stop and then turn back to do extra gawping - those I front up to now - which I know is stupid and confrontational but I just can't bear it and they get such a fright when they finally clock me - they forget someone is pushing the wheelchair I think.

I am toying with the idea of putting a sign on the front of the wheelchair that says "SMILE!" but don't know if it will have the required effect. My lovely wonderful dc is so often glared and stared at and I can see it draining the joy from the world - if only people would smile - they would get such a happy beam of sunshine back...

[Vipermisnomer]

sorry for the long post, felt good to get that off my chest!

[smkemp]

If anyone has a problem, it's just that. It's their problem. What's so great about being normal anyway? Nobody ordinary ever achieved anything great or was remembered. Make memories for your child regardless!