Other parent telling off 5yo DS (ASD)

[IsItMeOr]

We have literally just had a diagnosis of ASD for DS this week. This has manifested itself in violent outbursts, often at his peers.

I had a bit of a weird experience this afternoon, and would appreciate any wise advice on how to deal with DS's obviously unacceptable behaviour where it impacts on other DCs?

We are just starting to read The Explosive Child, and will be trying those strategies once we get our heads around them.

Anyway, I took DS to the park after school for a short session. I thought it was going well, and after about 20 minutes I had DS walking towards the park exit with me. He doesn't like stopping doing one activity and starting another, so this is always a slightly tense point.

He was waving around a branch he had just picked up (think it was off a rose or something, as it had some small thorns). I was asking him to stop waving it about when he threw it, apparently intentionally (but, you will appreciate that DS's ability to anticipate the consequences of his actions is limited), in the face of a small person in school uniform (so probably nursery - 3ish) who was scooting past.

The small boy looked shocked and stopped. DS started running off, but I thought I should check the small boy was okay. Not a single mark on him and no crying. So just had a nasty surprise.

Meanwhile a very angry Dad charges over and grabs DS and starts telling him off and bringing him over to me and the small boy.

Anyway, I probably looked shocked and gabbled "he has autism, can you be careful please?". He says sorry but is still clearly very angry.

I explain to DS what he has done is not okay, and DS says sorry.

Dad then continues to go on at me about how it wasn't an ordinary stick because it has thorns. He has not actually said anything to his own child yet. He has checked him over and has had the opportunity to see that there is no physical injury. The other child is completely silent, so I would guess he is shocked.

DS and I walk out of the park with my cheeks flaming. I talked to DS on the way about what he had done and why it was dangerous and that he shouldn't thrown things when other people are around without checking carefully. He seemed to take it on board.

My instinct is that the other Dad's behaviour is highly unusual and this should not put me off from ever taking DS to the park again, but feeling a bit confused.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

No. That Dad's behaviour isn't usual. It is usual to tut, or shout out 'hey be careful' if you are pfbish, but do nothing at all if you have 3 kids and are knackered and the small child isn't harmed like me.

The thing is, your child needs practice at the park, and in social situations, and so do you in growing your thick skin.

Small child is probably new in school and parent's anxieties about being with 'big children' at an all time high. He should not have touched your child.

Go back. Go back a lot. Your child has a right to be in the park. Other children can learn to give him a slightly wider berth if he has poor judgement. His community need to know him, and he needs them to.

[Jasonandyawegunorts]

What are you confused about?
This dad totally over reacted, nobody should touch another person child, he should have come to you directly.

But i have to say from what you've written you handled it really well, so don't let this put you off from going to the park.

[IsItMeOr]

Oh thank you for reading that very long OP, and for your reassurance.

DH agrees with you.

I will work on toughening up. And next time will try to lead with something more like "Take your hands off my son".

[Jasonandyawegunorts]

I will work on toughening up. And next time will try to lead with something more like "Take your hands off my son".

Don't put yourself down, and don't forget you did stick up for him.

[Tambaboy]

I agree the dad was well out or order grabbing your DS and telling him off. You handled the situation very well.

[OddFodd]

The dad was a dick. You handled it perfectly. Go back to the park whenever you want :)

[IsItMeOr]

Thanks for saying I handled things well. I appreciate it .

[IsItMeOr]

Thanks Polter DS is ok, but was asking on the way home whether I would be "deleting" the order for his beanbag because of what he did (answer = no, and we have never really done consequences like that, just time outs). Think he's fine now.

I'm a bit wobbly now that DH is home - think it was a bit of a shock and I am still processing the diagnosis/figuring out who to tell and how.

Plus had a sad staff thing yesterday (poorly member of staff, who is having a really tough time - they were lucky to get away without an inappropriate motherly hug, but I did recommend MNet to them).

I work in a mental health environment, so while everybody is unsurprisingly good about my current scatter-brain wobbliness, it is also a bit triggering as my work involves thinking about very sad things happening to people. Have an external presentation to deliver next week, and my ambition is to get through it without crying .

[SystemId]

Just wanted to echo that I think you did well too

[IsItMeOr]

Thanks for extra - indeed unanimous - support.

I am now happy that I did the best I could in the circumstances. It was probably lucky that my angry reaction to the dad was delayed, as that probably wouldn't have helped!

I forgot to say that I was using the advice from a thread I started here the other week, which definitely Starlight was on, of a short play and leaving before anything went wrong.

It's the leaving that's a bit of trigger for DS, unfortunately, which is how I think the stick throwing happened.

So if I did well, it was partly because I was well-advised. Thanks again everybody.

[reader108]

We've given up park straight from school he's to overloaded and anxious always ends in tears mine and his!