help with nephew

[valiant]

Hi ,I know there a lot of knowledgeable mums out there and I wanted some advice. My nephew (on dh side) is a little odd.He is nearly 4 and doesn't speak just makes high pitched noises. He has had a few tests(apparentely) and hasn't been diagnosed with anything. Although we have been told he isn't allowed Smarties because of the E-numbers so am unsure if there isn't something we haven't been told.

He is quite a happy boy but does have very bad tantrums and can be quite aggresive.
He is also very vacant at times and when my dd is around him(2.4) you would think she were the older in terms of manners and social skills.(not because she is ahead he is behind IYSWIM).

Anyway I was just wondering if anyone had some advice for his Grandmother to help him as mother is a bit useless

thanks

[valiant]

no school yet...he goes to playgroup only recently though becuase he is only just out of nappies. not sure if he is getting help as relationship with SIL notgood. She says he had speech therapy once and they said he was ok..I have never heard him say a ditinguisable word).

[LIZS]

fish oils ?

[MeerkatsUnite]

Do you think he has seen a developmental paediatrician to date?.

Do you yourself think he could be somewhere on the ASD spectrum?.

Think the thang about Smarties is only part of it and you're not being told the full story. Perhaps SIL has a degree of fear/shame re her son because she knows there is something amiss.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

valiant kids with sn are not all the same
if you really want to help your nephew I suggest you start patching up whatever diffulculties you have with sil
I know this sometimes cant be easy but neither is sn so clearcut

your sil maybe a bit useless in your opinion
but as a mother of a child with sn and no dx
i fell pretty useless too
it is hard when you dont know and what to do what is best for your child when you dont know what is wrong

please dont take this post offensively as it is not meant to be
but maybe your sil could be suffering from a bit of depression and maybe needs some support
hope you all get it sorted
xxx

[valiant]

dsc-thanks for your post no offence taken..difficulties are not actually with me but dh as it is his sister. good point about depression as she has another baby and I think does feel upset about the whole thing.I am a very practical person and would want to get diagnosis so I could begin to understand the boy.I think help has been offered from docs but she doesnt chase it up and misses appointmnets. From what I have read I think it may be Aspergers,Bbut also am inclined to think he just needs some time and attention.

[LIZS]

Agree with dsc. It is one thing to think yourself there may be a problem but another altogether to accept it from others and pursue assessments, appoitnments and help offered. Try not to be too hard on her. Perhaps your mil, or even you, could offer some practical support to enable her to attend appointments, perhaps by looking after the baby while she takes ds to an assessment. She may well be finding it hard to focus on her ds and summon up the energy to chase it along, with the demands of a baby too.

fwiw ds used to react behaviourally to milk chocolate and sweets like Smarties when he was younger, so it is a fairly obvious thing to cut down on.

[SqueakyCat]

Many parents of children with SN / development difficulties choose not to tell anyone until we are more 'comfortable' with the condition and situation. My DS is going through assessment, and we have told my parents, but not my sister, with whom I am close, and hardly anyone else. It can take ages (years) to get a diagnosis, if you ever do. It takes at least 6mo to get therapy (for us, raising concern to initial SALT took 5 mo, and that was quick). Similar process times for assessment.

From what you say, it sounds as if there is more that you're not being told, and I think it's quite reasonable for your SIL to choose not to tell you and your DH something that (a) quite understandably upsets her, and (b) she doesn't yet know what the outcome is.

If you and / or your MIL want to help him, then be kind and supportive family, there's probably notheing specific you could do at this stage, that would be different to normal supportive family relationships. Be understanding - I've had times of not enough sleep, too much to do, distress and stress, added to the difficulty of having a challenging child and a baby, and the result is that I've been unpleasant, annoying, snappy, unreasonable etc So I would really appreciate people cutting me some slack and continuing to be friendly even if my behaviour left soemthingt o be desired.

Depending on your relationship and how it would be taken, you could take your nephew out for the afternoon with your DD / offer to mind her baby / just be an 'active auntie'. Build a supportive and non-judgemental relationship from there.
Don't let your 'he needs more attention' attitude comes across (even if that's only partially what you think).

Just what I think, anyway.

[valiant]

thank you for your advice sc and liz. I have learnt something today,that it is possible that she actually has got more information that she has given the family but doesn't wnat to tell us. thnak you

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

valiant glad you havent taken offence:)

as for the not giving anyone any info
other posters are correct

usually we as parents are given the worse possible scenario from the professionals viewpoint and we have to build from that

other times we are given the positive scenario
so as parents we are mudddled and jumbled
not knowing what to expect ourselves
so we dont want to burden our families with the not knowing iykwim

there are still some aspects of my ds2 condition and outlook that i have not told my family as i would not like them to know
not for the fear of keeping something away from them
but because it might hurt them iykwim

like other posters be there for sil and niece and nephew as an "auntie"
hugs
xxx

[LIZS]

Also once you eventually do acknowledge the issues yourselves and learn more about your child , it can be frustrating to tell family and friends only for them to deny and contradict it all ! I still don't think our families really understand what ds' problems are (and we equally have no proper diagnosis) so it is almost easier not to involve them .

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

very true lizs