DS 13 - Bright, lazy, losing confidence - how to help him with attitude to school

[pollycazalet]

Posted this in teens but this might be better.

DS is just coming to the end of year 8. He's always been fairly bright, top set in some subjects, but is pretty lazy and his default is the bare minimum.

He's doing ok but has slipped a bit in some subjects. I am not sure how much effort he makes in the classroom and I definitely got feedback at the last parents evening that he had slipped in some subjects due to lack of attention/ application. He's recently described himself a couple of times as 'stupid' so his confidence has been knocked.

My question is, what is the best way to deal with this. I am obviously concerned that he reaches his full potential at school but also don't want the next three years to be a battleground of me nagging him about school. I do pull him up when I see sloppy homework but I don't monitor every bit he does. He needs to develop a better attitude to school and I am not sure how to help him do this.

Any advice?

[JWIM]

OP I could have written the same about my DS!

We have spoken many times about the 'bare minimum' - sometimes he gets it, sometimes not. Following recent Parents' evening feedback DS and I have discussed what needs to happen next and he is on 'Report' in one department where he has fallen well behind and I have more e-mail contact now with several teachers.

At this stage I am still taking the view that I need to 'encourage, cajole and 'wield the stick'' as appropriate so that by the time he finally 'gets it' (I so hope) he will not have fallen by the academic wayside.

[pollycazalet]

Thanks jwim - it's v frustrating isn't it? I have been trying to get him to take more responsibility for his work and so have tried to find a balance between being on his case and almost letting him get things wrong so he learns.

But wonder if I have backed off too much.

Would be interested to hear how much others supervise and generally get involved in school work at this age.

[JWIM]

If it's any consolation we have 'the dance' where I remind then back off, then go 'ape' when nothing gets done, DS rants back, occasional tears from DS (so he is still young at times) then he knuckles down and produces a reasonable effort. We discuss having once again done 'the dance'! Sometimes we can avoid if I state early on at the 'remind' step that I would prefer not to dance but the decision is up to DS.

Sorry if that is a bit of a ramble. Currently doing some challenging work of my own whilst DS sitting at the kitchen table with me getting on with homework and DD (4 GCSE papers to go) applying for weekend/summer jobs. Stressed me?

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I am also trying to tread that fine line with DS1 (Y8) and his schoolwork, especially revision for tests.

If I do the helicopter / tiger mum routine, he (rightly) feels controlled and resents it.

If I back off completely, he doesn't know where to start, feels overwhelmed by the amount he has to learn, and gives up.

This summer I tried to find a half-way position of helping him work out what he needed to learn, helping him find revision materials & techniques and then letting him do the actual revision himself.

Results not back yet...

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

We have had this (DS now year 9).

Maths homework is online (MyMaths) so every now and then I ask him to show me his results. We then go through all the low marks and I make him redo these (low mark normally a result of cba attitude rather than not understanding). This also gives me the opportunity to help him with how he approaches questions.

We are emphasising to DS that a general cba attitude on his part affects how his teachers view him. If he wants to be in the higher tier sets for next year (when GCSEs will start) then he needs to pull his finger out.

It is slowly working.

[pollycazalet]

Revision for tests ,sigh.

I did point out at parents evening that perhaps they had no idea in year 8 HOW to revise and that some tactics and tips might help.

Thanks for your responses - it is helpful to know that I'm not alone.

Worrysigh - that's a useful observation about teachers' perception of your DS and whether he wants to stay in the higher sets.

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

I sympathise, am also having problems with DS same age. am not sure how you get them motivated but would be interested in any useful info that anyone has on how to develop effective self-study skills.

We were never really taught how to organise ourselves at school and I don't think my DS has a clue.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

Update: DS1 did badly in Geography but really well in everything else. Results were better than I was expecting!

He actually thanked me for my help.

I managed not to faint or gloat.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

softyoniwarmyoni: it depends on what learning style works for them. DS1 is quite a visual learner, so mind-mapping seems to work.

He has a booklet called 'Prof. Gunning's Erudite Course of Fact Retrieval' by CGP which covers the basics of planning what you need to learn, making sure you understand it, actually revising it, and then testing yourself.

[HollyBerryBush]

Year 8 is an odd year. It's sort of so non descript; children go from the excitement and enthusiasm of being the new school babies (Y7) and are waiting to become the older ones in KS3 (Y9) before the real hard work of GCSEs kicks in in Y10 and Y11.

Y8, it really is just a bit of a non event.