Son just won't study

(15 Posts)

"DH who harrasses him constantly"

I wonder if this may be part of the issue.

Datun Thu 11-Apr-13 15:08:09

My ES is exactly the same. Positively refuses to study, despite knowing thinking the alternative is dire. Undoubtedly bright (at a selective school), he just plain hates studying academic work. With the confidence of a strong personality I naively thought I could MAKE him do it. But no (and it's been 2 years). Not bribery, warnings of a future flipping fries, blackmail, sanctions, punishments, tears, rants - nothing worked. My DH has recommended letting the consequences just happen. Tough for me, but he's probably right in the end.

ftm42 Thu 11-Apr-13 14:54:32

I don't blame the school [if anything DH and I are blaming ourselves for not pushing him, but then we aren't pushy parents, or we didn't think we were] - I'm just frustrated that despite their efforts and ours at home, he just isn't taking study seriously. At the end of the day, he'll still get his place at college as he doesn't need high grades for the course he wants to do.

Maybe we are worrying about nothing and like FrauMoose says, it wouldn't be that terrible if he didn't get the grades, as his college will support him to re-do core subjects anyway.

He was never going to be a lawyer so he still has plenty of time to mature and have a more relaxing time at college. He will only just be 16 when he starts in September and is quite immature, even for his age.

I think we just need to chill [I'm better at that than DH who harrasses him constantly] and let things happen as ES wishes.

cansu Sat 06-Apr-13 19:22:04

sorry but school seem to be teaching him and setting him appropriate work which he isnt doing. What are you doing about this? Have you withdrawn gadgets and cash from him? I dont really see how the fact that you are paying for his schooling makes much difference. The school cant force your ds to make the effort. they can assist him if he is finding it hard and keep him in detentions to complete work but I dont really see what else you expect them to do. as usual there are posters telling you to blame the school especially as you are paying - I really don't understand this attitude. Presumably if you thought the school was poor you would have complained or withdrawn your ds before now. I would also assume that if you had suspected some form of SEN you would have addressed it by now. If you sought a diagnosis of dyslexia now it would only flag up strategies for your ds to use which wopuld require a lot of effort from him.

This does sound more like an SEN or similar problem. Have you you ever managed to get an explanation out of him as to why he doesn't like doing the work (caveat my children are younger so I don't have much experience of communicating with teenagers).

I am not impressed by the school. My sons' prep picked up their reading and writing problems.

FrauMoose Thu 04-Apr-13 14:02:06

Would it be terrible if he didn't get his GCSEs this time round? (I don't know if he has got any from before.)

Obviously parents want their children to 'do well'. For many parents this equates to good exam results, higher education etc. Many parents also think that by purchasing private education they are being better parents, giving their children better opportunities.

Your son sounds unhappy. It sounds as if his school has failed to identify difficulties at an early stage. It seems as if you may also have avoided looking into the issues. To me it just sounds as if everyone needs to start talking to one another, and it may be that some time needs to be taken to think about other plans for the future.

Mutteroo Tue 02-Apr-13 23:58:04

Sorry you're experiencing such issues, but you've got options. I'd agree with others that learning support issues need to be looked into first. My DC were undiagnosed by their state & private schools for 15 & 12 years respectively & it was DS new prep school that suspected he had dyslexia within 2 weeks of him starting there.

DD had a rotten time through GCSEs & I can imagine was very angry when she saw her brother achieving in spite of his dyslexia, plus her school disbelieved she had anything wrong. I'm not saying this is the situation for your son, however it sounds like he's struggling & his school do not appear to be doing as much as they should? Maybe consider getting an educational psychologist's report. This can then be used throughout his education, state or private.

seeker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:48:54

You're not paying for him to be this hopeless- you're paying for the school to be this hopeless!

I would be on th formntutor's doorstep the first day of term asking what sort of plan have they come up with to help him and you sort this out.

MTSgroupie Tue 02-Apr-13 23:45:26

I don't mean to be harsh but why is it only becoming an issue now? I mean, this kind of problem doesn't just creep up overnight.

At DS's school tracking grades are published 3 times a year which culminates in a end of year report. Any pupil that fails to maintain acceptable grades will result in the parents being asked to come in for a consult. Your problems should have been identified long before it got as far as GCSEs.

grovel Tue 02-Apr-13 23:19:02

Sounds like a crap school.

OddBoots Tue 02-Apr-13 21:29:17

It's unlikely but as it is the experience I have had with ds is that he is not dyslexic (or dyspraxic as we thought) but he does have hypermobility in his hands which makes is difficult and painful to write. He's been moved over to using a laptop for every lesson and it has brought a huge improvement for him. Do you think this might be possible? If so then an assessment by an OT might be worthwhile.

ftm42 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:21:43

These are all subjects he chose and yes, he's below average for all of them. As the ES, he's the first one through all this. Re dyslexia - his handwriting is truly appalling - he still doesn't use finger spaces, punctuation, etc unless you give him a keyboard, when he's fine. He has been tested for dyslexia, and as he's at a private school, I'd've thought they'd have spotted this well before now. He's been there since Y7. If that's what it is, I'd like a refund!

IDK Sat 23-Mar-13 11:36:03

Were these subjects his idea. My DS was forced to take Tech which he hates - he barely scraped a pass but did OK in other subjects.

Are you getting similar comments from the English, Maths or Science departments?

Phineyj Sat 23-Mar-13 10:21:49

Undiagnosed SEN - dyslexia etc? Possibly worth checking out?

Does he have a sibling who finds studying easy? Perhaps he feels it's not worth the effort as he can never do as well?

Maybe he needs to understand what his future will be without any GCSEs. What would he be doing this time next year if not at college?

ftm42 Sat 23-Mar-13 00:13:49

Just got this from ESs form tutor re his GCSEs study:

I have had the following concerning feedback from Lewis? teacher?s this week.

Media; During his mock paper he spent 15 minutes staring at his exam paper, ...This shows to me that he obviously didn?t keep up with his revision at home. It finally got to the point where I realised he wasn?t going to write anything if I didn?t define it, but he knows I couldn?t do that in the exam.

For media he told me he was still having difficulty getting pupils to come in with clothes to help with his filming, ...[ES] must take responsibility for this and not blame the other pupils when he has not even asked them to help.

Design Tech; he is the only one who has not completed preparation sheets for his final evaluation, they were asked to do preparatory work at home so that they can be filled in after the making stage but as yet he tells me this has not been done.

I have also given him his pre-exam study and website to study with and I am concerned that he will not prepare adequately.

I received this on Thursday so sent [ES] to the library at lunch to complete the work mentioned. He tells me this is done...I have not had the opportunity to double check, but will be doing on Monday....

monitor any work [ES] is missing and when required get him to do this in the library at lunch.
.
.
.What do we have to do to get him to take this seriously? We've tried bribery; persuasion; negotiation; sitting on the stairs until he brings his work down for me to supervise him; etc

The school [private school, so we're actually paying for him to be this hopeless!] are at their wits end and so are we. He has a place at college for next year, but even this [with its low academic requirements, as he isn't academic anyway] is now at risk if he doesn't do anything.

What can we do? I can't believe that he's letting himself down like this.

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