Anyone want to do sharing/mutual hand-holding re horrible back-to-school experiences - DCs with anxiety/sensory issues?

[Jacksterbear]

DS has gone back to school (Y2) today.

So awful and upsetting.

Hours of tantrums and tears last night (not ostensibly about school but it's clear that was the underlying anxiety). An hour of the same before school this morning. Got him into the classroom ok (with the promise that I would stay for a little while to settle him), but he then hid under the table; and then the inevitable meltdown happened when I tried to leave. Half an hour of screaming in the corridor later, we (me, Senco, TA and his 1:1 supporter) decided that I needed to just leave, and it took all three of them to prise him away from me and I had to leave (I was in tears by this point, not helpful obviously but I couldn't help it) while he struggled and screamed.

Senco phoned about an hour later to say he had only just calmed down. Suggested taking him in at 8.45 and he'll be met by his TA, for future mornings.

Argghhh. Still tearful and feeling totally drained now. Anyone else had a bad morning with school drop-off and want to share?

[Pawprint]

Aw, poor you and poor ds :( I don't have a SN child but my sister had SN and this kind of situation did happen quite regularly. One of her triggers was Sunday lunch at my Grannie's house because she didn't like one of my Grannie's friends (far too complicated to explain why the friend had to be there, but take it from me it was a nightmare). There would be a massive meltdown :(

Hope things get better over the week.

[claw2]

Ds doesn't go to school until Thursday, but I can sympathise totally.

Ds will be returning to school after a year of being out of school. Prior to this I had the sleepless nights, the screaming, the hiding, the refusing to get dressed or leave the house. Ds was self harming and having suicidal thoughts at the mere mention of school.

I hope things improve for you. Getting there earlier and having TA to meet you, sounds like a step in the right direction.

[Jacksterbear]

Thanks Pawprint.

God, "claw2", that sounds horrendous . I wish you all the best for Thursday. How old is your DS?

[Jacksterbear]

I meant claw2 not the "s!

[YourHandInMyHand]

I'll join in and share.

Have had much the same with DS and have started a thread in here titled WWYD? as I don't know how much longer either of us can go on. We've had the crying last night and this morning too.

Claw how you described your DS is the way I am worried my DS will go if I don't step in and pre-empt it. I am really worried for his emotional well being.

[ToffeeWhirl]

You have all my sympathies, Jackster. My DS1 has gone through all this. In the end, we took him out of school to home educate him and try to get on top of his anxiety issues (he has OCD as well as generalised anxiety). He is now 13 and wants to go back to school, but it is to a small, independent, not a large state school.

Do you know what it is about school that upsets DS so much? Have you had any advice on dealing with the sensory issues from an OT? It is CBT that has helped DS1 with his anxiety issues. He had it first when he was nine and became school phobic and is having it again now. Both times, it has helped.

I used to be in tears after having to, literally, drag him to school some mornings. It's horrible and goes against all your instincts as a mother. I was told (by a CAMHS professional) that he had to keep going or he would develop a phobia of school and we'd never get him back. That's all very well, but there is a reason why some children get upset about school and if that isn't being dealt with they will not get better about going.

Does he like his TA? DS1 had a wonderful TA when he was nine and she made all the difference. She used to meet me halfway along the route when I couldn't get him there (also had my younger son in a pushchair at the time, so it was challenging, to say the least!).

[Jacksterbear]

I just looked at your WWYD thread, YourHand. God, it's so hard isn't it? So heartbreaking.

(((hugs))) to you.

[claw2]

Jack ds is 9, the self harming started after starting school when he was 5 and just got worse and worse. It resulted in years of 1:1 therapy at CAMHS and more recently an emergency A&E mental health assessment. Then a year off of school.

Yourhand Luckily after 5 years of fighting ds now has a statement and starts specialist indie school on Thursday. He struggled for years in MS and just goes to show just how important receiving the appropriate support in school can be and how detrimental it can be is if not received.

[Jacksterbear]

Toffeewhirl I think the school anxiety is a combination of lots of things. 1. Separation anxiety re leaving me/DH. 2. Anxiety over anticipated demands and expectations. 3. Anxiety over loss of control - someone else dictating the agenda. 4. Anticipated frustration over not getting his work quite right / how he wants it to be. 5. Sensory issues over the crowding, noise etc.

He's due to be assessed for PDA shortly and is under assessment for ASD, as well as having already been diagnosed with SPD and anxiety. He is starting OT this month, and CBT has been suggested, but it seems to depend on whether he is diagnosed with ASD/PDA or not.

His TA is the same TA he had in YR so it's good that he knows her, although he hasn't really seen her for the last year.

I really don't think I could cope with HE!

[ToffeeWhirl]

I didn't think I could cope with home ed either, op, but we ran out of options because DS1 wouldn't leave his bedroom, let alone go to school.

Good that he has a familiar TA at least.

Would it help your DS if he did shorter hours at school or fewer days per week whilst he gets his OT underway and sees the therapist for his diagnosis? It all sounds too much for him and he may do so much better once the right people are helping him.

[Jacksterbear]

YourHand I know what you mean re worrying how it will end up. DS bangs his head on the floor and smacks his head with his fist, while repeating over and over that he is bad/naughty/stupid/rubbish. I know that's nowhere near comparable to e.g. cutting or suicide attempts but I do worry that it could be the start of a self-harming pattern that ends up with those things.

[Jacksterbear]

ToffeeWhirl, yes, SENCO mentioned this morning that part time would be a possibility which we can discuss if he's not coping.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Our poor dcs. Jackterbear the reasons you listed are just the same as I would list for DS. He was beside himself last night.

DS is already than stronger than me and I feel bad but I had told him in the past that it is the law that children go to school. So he goes but goes in crying. It breaks my heart and I can't help but feel I am letting him down.

I might ask about part time/ flexi I think.

Am also considering going back to GP and asking for assessment by OT and to discuss his anxiety levels. He has his ASD dx, but am wondering if looking at his anxiety, sensory issues, and so on may help with things.

[claw2]

Yourhand, Ive just read your other thread too but thought I would comment on this one. You could ask for a referral to CAMHS too. They proved useful to us in firstly establishing that ds's anxiety was school related and secondly eventually signing him off from school which meant LA had to provide a home tutor.

[ToffeeWhirl]

That's a good point about home tutoring, claw. We didn't deregister DS1 immediately. At first, he had online learning provided through the LEA and this would have progressed to home tutoring and attending a pupil referral unit except that we decided to deregister because even this was too stressful for DS1 at the time. The (lovely) LEA co-ordinator told me that many of the children she deals with suffer from anxiety issues and are unable to cope with school.

Unfortunately, in my experience, it takes at least six months to set up the LEA home tutoring. In our case, I was effectively home educating DS1 during this time. However, it might be worth asking the school about this option, op, and getting them to put you in touch with the local education co-ordinator. At least it could be another option up your sleeve.

[notapizzaeater]

Hand holding here - we just would not go to steep last night - trying to delay this morning.

This morning we had a good 45 mins screaming, crying and shouting. Made worse by it being a new school. I walked with him to the bus stop and once he saw some of his friends he calmed down.

On tenterhooks now waiting for him to come home ....

[elliejjtiny]

Offering a hand to hold. I have to admit I have chickened out and DH does the morning school run now as I couldn't cope with DS2 being picked up and carried into the classroom by his TA. He's in the same class as a little boy who he really doesn't get on with this year as their different SN means they clash personalities if that makes sense.

[claw2]

Toffee Initially I was told by EWO that ds could receive home tuition if both school and LA agreed to it. I assume neither would agree, so CAMHS had to sign ds off from school on medical grounds and make a referral to the PRU, who then provided a home tutor.

This was only offered AFTER I sent the letter to school and LA deregistering ds and stating I was planning on Home ed.

However home tutor is only ever a temp measure, in ds's case until specialist school was named in statement. A lot of other children progress to attending the PRU.

So if Jack did want to consider home tutor, she should also be aware it would probably result in being pushed to attend the PRU eventually. Unless she had a specialist school in mind.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Yes, that's a good point about it being a temporary measure, claw, and it was one of the reasons we deregistered, as the pressure of working towards attending PRU or going back to school was too much for us all.

[Jacksterbear]

ellie yes it makes sense! ds also clashes with another boy with sn in his class: other boy tends to bite people who get in his personal space, and ds tends to get in others' personal space: not a good combination!

I too have asked dh to do the school run for the rest of this week as while it's upsetting for dh he's unlikely to break down in tears - a visibly upset parent is the last thing ds needs!

notapizzaeater hope your ds was ok once he went in.

[Jacksterbear]

Thanks claw and Toffee for the info re tutoring etc too.

[claw2]

Yes Toffee, ds would not cope at PRU or returning to his previous school. If those were the only options available to us, I would have HE.

As it turned out, the 'threat' of me deregistering ds to HE was enough to kick the LA into action and I never actually deregistered ds and he received home tutor, until statement was issued and specialist school was named. He starts Thursday, so fingers crossed.

[YourHandInMyHand]

ellie we've had that situation the last 5 years but finally they have been split up as their year this year is split over 2 classes. I completely get it and I think the staff at school were as relieved as me and DS that him and his class mate he clashed with would be separated for a year. Hopefully it will do them both good.

Is there no chance of them being put in different classes? This is the only year that will be possible for my DS as his school is so small, but in bigger schools it makes sense to teach them separately!

I did wonder about going to camhs. My sister has just had a very bad experience with them though with her son and that has put me off TBH. :-/ I might bite the bullet and go for it though.

The tutoring info is useful thanks.

Hope we all find our dcs a little less stressed than they were this morning.

[YourHandInMyHand]

claw it's odd isn't it how certain things will kick them into action. When I went to look at another MS school last year (after DS escaped and was found wandering the streets) the 2 heads had obviously been chatting on the phone together before I went to visit the other school. She also looked at me in panic when I used the word deregister.

Do they get marked down or something when kids are pulled out of school??

[claw2]

Yourhands, you do have to be careful with CAMHS and show how you are dealing with anxiety ie what you have in place, how you react etc, etc. I felt my parenting was very much being judged and it is a 'family' service ie helping parents to deal with their childrens anxiety. However they did prove helpful to us eventually.

Sorry to hear your sisters experience wasn't very good.