Mum has died 
.
I could do with some advice on how to deal with this with DS1 and DS2.
DS1 appears oblivious but mum has been a big part of his life - she was the only other person other than me, DH and DS2 that he would do the honour of melting down in front of. What do I need to say to him? I can't wait for him to ask because he wont say anything until he is overwhelmed. This is likely to be at xmas as he has never had an xmas without grandma staying.
DS2 is very clingy and tearful. He has gone back to school today. His school friend's granddad died last year and is looking out for him. DS2's EP report describes his friend as having similar difficulties to DS2 (I think someone ought to mention that to the parents) and they normally text each other random nonsense but this morning DS2 text 'R.I.P. grandmar' . He says he is having difficulty sleeping because he is thinking about grandma dying.
This was not a good death. The circumstances were awful for the boys with huge disruption lasting an unknown length of time (which they coped brilliantly with considering). Mum suffered terribly and there was no hiding this. The coroner's office are now involved and there is to be a PM tomorrow. This makes it even more difficult to answer DS2's questions as to why grandma died.
During the last few days when mum was finally put on morphine and other drugs and lost consciousness my brother made me, DH and the boys very unwelcome (mum was discharged to his house) because we disagreed about mums needs and the level of care that she needed (he thought I was being pessimistic and attempting to destroy his family). I had to arrange a visit for Sunday afternoon for when he could take his family out. He had declared that all communication had to be via email. She died on the Monday an hour or so before my scheduled visit. He sent one email to say that I might be too late and then another less than 10 minutes later to say that she had passed away.
How do help them through all this? (I am not firing on all cylinders atm, I should have planned for this)
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
ASD and bereavement
KOKOagainandagain · 09/07/2014 11:46
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I've just been catching up with the G&C thread and have read zzzz's wise words of advice to perch. Eyes wide open - best to know that things will get worse. Maybe I should try and sleep in the lull before the results of the PM and the funeral.
At least I can sleep now - before the morphine took mums pain away I would fall asleep exhausted but awake in a panic that I had heard mum calling out and even whilst asleep couldn't get the image out of my mind 
I'll try and find some social stories so that I can answer questions that have never been asked as both boys have profoundly misunderstood things in the past.
I'll contact the RL advisory team. They have lent me books from their library before and might be able to help.
I have tried to minimise contact but both boys have witnessed and experienced mum being in agony and distressed for a couple of months.
This was possible whilst she was in hospital but when she went to my brothers it became quickly apparent that DH and I would have to do the vast majority of care, despite DS1 and DS2 being with us with plus 2-4 hours private care.
Mum had severe akathesia which was a side effect of antipsychotics and could not stay in one place. She would insist on getting out of bed for an agonising 15 minute inch by inch assisted walk to a chair where she would sit for a couple of minutes before we repeated the reverse. DH had to stand behind her (she had 5 falls in the first 7 days following discharge) and I had to walk backwards gently moving her zimmer forwards. The boys would be sat in the lounge during this. Even if they didn't see they couldn't fail to hear. I tried ear buds to play on iPods but it was impossible to hide over the time. I think DS2 may think that this is what dying is and is clingy because he fears others dying in agony and distress.
Sorry to hear that your Mum has died Keep - and sorry that you have all gone through so much in the past couple of months.
I haven't any advice on dealing with bereavement but you are all in my thoughts. 
DS1 would be utterly bewildering and would appear to be utterly callous and selfish if I didn't know that he has ASD. Try not to take it personally - easier said than done, I know having shouted 'there are more important things than ...' DS1 is practically selectively mute in public but we were staying at my mums house and returned for meals to let the boys 'release'. DS1's 'releasing' used to be hours of complaining bitterly that his holiday was being spoilt, it wasn't fair, he didn't see why he had to suffer etc. One thing that he said 'I want to do what I want to do' reminded me of the opening to Primal Scream's Loaded so we played the opening loudly over and over again and I mimed the 'Just what is it you want to do?' and DS1 mimed 'We just want to be free - we want to be free to do what we want to do' before collapsing in hysterics. He has tears in his eyes, he is looking at me and we have an emotional connection and I hope he feels it is OK to be him.
I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and slept until 7.30 this morning. DH is looking after the boys - although that seems to be watching the world cup and eating junk food.
PM today and then the coroner will phone me.
DS2's statement is still at the proposed stage and I have requested a meeting with the LA to delay things as much as possible. DH sent the case worker an email whilst I was with mum asking for a meeting to discuss contents and she responded by asking whether that was our formal parental response to the proposed. What is wrong with these people?
DS2 was due to have further SALT assessment in school today but the SALT has just phoned to say that DS2 is not up to it and the assessment will have to wait until September. She said he barely spoke yesterday and is very quiet today.
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Spoke to the CT today - I have to admit that the school are being very kind to DS2 as are the other DC in his class. He hides so much. If I ask him how his day was he just says ok.
DS1 is still in denial oblivious. He is currently playing GTA (I know, bad parent but if he doesn't have it he can't play on line with 'friends' so, swings and roundabouts - in my defence he does not visit the lap dancing bars 
).
Have to wait for the full pm report to find out the cause of pain as the coroner is only interested in establishing eventual cause of death and these are not necessarily the same thing. The only way I can find out is to read the full report
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Just seen this Keep. I'm so sorry :(
I do hope your response to the LA officer wasn't polite.
DH is going to screen the report.
Polter - you are truly wonderful - not only am I trying electronic cigarettes because of you, but now freedom from underage GTA guilt! You make it feel OK to be me 
Our - DH sent a shirty email to the case worker accusing her of taking advantage of the situation and threatening a report to the chief executive. He was shocked that she completely ignored him. I had to laugh.
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Just seen this keep so sorry to read your news
Be kind to yourself!
for asking.
Up and down, as to be expected. Hiding away and vapping for England. How many puffs equal a fag?! I think I'm going to od! Choosing funeral songs so eyes on sticks - I look like a frog.
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