Already getting the 'rod for your own back' comments re sleeping/feeding etc...

[caspercat]

DS 11 days old. Have 2.6 yr old DD - struggled with her feeding/sleeping so much in early days i ended up with v bad PND. Therefore decided to try to be much more relaxed with DS - we're co-sleeping so we all get some kip. BF on demand. MIL & DF already saying we'll regret all this. I know we'll prob have to do some kind of sleep training eventually, and we'd like him in his cot by about 12 wks, but at the mo just enjoying not feeling horrendously sleep deprived & not dreading the nights. Esp as have toddler to look after too, need to be semi-conscious!
Anyway, as well looking for some kind of moral support that it is possible to end up with a good self-soother/sleeper despite feeding to sleep & co-sleeping in early days, was also hoping someone could advise me on what age these teeny babies start to spend a little more time awake in the day, so i can help him tell day from night. i already do the sleeping with noise/light in day & dark/quiet at night. He still spends most of the daytime sleeping & i don't want that to turn into spending most of the night awake!
Someone please tell me to stop fretting & enjoy the baby days while he's still tiny before i woryy myself into PND again. Ta xx

[moondog]

FGS,he's ELEVEN days old!!!

Tell them to fuck off and leave you alone.

It's insane this pervasive beleif that tiny tiny babies need to be constrained and controlled like circus animals.

I'd really consider asking them not to drop by if they are making you feel so bad and unhapy.Can your dh not deal with them?

[differentnameforthis]

He will still sleep for a huge part of the day & night as he is still so young! It is quite normal for him to sleep lots...enjoy the time with your dd when he sleeps, or sleep yourself if dd still has a nap.

You are not creating any problems re sleep, he is too tiny to really know what is happening, all he cares about is food & sleep & being near you.

Your last sentance is spot on! Stop fretting, stop listening to well meant, so called 'advice' & enjoy your baby!

[Niecie]

You are doing exactly the right thing - if it works for you carry and ignore them. They aren't the ones who have to get up at night.

Don't worry too much about the day/night thing. You sound like you are already doing the basics which is treating day and night feeding and sleeping differently.

DS1 was a nightmare. I think I tried to hard but they are all different so who knows. But on the other hand DS2 was a lot easier and he did learn to go to sleep by himself quite quickly largely because, with a big brother about, sometimes I had to put him down in his moses basket/cot and leave him to it. I fed them both to sleep and they both learned to self settle sooner or later.

It is too soon to worry about all that though soo stop fretting and enjoy the baby days while he is still tiny!!!

Congratulations on your new son by the way

[Becky77]

Don't even start worrying about anything until he's 12 weeks old. Just let him sleep on you in the day and next to you at night and enjoy it... I wish I could get my little one to fall asleep on me now

[babyphat]

i think it's after the first 3 or 4 weeks that they sort out the day/night thing and if you're lucky, have the longer sleeps at night. i'm a (mostly) happy co-sleeper with 6 month dd, but from what i've read, even if your aim is to get them into a cot, co-sleeping till 3 or 4 months shouldn't be a problem as they are too young to form 'habits'.

[DeeBlindMice]

You are an experienced mother making informed choices about how to look after your newborn.

Is there anyway your DH could politely, but firmly, make it known that you will make and use whatever rods you please for your own back and that caring grannies should please butt out?

[mrsbabookaloo]

Good lord: I'm very pro-routine, but 11 days old! There's no such thing as making a rod for your own back at this stage, it's just doing what it takes to get baby fed and get some sleep.

Nothing that's done can't be undone, changed, or manipulated to suit you better at a later stage...3 months earliest i would say, and even if you're still in so-called "bad" habits at 6 months, there's still plenty of time to get into a better day-time and night-time routine.

I tied myself in knots with all this stuff with dd1, and when dd2 arrives in June, I won't worry at all for the first 3 months.

WRT sleeping in the day, it'll definitely be another couple of weeks before he's more awake, and then after that, will still need a sleep after every couple of hours of being awake until 6 months, IMHO.

Hope this helps.

[caspercat]

Thanks all. Esp moondog, i appreciate your bluntness. DH back at work already, so not around to hear their views! I've been told by friends that 2nd babies tend to self settle earlier just cos they tend not to get jumped on so quickly for the slightest snuffle/movement etc d/t seeing to older kiddy 1st, so been kind of banking on that helping us out in the future. He already tends to nod off on bathroom floor, beanbag etc while i'm getting DD dressed. He's so far a really easy, contented quiet little thing (complete opposite to poor DD) & i feel family putting pressure on me when i was quite happy with things before they stuck their oars in .
To be fair, i just think they're all so worried about me getting PND again they're just being over protective.
But thanks again, you've put my mind at rest

[cyteen]

Congratulations on your son

Maybe just kindly but firmly thank your MIL and DF for all their concern re. your mental health, and suggest that the best way for them to help you would be to keep their fucking traps shut and let you get on with raising your child.

Or a nicer version of that Honestly, what on earth makes such people think their views are wanted or needed at this stage? Just enjoy your baby and sod everyone else.

(FWIW my son spent many of his first weeks being carried around in sling/in bed with us/cuddled to sleep/fed to sleep blah blah blah; he's now 6 months old and sleeps quite happily in his cot )

[LtEveDallas]

You know, I LIKE the rod I made for my own back. I think it's probably pink and sparkly (like dd). I co-slept, BF on demand and BF to sleep - and got all the same comments.

For about 3 weeks after DD came home from SCBU I tried and tried to get her to sleep in her cot. She wouldn't, just wouldn't. I was tired, DD was tired. DH was even more grumpy than usual. It was almost the end of us and very nearly the end of me.

The one night I fell asleep while BFing....and woke up 5 hours later as DD was trying to latch herself back on (was like a snuffling piglet lol). Helped her on, fell asleep again and woke up with a start about an hour later.

It was the turning point for me (and DH). We moved the cot next to the bed and took the side off. The next night I didn't even try to put her in it, she slept inbetween us (she was cradled by me and DH asked for a rolled up towel between them, but eventually he disposed of that). We had the best sleep ever that night.

As she got older I was able to roll over after feeding her and put her in the cot with my hand against her.

We had no problems moving her cot into her own room when she was about 8 months, but she still spent more time with us than in it.

She got a big girls bed at 2, slept with us less then (think it was because she had a choice, she wasnt hemmed in by bars so could walk through whenever she wanted).

She is now almost 4 and still sometimes will crawl in with us, she likes the cuddles, but quite often will go back to her own bed because she get too hot with us (and DH snores!). You know what, I miss her

Rejoice in your rod, say something inane like "A rod, oh yes, isn't it great". If you keep doing it, eventually they will get bored (of no reaction).

[lovelymama]

what a lovely message LtEveDallas. That sounds like a lovely sleeping arrangement. Co-sleeping doesn't work for us because I just need my own space and DS likes his own space too but if it works for you caspercat, just love every minute of it and ignore anyone who tells you it's going to cause problems in the future.

i wish i hadn't worried so much about 'creating a rod for my back' when DS was little and just relaxed and gone with what felt right. if i'm lucky enough to get a DC2 i'm going to be so much more chilled and just do what's necessary to create a happy baby

[MmeLindt]

Caspercat
Congratulations on the birth of your wee DS. We had about the same age gap and or wee lad was such a contented wee thing, like yours he would nod off anywhere. You are doing the right thing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have plenty of time to think about sleeping through the night and putting him in his cot. Enjoy the lovely first couple of months and ignore any well-meaning comments.

[hijack]
LtEve
I love the JD Robb books too

[Habbibu]

Caspercat - my mum worked in residential nursery care for years, and had 50 years experience of small children and babies. She's also no soft touch. When dd was born I fretted about feeding to sleep, blah blah, and she said "She's warm, she's cosy, she's got a nice full tummy and she's having a lovely cuddle. She's supposed to fall asleep". She picked her up when she cried, cuddled her to sleep, and when I mentioned books, smiled and said "STOP LOOKING AT THE BOOKS".

Boy, was she right. DD wasn't a great sleeper for a while - teeth, blah blah, BUT - she settles well, eats well, is independent, happy and loving, and I got to relax and enjoy her baby days without worrying. And it was LOVELY!

Stop fretting, enjoy the baby days or I'll send my mum round to 'ave a word.

[Jojay]

Congratulations on your lovely boy.

If it makes you feel better, I co-slept with DS2 and fed to sleep etc in the early days - much more relaxing for all of us. He wasn't the easiest baby then and it meant we all got some rest.

By about 10 wks though, he turned a corner and I could put him down, swaddled, awake and with a dummy and he'd go off to sleep on his own ( mostly). Now he's 17 wks and he's dropped the dummy and puts himself to sleep 90% of the time. Looking back at the baby he was a couple of months ago, I'd never have thought this possible.

What I'm trying to say is, go with the flow. It won't last for ever and you may well find he sorts himself out - no need for controlled crying or anything scary. They change so much so quickly and if it's working for you now, then carry on.

'You are an experienced mother making informed choices about how to look after your newborn.'

Great answer, DBM

[SnowlightMcKenzie]

Hi caspercat. Many forms of depression come from a unrealistic understanding of what you should be doing/achieving and your inability to live up to that.

Sleep training and the forcing of a routine onto a baby so young will have you going round in circles as their needs change almost on an hourly basis and just when you think you are getting somewhere you are back to square one. Unless you are completely unable to function without routine, the LEAST stressful and kindest way of handling a newborn, for the mother and the baby is to do whatever it is you need to do to maximise sleep and 'survive' this exhausting period.

I worry about your 12 week deadline because if it doesn't work then what? You feel a failure, you run yourself ragged trying to force the issue, trying different 'techniques' etc. (all which may or may not work for a bit until hings change) you feel like you're not a very good parent etc etc.

Baby Starlight is in her own cot next to the bed, with the side down now. She was in bed with us for the first few weeks but I inched her away and moved towards her for feeds instead of the other way round. It seems to be working for us. I have a toddler too.

Good luck.

[caspercat]

hi all. excuse 1 finger typing, b feeding at the mo. all your replies have made me feel so much better, given me the confidence to carry on. and thanks for all the lovely congratulations too. and snowlight, i haven't set a strict 12wk deadline for ds to be in cot, is just a loose time we're aiming for that we're flexible with, but i get your gist.
looking forward to my lovely cuddly night now xxxx

[SnowlightMcKenzie]

caspercat Of course it is good to have aims. You need to know these things have a limited timespan or else you'd go insane.

I wish I'd coslept with DS now.

[vicbob30]

congrats on arrival of dc...my dd is ten weeks and i have driven myself mad with books and advice but in the end what i have learned is that you just need to parent the way you want to and sod everyone else...i was getting to the point of not having cuddle time with my daughter in case she got dependant on me...madness!!! they are only little once so do things the way you want to and just enjoy every minute!

[minouminou]

Rod for your own back? Is that the same rod they have up their a*s?
This is how I'm doing it/This works for us/This is what I'm doing.
And repeat.

[Pinkglow]

DS is four months old and goes down awake in his cot and self settles

But in the early days I co-sleep and loved it. I got loads more sleep in what is already a stressful time with the lack of sleep. Even when I did move him into his cot (at about 3 weeks) I still cuddled him to sleep until he was 2 months old then over the space of a month I got him used to going down on his own (no crying involved)

Babies are very adaptable and you cant enforce bad habits at this stage.

Just remember if it works and it gets you through the night then its the right thing to do.

[LuluLulabelle]

I got the exact same comments when DD was born 6 weeks ago. One friend even suggested that DD was "trying it on" when she cried in her moses basket. She said "they know what they're doing". I was gutted. If I picked her up when she cried MIL/friends told me off. It broke my heart. They said, feed her and they put her down. I thought "I've carried her for 9mths, now I just feed her and change her. When can I cuddle her?".

So I bought tonnes of books about baby routines and stressed myself out to the point of tears trying to get her to sleep alone, to put her down awake and not let her fall asleep on the boob. It was horrible, I was ignoring all my instincts.

The turning point for me was in bed with DH in the early hours of one morning after I'd fed DD for the billionth time and she wouldn't settle in her basket - only on me. I was crying and DH just said "I don't understand why you're upset". He didn't cuddle me, he just left me to cry. I felt really alone and I thought if I need to be cuddled when I cry and I'm 30 then my 2 week old DD definately does.

I abandoned the books and did what felt right to me. I haven't co-slept (our mattress is too soft) but I don't leave her to cry, feed her when she wants and if she falls asleep on the boob or just wants it for comfort thats fine too.

She now settles herself to sleep at night in her moses basket and sleeps for upto 5 hours at a time. She hardly ever cries - nor do I now!

Congratulations on the birth of your DS, you're his mum and will always know better than them x

[boolean]

I wish the phrase "making a rod for your own back" could be banned!

Congrats on your lovely baby, hope you are relaxing and enjoying him. And next time someone starts using that dread phrase, just laugh and say 'how old-fashioned are you?!'

[poshsinglemum]

I cannot believe the utter bollocks that people spout on about getting new born babies into routines and what seems like an inhumane belief in not hugging. No wonder the British are so repressed! I was told by a midwife in hospital not to hug my baby as she would cry whenever I left the room. Needless to say I ignored her - I meamn WTF!
Also this notion that newborna are manipulative. They have needs like all of us and need to ''manipulate'' us in ordre for their survival.

Ignore your family and do what you want. After all their advice is a little erm out of date. Just smile and say things like - things have moved on etc etc.

I co- sleep because i'd miss dd if she went in her own room- that is my issue but so what. enjoy your baby.

[poshsinglemum]

PS_ I'm not anti - routine but I don't believe that a newborn is capable of forming bad habits and any routine should suit you and your baby rather than creating stress.

[CherryChoc]

Oh caspercat, if you want to read something wonderfully reassuring (and I found it really interesting as well - it has a whole chapter each on breastfeeding, and preventing cot death) read Three In A Bed by Deborah Jackson.