In laws appear not to want to recognise diagnoisis for DS.

[lars]

My inlaws appear to be blanking the fact that ds has a proper diagnoisis now of ASD. They seem to believe that he was just naughty and a bit odd in his behaviours, like routine, bad tantrums,etc. BTW he never kissing them good bye or say's hello, that's because he is shy they say.

We stayed at inlaws over xmas and this was just horrendous for us all. As ds wants his breakfast as soon as he wakes up, because it's routine and gets frustrated if this is changed in anyway.Father in law then had a massive argument with ds. It was awful!

Since ds diagnoisis they have not made any comment or offer any help or support. They appear to blank it and not say anything. My family on the otherhand, knew there was something wrong and sort of knew it was ASD.
My mother in law seems to think, children have a certain look about them if something not right. Because there are no physical signs with ds they appear to ignore the fact and think ds is just immature for his age. Is this common for families to ignore the diagnoisis? larsxx

[Milge]

I have the same thing with my parents. They have always said that dd is going through a "phase" and she'll come out of it. I have now given up telling them about her progress etc, because i know that they prefer to live in their own fantasy land and I don't want to burden them with reality. It took me a while to cope with this,but i have got there. Sorry not to be any help, just you have my sympathy.

[PeachyClair]

Hi

My MIL is exactly the same I am afraid, i ahev had to stop cisiting becasue of her treatment of DS who mutates between 'bright and misunderstood;' and 'deviant' in her books.

FIL is great, he left her last year and I think this may have been a factor in his- erm- shopping around partner wise, iyswim.

I'm sorry there's not an awful lot you can do ime, except keep treating it as if you hadn't realised they don't accept the dx. We keep saying 'h that's because of X which is common in all kids on the autistic spectrum'.

I hope you have more luck than us, it may just take them time.

XXX

[mrspitt]

I think it's a generation thing. My MIL just says ds is a problem child but doesn't grasp anything when i try to explain to her. So i don't tell her much anymore.

[coppertop]

Ds1 got his dx 2 years ago and still no-one has ever really mentioned it. I lent them books and videos but still nothing changed. I don't know what the answer is, I'm afraid.

[lars]

mrspitt, that's how I am getting i don't want to tell them anything anymore. I feel I've been let down really. Like I said at xmas it was awful FIL was more worried about what his visitors thought of him. I left the house in tears and was so upset, Infact the visitors were more understanding. Husband said that we were to go home otherwise he could see himself getting into a massive row with his parents. larsxx

[PeachyClair]

It was Chrsitmas it kicked off with MIL too Lars. Dh has only phoned her once since, last week for her birthday. She hasn't called us either mind.

I've never had anything but an appaling relationship with her, but I had always tried to maintain DH's relationship with her, and build one with my ds's. We're not doing that any more, DS comes first and if she can't take him as he is then she can't take any of us, full stop.

[lars]

Peachclair, it's so awful when there is a lack of support or understanding. larsxx

[emmalou78]

Lars,
You have my every sympathy. Family wise, we don't get a great deal of support, I could hijack your thread with a long rant, lets just say that whilst my family accept ds2 is autistic, they don't understand it, they don't even try too! and they don't do things as I have told them too.. the poor boy ends up a stimming near overloaded wreck everytime we see them...
The in laws try and understand, they are very accomodating, they even have a drink symbol on ther fridge for him, and know a few signs, they wantot do all they can to help him, and have offered taht once he's been acclimatised ot it, that they would lookafter him and his brother for a few hours every so often so dp and I can getout on our own! this prospect terrifys my, since ds1 [nt] was born in 2000 we've been out once...

anywya I wasn't going to hijack. oops :o

emma x

[lars]

Emma, It seems to be a very common problem then. I just thought that familes were supposed to very supportive in time like these. I have found it a very upsetting experince to know that my in laws are not even trying to understand ds's problems. larsxx

[wannaBe1974]

I think that family fall into one of two categories when in denial of a disability. They are either of the type that believe that "It happens to other people", or they have a fear of the unknown. I think that especially with older generations, ignorance often comes through lack of information. It's only recently that disability awareness has been as hightened as it is now, in previous generations, it wasn't uncommon for people with severe disabilities (especially mental disabilities or disabilities that meant a person had a deformaty) were hidden away and not talked about. And this previous culture has led to huge ignorance among the older generations.

When I was diagnosed as being blind we were not living in this country but in Africa, and my mum wrote to the family to tell them, my nan on my dad's side refused to discuss it, absolutely never mentioned it. And yet she treated me as if I not only had a visual impairment, but as if I also had the mental age of a 3 year old. Mercifully I didn't have much to do with her as I spent the vast majority of my life in South Africa, but I remember having a massive argument with her when we came home about me potentially living on my own. She basically told me not to be so stupid - that I could never be independent and that I would just have to accept that. Suffice to say I took no notice what so ever and now that I live happily with my DH and my 3 year old DS, she's had to eat her words, although she'd never say it to my face. Hmmm and the family wonder why I don't bother to visit.

Sorry didn't mean to highjack, think the most important thing to do is to just treat your DS as you would treat him, if your Fil can't accept him the way he is then maybe you shouldn't visit as often, it's your fil's loss.

[LizLocket]

I wouldn't say either of our families have reacted as I would have hoped. First of all both sides thought we were being a bit neurotic worrying about DS and didn't like to be proved wrong when we got a diagnosis. My mum still keeps saying things like 'well he's not properly autistic is he' or 'he's still got all his lemon drops' as if that makes any odd - he's autistic, not thick!. She doesn't understand but doesn't want to listen long enough to try to understand. If I start talking about SNs things like statementing or use the 'A' word she switches off and changes the subject, does appear interested in his SNs, think it's more denial and not knowing how to handle it that not caring though

ILs were initially better, can talk about autism with them without them shutting down. However they can be quite heavyhanded and authoritarian in the way they manage DS and don't really listen to us when we try to explain the best way to manage things. My FIL in particular has a real problem ignoring behaviours we are trying to phase out and tends to hype up and overload an overexcitable sensxory overloaded little boy. I think they think that ASD is an 'excuse' too. Was talking about a forthcoming fmaily wedding and saying DS might find it hard when MIL chirped up that other people there had offspring who were very naughty as small children so no-one should mind. She was trying to make me feel better but I was quite hurt left wondering if she just saw DS as a badly behaved child :( Felt like saying he's not naughty, he's autistic. They too are in some form of denial, keep saying 'but he's bright' or 'he'll outgrow it' and we get sent evey newspaper clipping about every crank cure going with the suggestion that if we tried it it might 'fix' my son.

Families eh?!

Lx

[tobysmumkent]

Lars - I'm sorry, haven't got a solution for you either. But I remember when our DS2 got his DX someone said to me that it's not just parents that have to rethink everything, but grandparents suddenly haven't got the grandchild that they thought they would have and have the sense of loss/confusion and if they don't see DS that often, it's suddenly a massive unknown quantity! Add to that the stigma that was attached to these conditions when they were younger.

My IL's are great, but do frequently come out with comments along the "he's not going to be all that autistic...." when DS does something "clever". Comments that sometimes infuriate me (he's always going to be autistic, with every type of problem that entails!), but I know it's how they're keeping themselves positive. And they have always been brilliant with DS2 so this isn't a complaint, just that every situation has some tricky bits....

I think it's very common for some people to always struggle to come to terms with disabilities/conditions and what they mean. I also think it's very common for family that don't live with the difficulties all day every day to find it very hard to accept and understand fully. And I think that time can help (but have friends where it's literally been years!).

In the meantime, adopt a "catchphrase" and use it like a mantra whenever you're with them, along the lines of "DS isn't being shy/naughty. He finds x difficult, it's part of his ASD". And say it as calmly as you can!!!! Might not solve anything, but backs up your DS! Which hopefully might make you feel a bit better!!!

[Lillypond]

I haven't got round to telling my in-laws about DS's DX - actually I never even told them that he'd been referred to a Paed. MIL can be quite ignorant so I don't think she'd be very supportive. She knows he has developmental delay though and does say stupid things that upset me. She's a dinner lady and asked me recently if DS would be eating with a knife and fork by the time he started full time school. I said that I didn't think so as he hasn't really mastered using a spoon yet, and she said 'But the other kids will laugh at him'. Very helpful

Of the people we have told I've been quite surprised by their reactions. My best friend asked me when did I think the DX would be removed and has been really dismissive about it all. My mum (who I thought wouldn't believe it) has been quite good. A bit insensitive at times but sometimes I think that's better than banging your head up against a brick wall with someone who won't accept the truth.

[JakB]

Lars, this is very common, I think. I've had a terrible time with my in-laws who are only just starting to come to terms with it all. DD was diagnosed nearly three years ago and they are only just starting to accept her difficulties and understand them. I've been really angry with them about it but realised that it's really hard for them too. My father-in-law, in particular, has been really difficult. He sound very much like yours- explaining 'different' behaviour away. DD puts her hands in her mouth all the time- she's teething. She's not talking- she just needs to get to school full-time, they all develop at different rates. And so on... He also plays havoc with DD's routines by bringing her down for breakfast before it's ready and expecting her to wait and so on. But it is getting better. Father in law still won't talk about it but mother in lawa starting to and I actually had a good conversation with her last week. She said, 'When DD goes to school full time in September the speech will come, we hope." So I very gently explained DD's difficulties and how communication was what we were aiming for (she's using PECS). It seemed to go in. What I've found is that I've wasted so much energy being angry with them for not understanding but it's wasted energy and they will come to terms with things in their own time.

[misdee]

my MIL refuses to accept that dd2 may be somewhere on the spectrum. totally against the idea. i just say 'leave it to the experts, see what they say'.

i am hoping that once we have a dx in place, MIL may come round to the idea and try some stragerties but i somehow doubt it weil lhappen.

[lars]

Lizlocket, your FIL sounds very similar to mine.

Ds is compared to my daughter and my husband's sister boy. DS is treated as naughty and to be honest we don't visit very much now. They don't ring as much or even asked the kids to come and visit.

I feel very disappointed with the lack of support and feel angry with their responses.
FIL feels lack of discipline has caused this, but my daughter is well behaved. So how do they answer that one, ds also has a speech delay his words are not always clear and ds can be misunderstood, was it not obvious to him that something was wrong?
FIL said when ds was excluded in his old school that I should shut him in a room all day as punishment.

I feel that my inlaws are embarrassed about him and are disappointed as he is the only one that keeps on the family name. larsxx

[Pixel]

Luckily for me my mum also has an nt step-grandson who is the child from hell. In comparison she thinks my ds is an angel

Actually, my family have been ok because we were all running a pub and living together for the first 4.1/2 yrs of ds's life so they were there for every stage of realising there was a problem and getting a dx. Doesn't mean I haven't heard my mum tell people that ds is "a little bit autistic" though!

My dad finds it difficult I think. He doesn't really understand ds and would never dream of offering to take him out or anything. However, he is quite willing to babysit. For christmas and birthdays he buys him expensive but completely pointless presents so means well but hasn't a clue!