Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

Pls advise re LEA / FII worries?

(116 Posts)
miemohrs Mon 11-Feb-13 09:00:58

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MareeyaDolores Tue 12-Feb-13 18:36:48

You probably aren't being accused of deliberate, 'proper' FII though. Which is a shame, as its relatively easy to disprove proper child abuse.

This is more like being called a deluded, needy individual who is unable to get on with anyone. One who is so mistrusting of professionals and so convinced of her normal child's illness that she harms him. One who exaggerates every tiny problem, imagines many others, and has made him so anxious that he's at risk of becoming weird, maladjusted, backward, unpopular and ill. One who keeps trying out new professionals till she finds one gullible enough to agree with her.

The big problem in fighting this mindset is that there's a bit of this behaviour in many NT mothers, with NT children, including those whose depression and anxiety means they're at the doctors for every sniffle. And are up at the school for every bit of homework that didn't get a smiley face.

So naturally enough, some professionals are disposed to think that if they see a malfunctioning but apparently healthy child with a difficult-to-get-on-with and obviously anxious mother, she must be inadvertently behaving in this way, and be unreliable in her reports. And that downplaying issues, whilst calming her down is the answer. It probably works ok for over-anxious NT families... but it's counterproductive when the difficulties are due to neurological differences.

MareeyaDolores Tue 12-Feb-13 18:39:40

Btw, I'm not saying you're difficult to get on with in normal circumstances, just observing that many of us here probably are the "oh, no, please not her again" parents.

MareeyaDolores Tue 12-Feb-13 18:51:57

In some ways, (yes i know i live in cloud cuckoo land) it might transform your future meetings if you could actually have this type of detailed "am I nuts or not" discussion openly with the paediatrician.

Even if no agreement was reached, every future issue could then be looked at honestly from the two perspectives. But you'd need someone good there to present 'your side', so it doesn't just feed their worries by degenerating into wrangling, tears and power struggles, and that's probably the main barrier.

MareeyaDolores Tue 12-Feb-13 18:54:28

And I'm not saying you've initiated (or even perpetuated) the hugely malfunctioning parents-professionals relationship, but you might wink be the one with the skills to improve it a bit.

miemohrs Tue 12-Feb-13 20:05:37

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miemohrs Tue 12-Feb-13 20:06:34

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miemohrs Tue 12-Feb-13 20:14:38

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Nigel1 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:14:39

https://www.education.gov.uk/publications/standard/publicationDetail/Page1/DCSF-00277-2008

The above link directs you to the DFE guidance on FII. If you read it through you will see that FII is generally misunderstood, no doubt, courtesy of the Daily Mail, and that what is described within the guidance is generally not what people believe the condition to be. You will note that there are specific issues which constitute the core elements and unless you have acted in that manner it is unlikely that you would be considered as guilty.
Your "guilt" appears to be predicated on the fact that you have changed schools for reasons connected with the provision of your child's education. The last time I looked, that was lawful.
Perhaps a more pertinent point is to establish why you took the actions that you did, what the school did to support you during that time, what the school did to support the child during that time, what support you received from the medical services.
FII is used by many professionals as a club to beat uncooperative parents into submission. Read the guidance then use it to turn tables on the professionals. It is unlikely that they have actually read it

miemohrs Wed 13-Feb-13 11:42:26

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MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 20:54:44

erm... yep, it's likely that dc of 'odd' parents are discriminated against in most schools sad

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 20:56:11

And I wouldn't bother posting if I felt devalued by you having your own thoughts grin

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 21:12:24

The problem with being put in an 'odd' box by school (I say this from my own box grin) is that they freely share that opinion with others. And then, if those others have any difficulties in their professional relationship with you, the temptation is to put it down to your 'oddness' rather than the usual causes.

So the usual factors souring a professional relationship, which could normally be overcome with attention, get neglected instead. Eg honest disagreement about diagnosis or treatment, simple crossed wires, poor communication by professional or parent, someone's bad day, an irrational dislike of the mum.

This is sometimes appropriate, as there are some abusive parents out there in the 'odd' category (and I suspect abusers who come across as non-odd probably never get detected sad). But this mindset can also cause groupthink, scapegoating, getting carried away with child protection fears or excessively watching one's backside. And there are sometimes staff who (consciously or unconsciously) capitalise on this as a way to get the team to collude in minimising a child's inconvenient or expensive needs.

That's the reason I think it's worth struggling to get out of the paediatrician's 'too-odd-to-work-with' box. She hasn't 'seen' the mum that you demonstrate on this board: it might be that she never could, on the other hand, it can't hurt.

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 21:14:34

cos she's probably the only kid-doctor in town, so private school or no, she's in the background until/ unless you move.

'as there are some abusive parents out there in the 'odd' category'

I think that parents who aren't very articulate but have real issues to raise are often accused of (and often are) being abusive, particularly parents who have a disability that make it difficult for them to communicate or apply accepted social rules, but who are also desperately worried about their children, with good cause.

sad

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 21:23:16

Star, you're absolutely right.

The over-simplification of complex problems is bizarre. Eg 'ASD' or 'attachment'.
Why so obsessed with 'OR' that it excludes 'AND', 'MAYBE', and 'FIRST-THEN'?

miemohrs Wed 13-Feb-13 21:57:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TBH I'm a bit lost with the boxes.

I was just mentioning that I'm articulate, socially capable, bright (I think so anyway) and have been treated in ways that the average person, even the average professional would not believe. It has affected now the WAY I communicate with professionals, my personality, my level of defensiveness and paranoia over little things and, at least whilst it was going on, increased higely my level of anxiety.

But it still happened. Some people are stronger and handle it better when faced with what I did. I imagine, given the vulnerable nature of our core group generally, most fall apart/become abusive/have anxiety levels that prevent them from caring from their children/develop mental health issues, - then justifying the screwing over they get.

This is a general comment and not directed at you.

However, I'd be surprised if your own experiences and feelings weren't now a part of the mix and mess. They were for me.

miemohrs Wed 13-Feb-13 22:20:54

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bochead Wed 13-Feb-13 22:45:15

I live in an area with a useless PCT. I've come across a couple of parents, who are now on prescribed anti-depressants as a direct result of all the stress of being actively undermined by the very professionals that are supposed to support familes like ours. Due to my own limited opportunities to socialise, I suspect they are merely the tip of the iceberg and that many parents do crack up.

My own trust in human nature has suffered irreparable damage sadly. There's no way I could have dealt with being treated like that for a couple of decades and retained my mental health. If we go under, then it really is "game over" for our children. Much as I'd love to deny them the satisfaction, I'm not sure how much even the robust human being can be expected to take before breaking.

If you change schools but stay living in that locale, then I'm worried that you'll have to deal with this nonsense for at least a decade to come. You may be a lot stronger than I am though (I hope so!).

I've suggested how I think you should handle the meeting. I think it's the best approach to take that allows you to both put advocate for your child, without succumbing to the stress, given that you know your nemisis will be in attendance.

lougle Wed 13-Feb-13 22:47:32

It does affect us, doesn't it? But we can't let that affect stop us from doing what we need to do.

I was fortunate enough to discuss DD2 with a S&L therapist at DD1's school today, briefly. I explained that previous school have no concerns, that Paed was disinclined to refer because 'minor grammatical errors are fine at this age', and from the few examples I had already given, the SALT said 'wait...these aren't grammar issues - they're inference, understanding, there's lots of interesting things going on that definitely need looking at.'

Now, on one hand, I've had two S&Ls tell me DD2 has something going on, from my reports of her phrases, etc. On the other hand, I don't want to rock the boat with new school. But, I'm going to have to put my neck out and do something, because I can't sit on the advice of two SALTs and sacrifice DD2 for the sake of protecting myself.

So, I have to pick my moment, and do it with care, but I have to do it.

DD2 was tired at dinner time and wanted me to feed her. I said 'look...you take two mouthfuls, then I'll feed you two.' She cocked her head and said 'Mummy...that's a repeating pattern!!!! Two mouthfuls, two mouthfuls. Two mouthfuls, two mouthfuls. Two mouthfuls, two mouthfuls......'

It's not going to go away...any of it! We can do something, or not...but there it will be.

miemohrs Thu 14-Feb-13 12:31:02

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miemohrs Thu 14-Feb-13 16:06:06

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bochead Thu 14-Feb-13 17:10:51

Wots she got to do wiv anyfing now he's no longer her pupil guv? She's irrelevant, (though it could be said that her mere presence is perhaps evidence that someone is running a bit scared behind the scenes as it smacks of desperation to have her popping up at this stage?).

Time to put your mental blinkers on and just get thru the meeting. You have a clear plan on how to handle it, so just don't be thrown off course. Just concentrate on doing what you need to do, and let them faff around. Knowing you are in the right helps considerably in these situations methinks wink.

pm me & I'll happily read it for you.

miemohrs Thu 14-Feb-13 17:25:47

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miemohrs Thu 14-Feb-13 18:59:28

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