Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

HELP! Cant get ds to comply with meds and FII against me? PLS HELP!

(117 Posts)
miemohrs Tue 19-Feb-13 09:51:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think the significant point here is that truth or not truth, you just have no way of proving your side of things, particularly as I bet that 'some' of your side is a result of a complex interplay of home/school/personality/disability.

That doesn't mean there isn't a real need here for your ds or that you are making things up. No-one is saying that. But you are powerless. There is no 'truth' or justice. There is just what there is, and it will cause you to implode if you don't withdraw, even if you consider withdrawing to be just a temporary arrangement.

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 20:00:24

It's not about who you can convince. It's about your DS and his needs. Let me see if I can show you what I mean through DD2:

I think DD2 has some issues. Now, they aren't easy to spot - for instance today, at the meet-up, she was content to do her own thing, largely, and towards the end joined in with running/tumbling. She didn't speak very much at all.

I had spoken to the teacher at school 1. She told me DD2 was fine. But, I knew that DD2 was not fine. Several conversations like this occurred. DD2 was so not fine that she was actually telling me - DD2 doesn't tell me much at all. You know what happened next....result: moving school.

This is where I see our stories converging a bit:

I have a paediatrician who has said 'hmm..there's something...not sure what...can't put my finger on it. Processing's quite slow and she's very passive. Could be this, could be that. Could be that she's sub-diagnostic for a few things and that results in an 'out of sync child', but that she won't ever get a specific diagnosis.....look up dyspraxia while you're reading..see what you think.'

Now, I could go to school 2 and say 'yes, she's got features of ASD, features of dyspraxia and we're referred to SALT, OT, Audiology', because technically, he has said all of that. Would he say, if asked directly, that she has 'ASD traits'? Quite possibly not - he was chatting with us and musing, and he's really not sure what's going on.

So, I have two choices:

1) Go to school 2 and say 'by the way...she's seen a paediatrician, letter's delayed due to staffing. We're not quite sure what the issues are yet, but you might notice that she agrees with any question you ask, so you might need to ask her open questions. She also has a habit of blanking children who talk to her, so she might need a bit of prompting.'

2) Go to school 2 and say 'this is a list of all the things we've noticed that DD2 struggles with and we'd like to know what you're going to do about them. We think she has features of the following conditions...'

I thought about it and had advice from a friend whose child goes to School 2 to make an appointment with the SENCO and be really upfront. However, I chose route 1. Why?

Well, because I have come to the conclusion that I'm either going to be right about DD2 and her issues will become obvious, even if subtle, or her issues will resolve (I don't think they will). The issues I've noticed academically will become more important as she progresses through school.

Socially, I'm hoping that she's nurtured by some lovely children and encouraged. If not, it will be clear that it is her that is the issue, not the school, because this is her 2nd school.

Her teacher has already picked up 3 things:

1) She sucks her hand during class - she was worried it was a new behaviour so checked with me.
2) She says she has tummy ache a lot - she's interpreting it as likely anxiety and a sign that DD2 needs a break from what she's doing.
3) She's obsessed with repeating patterns - she thought DD2 was really bright when she said that colouring-writing-colouring-writing was a repeating pattern until DH and I burst out laughing and said she'd discovered her obsession.

What I'm trying to say is that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 20:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 21:12:55

Would it make a difference to have some support so you could try a minor renegotiation of the terms of the truce?

lougle Fri 22-Feb-13 21:22:55

miemohrs, that is simply not what we are saying and I think you know that. I'm stepping away now.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 21:46:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 21:55:14

Random musings
If you could get some control over the running off, and the lying down, and the crying, life would be much easier. The option more-school-support-less-stressed-dc option is gone.
Which leaves CBT anxiety reduction, mindfulness and parenting course/ABA style behaviour management strategies.

The park TV wink
Or study? what you have been forced to over-learn in RL, and turn it into a useful certificate. grin

MareeyaDolores Fri 22-Feb-13 22:04:25

That's why I posted a non-standard link. "Normal" style couple counselling rarely works for the more neurodiverse families hmm

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:16:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:35:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 22-Feb-13 22:53:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigpants1 Sat 23-Feb-13 01:19:05

miemohrs,
Sorry things are tough at present. I have many thoughts on your situation, but a few practical things come to mind, that I hope will help ease things a bit.
Firstly, you recognise that ds has to go to school, but this causes him anxiety. But, he does Not have to go to any Clubs outside of school for now. He is socialising at school, maybe not well sometimes, but perhaps this is enough for him for the time being, all he can manage. Perhaps the Clubs on top of this are too overwhelming, & that is why he reacts as he does. He cannot verbalise his feelings, but he is letting you know by his crying & reluctance. Perhaps you need to acknowledge this, & let him be at home after school.
If home is where he feels most comfortable & secure, with all that is familiar, let him be there. Hopefully, as time progresses, and his anxiety lessens, he will be able to go to an activity. But, do it in baby-steps, at his pace, & let him choose the activity when he is ready.( If this means stopping Swimming lessons if he still has them, so be it).
Secondly,I know this may be galling, but I think you should enroll on a recognised Parenting Course. NOT, because I think you are not parenting adequately, ( I don't know you enough to make such a statement), but I think in the long run it could help redress the imbalance of Power between yourself & Profs, even between you and your 'H' somewhat. If you do such a Course, when you have meetings, the Profs. will not be able to view you as an inadequate parent & be so disparaging towards you. You will be speaking from a position of knowledge which gives empowerment. You will feel more confident that you are doing right by your ds, so if your H tries to undermine you, it should be water off a duck's back.
Lastly, regardless of what the Pead or any Prof. says, bullying in any shape , should not be tolerated. The Bullying has been documented by the school, so they cannot say it is not happening. I don't think you should communicate with the HT just now, (too soon after meeting!), but you could e-mail the Head of Education in your LA & ask for a copy of the Authorities Anti-Bullying Policy.
(Do Not go into Any details/information re your ds ), just simply request a copy.
Once read, you are then in a strong position to make an appointment with the HT & take the Document, & point out relevant parts & ask that is applied to ds.
If you do these things, you are taking back some control for yourself, giving some peace of mind that you are doing something practical to help ds, but, Importantly, in the Process, you are Not coming into Any Conflict with anyone, thereby giving noone any cause to further CP or FII proceedings.
HTH. x

pollypandemonium Sat 23-Feb-13 02:08:26

I was just thinking this morning about how the services can make us second guess ourselves. We worry about what our children say, how they look or seem for fear of it being misinterpreted by the services. And then I read this thread. sad

What a nightmare you are going through. Glad you are getting medical needs sorted, a decent nights sleep will definitely help.

lougle Sat 23-Feb-13 07:44:45

miemohrs, I'm not upset by your post. I do think it infers that posters who have tried to help you see the wider picture have suggested that you 'ignore your DS's problems', rather than the more accurate case that you should view your DS's problems in the perspective that others have.

Your account of the reports are not objective. You are putting emphasis where there is none and concluding that they support your position, which they don't entirely, hence the fact that you've got several professionals telling you that your perception of your DS's needs is inflated.

For example, earlier in this thread you say "Just shows what DK said about him being sleep deprived was backing up what we've been saying {all his life...} and we should have had help with this aaaaages ago." Well, yes, but that statement from DK is in relation to a report from another agency who formed their opinion based on your report of the situation - you can't say that a report reporting what you told them backs you up confused - it merely reports your view of the situation.

I'm not suggesting that your DS does not have eczema. I'm not suggesting that he does not have cold sores. I'm not suggesting that you ignore these. I'm not suggesting that anxiety doesn't cause those, or at least exacerbate them. However, you seem to lay the blame for the anxiety at school's door. Your DS spends 30 hours per week at school and 138 hours per week at home.

Anyway, I hope that your DS gets some support, somehow, in the areas he needs. It sounds like he could do with some support to deal with the home situation, that can't be easy.

justaboutchilledout Sat 23-Feb-13 18:32:34

Yes.

I wonder if it is time for an entirely new approach from you.
Your marriage is on the rocks and this can't be helping DS.

Can you possibly take a step back, appreciate how local agencies can see a complex picture (indeed, EVERY professional who has assessed you has seen a complex picture in which anxiety is added to by home) and just try to do what everyone is suggesting, make up at home for the school deficits for now?

I really can't get too excited about the revelation that the school is being crap. You knew they were crap, that is why you removed your son originally. You sent him back because it was less crap than the second school. But you cannot reasonably have expected them to be less crap.

You have ruled out moving. You can't change schools.

I think your case is unusual in one very specific way. There have been a lot of mothers on here with obstructive schools in denial. But all of them, eventually, have had one or more professionals turn around and agree wholeheartedly that their child is definitely disabled, and that it is NOT mother's issues that is causing the problem. You have not had that. You've had an equivocal report which does not discount the fact that family environment is contributing (although it says that is not the whole story, which is great). Therefore it is actually reasonable for the local professionals to think you are part of the problem, there is NO ONE suggesting otherwise.
You have to accept that and work within the situation. Which I think means stopping fighting and focusing on trying to help your son yourself (and I don't mean by dragging him to extra-curricular activities).

You tried home-ed and didn't like it, I recall. You could always revisit that again.

PolterGoose Sun 24-Feb-13 00:04:38

I'm reading between the lines here and do not know your full story but I cannot help but wonder about your relationship and that it sounds abusive. Maybe not violent, but the power your husband has and what you say certainly rings alarm bells for me. Will you have a look at this Power and Control Wheel please? And also have a look at Scottish Women's Aid and read this download on coercive control

I've read your threads in the past and just felt I had nothing to contribute, but you've had some sound advice from people like BeeMom, lougle and Mareeya about the situation with ds, I just can't help thinking that there is more to your life than we know and it all contributes to the anxiety, and whatever needs your ds has, diagnosed or not, anxiety will always make things worse, for all of us. Women's Aid can help with the legal issues too wink

and HONK

miemohrs Wed 27-Mar-13 12:33:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

what you do is apply as a casual admission. The school records will follow (should be within 15 days under English system). Schools deal with families who have/ have had social services involvement all the time. you want stand out unless you put yourself out there. So don't.
Say nothing at the walk round to see if you like it. At the meeting when he goes to one keep it simple. 'We've had worries/concerns for a while; he's had different assessments, but nothing has been very clear. Perhaps we could schedule a review in three months to see how he is getting on.'
Then just resist all temptation til then.

miemohrs Thu 28-Mar-13 22:40:04

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miemohrs Thu 28-Mar-13 22:45:43

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lougle Fri 29-Mar-13 07:43:58

How about just phoning a school and saying 'do you have a place in x year, please?'

If they have a space, they have to take him.

Maybe, but I wonder what you are saying to make a school leap to thinking you want a special school? That's weird.
Locally, and I think, in england, the local authority co-ordinates in year (casual) admissions for maintained schools while academies and free schools do their own.
You just ring and ask to have a look round. I can't remember what the DK report said, but I would be really kind of 'we've had concerns, and a couple of school changes, we've never really got agreement on where his difficulties are, but I'm sure you'll get the paperwork if he comes here. What sort of facilities do you have for those with asd traits, or more vulnerable socially?'

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:55:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Okay, do your research via the good schools guide and ofsted. All schools have to meet sen requirements, so theoretically he will be looked after wherever he goes. You can only get a feel for a school by looking round, ask a few general sen questions but keep to we have concerns, never reached a general consensus, how would you let me know if you felt he was having difficulties.
Etc.

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