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I think the significant point here is that truth or not truth, you just have no way of proving your side of things, particularly as I bet that 'some' of your side is a result of a complex interplay of home/school/personality/disability.

That doesn't mean there isn't a real need here for your ds or that you are making things up. No-one is saying that. But you are powerless. There is no 'truth' or justice. There is just what there is, and it will cause you to implode if you don't withdraw, even if you consider withdrawing to be just a temporary arrangement.

It's not about who you can convince. It's about your DS and his needs. Let me see if I can show you what I mean through DD2:

I think DD2 has some issues. Now, they aren't easy to spot - for instance today, at the meet-up, she was content to do her own thing, largely, and towards the end joined in with running/tumbling. She didn't speak very much at all.

I had spoken to the teacher at school 1. She told me DD2 was fine. But, I knew that DD2 was not fine. Several conversations like this occurred. DD2 was so not fine that she was actually telling me - DD2 doesn't tell me much at all. You know what happened next....result: moving school.

This is where I see our stories converging a bit:

I have a paediatrician who has said 'hmm..there's something...not sure what...can't put my finger on it. Processing's quite slow and she's very passive. Could be this, could be that. Could be that she's sub-diagnostic for a few things and that results in an 'out of sync child', but that she won't ever get a specific diagnosis.....look up dyspraxia while you're reading..see what you think.'

Now, I could go to school 2 and say 'yes, she's got features of ASD, features of dyspraxia and we're referred to SALT, OT, Audiology', because technically, he has said all of that. Would he say, if asked directly, that she has 'ASD traits'? Quite possibly not - he was chatting with us and musing, and he's really not sure what's going on.

So, I have two choices:

1) Go to school 2 and say 'by the way...she's seen a paediatrician, letter's delayed due to staffing. We're not quite sure what the issues are yet, but you might notice that she agrees with any question you ask, so you might need to ask her open questions. She also has a habit of blanking children who talk to her, so she might need a bit of prompting.'

2) Go to school 2 and say 'this is a list of all the things we've noticed that DD2 struggles with and we'd like to know what you're going to do about them. We think she has features of the following conditions...'

I thought about it and had advice from a friend whose child goes to School 2 to make an appointment with the SENCO and be really upfront. However, I chose route 1. Why?

Well, because I have come to the conclusion that I'm either going to be right about DD2 and her issues will become obvious, even if subtle, or her issues will resolve (I don't think they will). The issues I've noticed academically will become more important as she progresses through school.

Socially, I'm hoping that she's nurtured by some lovely children and encouraged. If not, it will be clear that it is her that is the issue, not the school, because this is her 2nd school.

Her teacher has already picked up 3 things:

1) She sucks her hand during class - she was worried it was a new behaviour so checked with me.
2) She says she has tummy ache a lot - she's interpreting it as likely anxiety and a sign that DD2 needs a break from what she's doing.
3) She's obsessed with repeating patterns - she thought DD2 was really bright when she said that colouring-writing-colouring-writing was a repeating pattern until DH and I burst out laughing and said she'd discovered her obsession.

What I'm trying to say is that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

I DO have a truely exceptional young man on my hands (but we all think that about our own kids, dont we? AND I have an amazing dd too

I do enjoy spending time with him. I do try to build up his confidence. ALL THE TIME. I will continue to try to take him to school, even when he is sobbing and laying down on the pavement. I will continue to try to get him out to clubs even when he is crying and running off. I will continue to try to get him out and about for walks / playparks, even when he is screaming and throwing things because he doesnt want to leave the tv / his cuddle cat etc.

I cannot build any more bridges with H - he doesnt want to build them. I can ask him to leave, or I can leave or we can carry on with our negotiated truce. If I leave and stay locally that will just be more 'evidence' of ropey home life stuff, If I leave and move area they will see red flags. I am stuck with the negotiated truce (unless he walks out again) and I dont see how to improve this? It isnt good for any of us.

I can make no progress with this LEA or nhs board. I will not try to any more.
I will turn up to the next meeting and listen to them tell me how happy my son is and how much progress he is making. I will try not to think of his tear stained face, the exzema, the cold sores, the bullying, the lack of praise and criticism by the teacher.

I would like to move area in due course. I will take advice on whether this is possible.
If not, I dont know how I will carry on tbh. But I have to, like we all do.

Would it make a difference to have some support so you could try a minor renegotiation of the terms of the truce?

miemohrs, that is simply not what we are saying and I think you know that. I'm stepping away now.

Lougle,
I am not sure what I put in my last post that upset you?
i didnt say that was what anyone else was saying
just, this is how my situation FEELS to me, atm.
hopefully in a few days when I am less raw, it will feel less awful.

maria
We've been to couple counselling. Took me 3 years to get him there. the counsellor suggested that as there was a major power imbalance between us (on his side) that it was not healthy to continue.

Random musings
If you could get some control over the running off, and the lying down, and the crying, life would be much easier. The option more-school-support-less-stressed-dc option is gone.
Which leaves CBT anxiety reduction, mindfulness and parenting course/ABA style behaviour management strategies.

The park TV
Or study? what you have been forced to over-learn in RL, and turn it into a useful certificate.

That's why I posted a non-standard link. "Normal" style couple counselling rarely works for the more neurodiverse families

Yy. If I could get him emotionally on a more even keel everything would be better.
He has had some antiallergy stuff this week given by gp to help with the night time scratching of eczema. She said it might be a bit sedative and to give him it at 6pm. He has been like a diff boy. In bed by 9pm.!!!!!!!!!!!!
Asleep by back of 10.
He has NEVER been asleep by back of 10!!!!!!
He has lain in a relaxed way in bed too, instead of the usual contorted teethgrinding stuff. Reallly different, even when sound asleep. And, best of all, NOT ended up in my bed. Hurrah!
He has been like a different boy during the day. School have noticed too.
We told the Pead today.
She was .

Ah. Maria.
Further to your last link and my pm.
A niche for me to go into perhaps?

Sorry again if I upset you, lougle. I didnt mean to.x.

miemohrs,
Sorry things are tough at present. I have many thoughts on your situation, but a few practical things come to mind, that I hope will help ease things a bit.
Firstly, you recognise that ds has to go to school, but this causes him anxiety. But, he does Not have to go to any Clubs outside of school for now. He is socialising at school, maybe not well sometimes, but perhaps this is enough for him for the time being, all he can manage. Perhaps the Clubs on top of this are too overwhelming, & that is why he reacts as he does. He cannot verbalise his feelings, but he is letting you know by his crying & reluctance. Perhaps you need to acknowledge this, & let him be at home after school.
If home is where he feels most comfortable & secure, with all that is familiar, let him be there. Hopefully, as time progresses, and his anxiety lessens, he will be able to go to an activity. But, do it in baby-steps, at his pace, & let him choose the activity when he is ready.( If this means stopping Swimming lessons if he still has them, so be it).
Secondly,I know this may be galling, but I think you should enroll on a recognised Parenting Course. NOT, because I think you are not parenting adequately, ( I don't know you enough to make such a statement), but I think in the long run it could help redress the imbalance of Power between yourself & Profs, even between you and your 'H' somewhat. If you do such a Course, when you have meetings, the Profs. will not be able to view you as an inadequate parent & be so disparaging towards you. You will be speaking from a position of knowledge which gives empowerment. You will feel more confident that you are doing right by your ds, so if your H tries to undermine you, it should be water off a duck's back.
Lastly, regardless of what the Pead or any Prof. says, bullying in any shape , should not be tolerated. The Bullying has been documented by the school, so they cannot say it is not happening. I don't think you should communicate with the HT just now, (too soon after meeting!), but you could e-mail the Head of Education in your LA & ask for a copy of the Authorities Anti-Bullying Policy.
(Do Not go into Any details/information re your ds ), just simply request a copy.
Once read, you are then in a strong position to make an appointment with the HT & take the Document, & point out relevant parts & ask that is applied to ds.
If you do these things, you are taking back some control for yourself, giving some peace of mind that you are doing something practical to help ds, but, Importantly, in the Process, you are Not coming into Any Conflict with anyone, thereby giving noone any cause to further CP or FII proceedings.
HTH. x

I was just thinking this morning about how the services can make us second guess ourselves. We worry about what our children say, how they look or seem for fear of it being misinterpreted by the services. And then I read this thread.

What a nightmare you are going through. Glad you are getting medical needs sorted, a decent nights sleep will definitely help.

miemohrs, I'm not upset by your post. I do think it infers that posters who have tried to help you see the wider picture have suggested that you 'ignore your DS's problems', rather than the more accurate case that you should view your DS's problems in the perspective that others have.

Your account of the reports are not objective. You are putting emphasis where there is none and concluding that they support your position, which they don't entirely, hence the fact that you've got several professionals telling you that your perception of your DS's needs is inflated.

For example, earlier in this thread you say "Just shows what DK said about him being sleep deprived was backing up what we've been saying {all his life...} and we should have had help with this aaaaages ago." Well, yes, but that statement from DK is in relation to a report from another agency who formed their opinion based on your report of the situation - you can't say that a report reporting what you told them backs you up - it merely reports your view of the situation.

I'm not suggesting that your DS does not have eczema. I'm not suggesting that he does not have cold sores. I'm not suggesting that you ignore these. I'm not suggesting that anxiety doesn't cause those, or at least exacerbate them. However, you seem to lay the blame for the anxiety at school's door. Your DS spends 30 hours per week at school and 138 hours per week at home.

Anyway, I hope that your DS gets some support, somehow, in the areas he needs. It sounds like he could do with some support to deal with the home situation, that can't be easy.

Yes.

I wonder if it is time for an entirely new approach from you.
Your marriage is on the rocks and this can't be helping DS.

Can you possibly take a step back, appreciate how local agencies can see a complex picture (indeed, EVERY professional who has assessed you has seen a complex picture in which anxiety is added to by home) and just try to do what everyone is suggesting, make up at home for the school deficits for now?

I really can't get too excited about the revelation that the school is being crap. You knew they were crap, that is why you removed your son originally. You sent him back because it was less crap than the second school. But you cannot reasonably have expected them to be less crap.

You have ruled out moving. You can't change schools.

I think your case is unusual in one very specific way. There have been a lot of mothers on here with obstructive schools in denial. But all of them, eventually, have had one or more professionals turn around and agree wholeheartedly that their child is definitely disabled, and that it is NOT mother's issues that is causing the problem. You have not had that. You've had an equivocal report which does not discount the fact that family environment is contributing (although it says that is not the whole story, which is great). Therefore it is actually reasonable for the local professionals to think you are part of the problem, there is NO ONE suggesting otherwise.
You have to accept that and work within the situation. Which I think means stopping fighting and focusing on trying to help your son yourself (and I don't mean by dragging him to extra-curricular activities).

You tried home-ed and didn't like it, I recall. You could always revisit that again.

I'm reading between the lines here and do not know your full story but I cannot help but wonder about your relationship and that it sounds abusive. Maybe not violent, but the power your husband has and what you say certainly rings alarm bells for me. Will you have a look at this Power and Control Wheel please? And also have a look at Scottish Women's Aid and read this download on coercive control

I've read your threads in the past and just felt I had nothing to contribute, but you've had some sound advice from people like BeeMom, lougle and Mareeya about the situation with ds, I just can't help thinking that there is more to your life than we know and it all contributes to the anxiety, and whatever needs your ds has, diagnosed or not, anxiety will always make things worse, for all of us. Women's Aid can help with the legal issues too

and HONK

I have come back to say thanks to everyone for their input on this thread.

I stepped away for a bit, partly because I had bronchitus that wouldnt shift for some weeks, partly because I was feeling supersensitive and thought a break would do me good.

I do not think I am in an abusive marriage.
But I am in a marriage with a partner who 'doesnt cope' very well with family life at all. He struggles to offer support in parenting the children and I often feel like a single parent. He is very very similar to my ds behaviourally and they clash. I am hoping to move and H will remain in his current job so we will only see him at weekends. I feel this might be useful as it would allow me to establish an unchallenged routine during the week and I could begin to judge better whether the weekends were 'working' for the family as a whole or if we really had no choice but to separate.

Of course 'I' am part of the whole scenario. How could it be other by this stage?
I have asked for help/advice ie parenting classes etc and been told 'none available'. I have not asked for help with my anxiety as I feel that would medicalise a normal reaction to the situation I am in and would also give grist to the mill that this is ALL about my anxiety. No help has been offered to the family in as a whole, or me, or ds. So, whereever 'they' think the prob is coming from, there is no official attempt to help. I know this is not unusual, sadly, it just is what it is.

Ds is mostly going into school, the bullying has eased a bit. The rubbish education / teacher is still as bad. I had hoped it would be slightly better, although knew it wouldnt be great, I didnt think we would get ANOTHER really poor teacher. But we have. And it has a disproportionate effect on ds, partly because this is his 5th teacher and only 1 has been great, and partly because he is supersensitive / asd. I am not 'presenting' the school with all the problems but I am keeping a record for myself. This is not somewhere ds can remain for another 4 years without radical change (which will not happen). He is upset on a daily basis about some aspect of school and his achievements keep dropping too. He is not making, or being helped to make, friendships. It is childcare, and poor at that. He struggles to attend out of school clubs. So that leaves walks outside when he can cope with them, or home based things with his younger sister (which can be fractious!). I HAVE to do better for him than thi, his world is so limited.

I spoke to a SaLT recently (friend of a friend type thing). She had practised in a neighbouring area and told me of the poor reputation my area has professionally. She said she refused to locum here after a while as she was so worried that other profs 'made up the rules as they went along' and she would get dragged into it somehow. She has stopped being a SaLT now and become an advocate. I told her the whole story and she looked at ALL the paperwork. She was just stunned and said I should consider a lawyer as she could see at least 2 examples of where she felt the law may have been broken and many examples of unprofessional behaviour. I may pursue this, but only after ds is settled and happy.

More importantly, ds is still really unhappy ( countless examples of poor practice in school which I wont bore you with). There is no potential for help / progress around here, none at all.
I feel now I may HAVE to move, come hell or high water.

What I want to ask for advice on, now, (if you still have patience with me?) is what to say when phoning around potential new schools? Obv ALL the files will come with me, so no point pretending all has been well, but scared that not mentioning it will be an issue too? Just have no confidence left in how to handle it?

I worry that, if I go in and say: query asd etc but actually 'CP family' they will run a mile ???? But if i dont say, they will be when they 'find out'????

what you do is apply as a casual admission. The school records will follow (should be within 15 days under English system). Schools deal with families who have/ have had social services involvement all the time. you want stand out unless you put yourself out there. So don't.
Say nothing at the walk round to see if you like it. At the meeting when he goes to one keep it simple. 'We've had worries/concerns for a while; he's had different assessments, but nothing has been very clear. Perhaps we could schedule a review in three months to see how he is getting on.'
Then just resist all temptation til then.

Ok, thanks.
what's a casual admission?
dont you have to register with a school before you can turn up?
I have phoned a couple of schools and said: anxious/query asd/not getting help locally and had a nervous: 'oh, we're all on the spectrum' type response,, or an outright: 'do you think he is disabled and needs a special school then' and I am not sure how to respond to this without it starting to go down the same unproductive routes again.
There has been NO Ss involvment, btw, just the local pead whose opinion we challenged leading the 'concerned local profs' stampede.
School contacted me y'day to say he is ahead on his reading and barely behind on his spelling now. they wont assess him for maths. we find this hard to believe tbh. Dont see why they would lie though, just seems a bit unbelievably considering he had 1/2 a term H/E which he was hugely uncooperative over and then has had a term with a teacher he is really scared of and who is very old school and who clearly actively dislikes him from the way he treats him.

might be worth me starting a fresh thread about this particular Qu as this thread is a bit old and meandering?

How about just phoning a school and saying 'do you have a place in x year, please?'

If they have a space, they have to take him.

Maybe, but I wonder what you are saying to make a school leap to thinking you want a special school? That's weird.
Locally, and I think, in england, the local authority co-ordinates in year (casual) admissions for maintained schools while academies and free schools do their own.
You just ring and ask to have a look round. I can't remember what the DK report said, but I would be really kind of 'we've had concerns, and a couple of school changes, we've never really got agreement on where his difficulties are, but I'm sure you'll get the paperwork if he comes here. What sort of facilities do you have for those with asd traits, or more vulnerable socially?'

I know they have to take him if there is space but I need to 'check out' the school a bit - ie find out their attitudes - before I send him as I dont want more of the same, iyswim. I dont know how to find out their attitudes without saying too much / the wrong thing?

re special school thing - I think I have not explained well.
I called a school in ayr and asked for advice as the HT was in the paper and seemed to have outstandingly advanced attitudes. she (and I) felt that ds doesnt need a special school.

I called a school over the border which has x2 the rate of statements (for a just above ave rate of sen/sn so seemed 'statement friendly' iyswim). I said he is query asd and they asked me if I felt he needed a special school ( I think they have a unit). I said prob not but they would be best to judge if he went there.

I'm going to start a fresh thread re this as I think the wording is crucial and want lots of advice

I think I am sounding anxious / nervous etc on phone (no surprise really!) which is getting in the way of me getting the info I need.
And, having such mixed dx's (asd and munchausens) makes it rather diff to know what to ask too.

I am scared of imposing a change on him which may not result in better things.
I know the only way to do it is to try I am just scared of it now.

Okay, do your research via the good schools guide and ofsted. All schools have to meet sen requirements, so theoretically he will be looked after wherever he goes. You can only get a feel for a school by looking round, ask a few general sen questions but keep to we have concerns, never reached a general consensus, how would you let me know if you felt he was having difficulties.
Etc.