DD has just started year seven. She has come from a very small rural school, along with about 8 of her school colleagues, where she was very happy, into a secondary school with around 1200 pupils between yrs 7-11. She has visited this secondary many times during her time at primary, as well as attended transition days, and was happy and excited to be starting.
DD has a medical condition which unfortunately took a downturn during this first term and ended up with a hospital admission for 3 weeks, as well as sick days prior and since, and other appointments. During her hospital stay the school bent over backwards to accommodate her attendance at school when she was able, and she has been given dinner passes to allow her to get into lunch with a friend at first sitting to ensure she eats what she wants. She had an issue with a girl she didn't like, but although now she isn't friends, she isn't worried about her any more. But that really set things off wrong and she decided she didn't like school and when sick she actually faked several more sick days to get out of going.
She is in a tutor group with all the girls from her school apart from one who went to a different school, including her best friend. She has been put in class 1 or 2 for the majority of subjects.
She has been saying now that she hates the school. She won't give much of a reason beyond that she just hates it, she hates the teachers and she feels like she doesn't fit in and that everyone has friends and she is left out, and yet if you ask her she has been spending times with different people and is usually someone who makes a lot of friends. This weekend she had her birthday outing but her best friend was I'll and couldn't make it, but her friend who went to the other comprehensive came along. She loves her school, so now all I am hearing is how she wants to go to this school now.
I have tried to explain to her that it's always difficult transitioning from primary to secondary, that most people are probably feeling the same, especially as the school is a feeder for many tiny rural schools. Also she has come from being the eldest to the youngest, and the big kids are teenagers, which is different from the eldest being yr6s. Also as she has been off sick quite a bit she is bound to feel even less settled than many others, and that can make you feel left out. She says that her old friends are making new friends and she feels left out, but she hasn't acknowledged that she too has made new friends too, so it works both ways. I also said that if she went to the other school the situation would be the same, except that she would be relying on the only person she knows, and that SHE would probably have other friends too. It's tricky because at her primary there were quite a tight group of them, but only 14 pupils in the whole year. She flitted easily between groups and her best friend seemed to change with the wind. Now I feel she is wanting the security of a best friend but doesn't feel that yet, so she thinks the grass is greener at the other school (which is actually bigger than the one she is at, with 80 pupils in a class in some subjects I also suggested it was far far too early for her to make any decisions about whether she likes the school or not.
In addition the practicals are that the school she is at has the best reputation in the area - one that people move to get into the catchment area. It is also about 400 yards from our house. Getting to the other one would mean a 10 mile non funded bus ride there and back, and she can barely manage to get up, dressed, do her medication and physio, have breakfast and get out the door for the school next door, and this other school starts at 8.20am 3 days a week.
She just keeps going on and on and on and I am beginning to get cross now. I don't even want to discuss it as it seems that she thinks she is going to wear me down. Also I feel like she has just decided she hates her new school and her frame of mind is so negative that she isn't going to like it now whatever, but given how her character is there is no guarantee that 5 mins into a different school it could be exactly the same situation. Someone just looks at her funny and she hates that one too. She keeps trying to pin me down as to how long she has to endure it before I will think its long enough to change schools. She hasn't even stepped into this other school either, so it's all based on her not having found a peer group, and another child's enthusiasm.
So fundamentally I am asking, how long does it take to settle in ( I know I hated my first year there, but that was 30 years ago) how can I help her shift her perspective to a more positive one, and what do I do about this CONSTANT going on and on about it and nagging as to when/ how/ why can she change schools before I go completely mental ?
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How long to settle
11 replies
NettleTea · 07/01/2013 23:16
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