Changing schools in year 7 (long sorry)

[Frikadellen]

I have written before about my dd2 and her unhappiness in year 7.

Short story (or original thread here
dd2 chose to go to different 2ndary to dd1 as she didnt wish to be dd1's little sister for the rest of her life. We supported her and applied to the "local" catchment school for her (in reality as we live right on the boarder of the county this school is actually further away than 2 others who are both in a different county to us)
She has not settled. Her school day is very long she leaves home at 7 am and returns home at 5. (dd1 leaves at 7 30 and is home by 3 30)

We have repeatedly gone to the school to get help she has not made friends they set up some introductions
we went back when the introductions didnt come to anything they set up a circle of friends. Great idea in theory but as each of the girls are in different form with different tutors (School has intake of 260 children a year group) the girls in practice cant manage to meet up apart from this time that is specifically set aside for them to have a room to go to and be allowed to eat their lunch.
They wont move the form groups so some of these girls (I asume others also not settling) could be together
dd2 says none of the children in her class are willing to speak with her some blanking her outright and others just disinterested.

We had thought this was being helped when the school set up the circle of friends and also was told one of the girls were being moved to dd2's form. Said girl has not been moved to the form and upon asking dd1 to question dd2 if she was happy we found that our suspicious was right and dd2 is very unhappy.

Last night we sat down with her and said "your not in trouble but we are worried that your unhappy and would like us to talk to us about it we might be able to help." She burst into tears sobbing her heart out telling us how no one spoke to her from when she went in until she left. She eats her lunch alone gets picked on by her "class mates" feels none of her teachers likes her (this could be her perception as report card in October was wonderful - new one due any day) She is desperately lonely and deeply unhappy.

She has picked up any infection going and I believe her to be depressed. Her current attendance is 88.6 % I do not recall her ever falling below 98% in primary (I have phoned the primary today to ask - hope I will be told upon collecting dd3 and ds later) She has in the last 3 months had throw up sickness cystitis and tonsillitis add to that a earlier in the year injury of her ankle making it so she couldn't put weight on it (and 2 days off) and all of the sickness bar 2 afternoons where she was sent home from school (both times throwing up in school once in classroom as she didn't make it to toilet) are in blocks so it is not her skiving she has genuinely been ill. I have just never seen her this ill.

Obviously this can not go on and we know we need to move her. She would dearly like to go to a 2ndary CofE school where her best friend from primary went and 2 other friends from primary went to. We did not apply for this school as it has a church attendance priority and we are not C of E (I am a lutherean protestant dh agnostic) and do not attend church. We would not have got in the school is over subscribed hence it felt like a wasted choice.

I have spoken to the senco of the primary who knows dd2 well having worked closely with her (dd2 is very dyslexic) and she agrees this school would be ideal for dd2 and have agreed to write a letter stating this should we appeal. The head of the primary to my surprise (history between us) have also agreed she will write a letter of support . However the school is full in year 7 (not at pan but in year 7 they are full) When I Spoke to the secretary of the head (lovely lady) she said as it is no she could not see us getting in from waiting list and likely not from an appeal "but sometimes appeal boards did stuff that surprised her".

Our reasoning for this particular school is mostly emotional. dd2 is currently in a head space where she thinks no one likes her, she is scared if she goes to other school she will also be blanked and people will not take to her nor will she be able to make friends. If she goes to this school she knows there are 3 friends who she will have to begin with before slowly beginning to make her own friends. The school has great pastoral care and I think personally she desperately needs a school that will "give a damn" about her for a while. She had a reading test the other day and had not been asked if she needed help with this and is now back in the "I am stupid" head space this despite the fact that they know she is with the SENCO twice a week to deal with her dyslexia. I know from one of the parents of a year 7 child (also dyslexic though not as bad as dd2) that this doesn't happen at this school (reading tests are only done with SENCO). Though school does not have any special expertise in SN/Dyslexia.

However as the school is full we would talk appeal and I am really unsure we would have any chance of getting in even on appeal as the only argument I have is a very unhappy depressed little girl who needs a chance for someone who can see what a lovely girl there is underneath all this unhappiness and who can show her how she can shine. I do believe this school is the best option for that. Their pastoral care is outstanding from everyone I hear who has children there.


Today I phoned the 2 school the closest too us. The first said " no we are not at PAN in year 7 but I do not know what the waiting list is like you need to apply via LEA" dd2 is concerned about this school as she has been told stories of bullying and the school not dealing with it. Additionally one child dd2 did not get on with one child who went to this school in primary so she is concerned that child will turn everyone else against her. A close friend however has a child at this school and they are very happy with it. Additionally the school is 15 mins drive by car so if she misses bus or wishes to attend after school clubs this is a possibility as I can collect. (her current school is 30 mins drive so not as easy with 3 other children)

The other school I called is dd1's school they have a space in year 7 dd2's only objection to this school has been that she didn't want to be dd1's little sister all the time. I think with a 260 intake and dd1 being in year 9 this is actually unlikely. However whilst dd1 is very happy with the school and thriving I have concerns about their tackling bullying (having seen evidence in 2 children - friend of dd1 and friend of niece who lived with us for 1 1/2 year and also went to this school and loved it) and with dd2 coming from the place she is I am concerned she may end up bullied. the 3 friends from primary (current year 7) who went to this school are not kids she is close with. I do not however think any of them will attempt to black name her and it is also unlikely she will end up in Class with either. A friend in year 8 (primary does 2 years pr class) is at this school and I know would welcome dd2 with open arms .

So after all of this very long post. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. the Ideal I think is the CofE school as of all 3 schools it is the one with the best pastoral care. However to get her into this school we are talking a long shoot at an appeal, and if we take the gamble the other 2 options may have filled.

I do not know what to do for the best I don't know how to best support my darling daughter to again find that funny, clever lovely girl that is there inside her. I hate to see her this down and I know I cant get this one wrong but I am at such a loss.

I think the only thing positive I can see in all of this right now is I know when dd2 looks back at this in years time she will think " mummy and daddy was there for me" I know that counts for a lot but right now trying to work out what is the best for her.

I am at a loss..

advice??

[twoterrors]

Oh, your poor little girl, she sounds so sad. I haven't got any special expertise but I would think about:
-applying for all the alternative schools if you can, at the same time. You would have to apply for the CofE school and be turned down before you appeal anyway I think. Then see what you get.
-in the meantime, I would go back to her current school and describe how she is feeling and ask them for more help. It is not OK that she is eating lunch on her own if she doesn't want to or that no-one talks to her, by this stage in the year. I would count that as bullying. You may not be able to move her straight away so I would pursue the school too.
-some year 7s do get ill a lot I think, but it gets better, and her day is very long.
-I don't think the little sister thing is an issue really, but untackled bullying is. But it is very hard to get at the truth on this: I am not sure parents of bullied children (I speak as one) ever feel it has been tackled well, and rumours fly. Can you find out a bit more?
-some children do find the transition tricky and it is useful to try and separate what is down to the school (from what you have said, you are not convinced the pastoral care at some of the others will be better or more joined up), the journey, or your little girl.
Very good luck to your dd.

[Frikadellen]

Thank you for the response.

I have had a long talk with her today and we have decided we will ask the 2 school close to us to go for a visit. Then we will see what one she like the best.

I feel there is little point in approaching the school again as each time it takes a good week to get a response (I am NOT impressed by paper free) and despite my saying 3-4pm is not a good time to call me this is repeatedly when they respond so I am constantly playing answer phone tag. When I then do manage to talk to them they will go oh yes yes we will deal with it. And once doing so will do 1 thing but pay no attention to how it will be possible to continue or if it will aid in the long run.

I agree that the sibling issue is not a big one but it is important that dd2 understands this.

I know details of both cases of the bullying in one the school imo acted wrongly in the other they did originally act wrongly but after a complaint have attempted to deal with the situation ( to late for the girl involved but I guess better late than never) I do however have to say my dd1 is happy at this school and have had good pastoral care there.

[PanelChair]

You can apply for places in schools in-year. If they have a vacancy, they have to give it to you. If they refuse you a place, you can appeal, even for (say) a faith school where you wouldn't meet the usual admissions criteria. It is then up to you to demonstrate that the prejudice (ie disadvantage) to your child in not attending the school is greater than the prejudice to the school in admitting another pupil.

[Frikadellen]

thank you Panel chair I know the way around applying. The issue is actually more trying to find the right school when it is likely the right school is out of the question and you are left with what may be a gamble and a child whose confidence is at rock bottom.

[LittenTree]

God, what a nightmare for you all.

I guess 'the right school' choice is always a gamble in that you'll never know what the alternative would be like. I mean, a DC might go into one particular tutor group in one school and be unhappy but had they been placed in the tutor in the next classroom, would've blossomed. DS1 tells me of a girl in his tutor who was moved, mid Y7, into another tutor and apparently it has worked well.

The one thing I'd discount is the 'little sister' worry. It so doesn't work like that in giant comprehensives. No one, well, cares!

I think it's clear that you've exhausted your options in her current school and that it's been a false start. It happens (probably more than we realise), time to try and move on.

Wishing you the best of luck as it's hell when your DC becomes so unhappy. You just want to march in and smack heads together, don't you?!

[Frikadellen]

thank you for the reply. I phoned the 2 schools with spaces yesterday to ask for us to do a walk around, 1 said they only do them at 8 45 am on a Friday (every 2nd Friday) as I live 15 mins drive away and have to have 2 kids at school for 8 55 (and usually drive another 2 as well) this is going to be quite a interesting one to arrange.

The other is phoning me back today to arrange a mutually convenient time. dd2 has agreed to go to see both schools and then we will make the decision, I hope she will like the school dd1 is at as frankly it will give her 2 more hours at hhome each day.

[mummytime]

My older two DC had the same Maths teacher this year, he didn't realise they were related until I mentioned it. Unless your surname is very unusual it's unlikely teachers will instantly realise they are related (my DC had a reasonably strong resemblance).

[lowlandlady]

I think while you look at other schools do persist with the pastoral team at her present school. It's important to know who the senco is, who the pastoral support team are and to be helped together with your daughter to find a strategy for her, suggestions, ideas, alternatives for these difficult times of day.
You sometimes have to push to get a school to respond well and raise their game to meet your needs. I find if you stay positive, give praise where it's due (it can be about an unrelated thing but it just wins people over) and keep politely asking for help, you may find that things change. They need to have a strategy for this and to show you that they can address it, support her, support you. Even if she moves then she has had a learning experience and doesn't need to leave feeling like a failure. She may not even want to leave. Good luck and HUGE empathy!

[Bletchley]

DD1s school sounds like the best option to me. DD2 will be emotionally stronger just because she is less tired physically. You know the school and DD1 can keep a little bit of an eye out if necessary. In a big secondary no sibling is really in the shadow of an elder because they will have different teachers (and I say that as parent of two with the same year- gap as you).

[Bletchley]

Also I wouldn't set too much store by visits - how much can you tell, really?

[Frikadellen]

I went through ofsted report for dd1's school again (it was done last year) This morning as another local 2ndary school had theirs come out yesterday and it was not good news. One thing I had not noticed about dd1's school is they got outstanding in effectivness of care,guidance and support

Adding to this the school has (as I do expect) responded fast to my asking of a time to come see the school this is currently the one we are looking towards. I just need dd2 to get on board and I honestly think a visit will do so.

still worried I am doing the wrong thing but on the other hand the wrong thing would be to keep her where she is unhappy.

Thank you for the replies.

[bossboggle]

Move your dd!! There is no point in a child being unhappy every day, she has to go somewhere for the next five years - care, guidance and support go a long way to making a child happy - it is not all about results!! The wrong thing is to keep her where she is unhappy - happiness and welfare stand above all other considerations if she is unhappy where she is - the rest will follow if you have a happy and contented child!! My friend did exactly the same with her DS when he was two months into the local school she moved him to my DS' school and he never looked back!! He had the time of his life and is now happily in college and enjoying himself.

[Frikadellen]

I just wanted to update that we have applied for the school dd1 is in and last I spoke with school they felt paperwork should have gone through for dd2 to start after Easter.. (as they have the space open I feel confident we are now just talking of paperwork)

dd2 is tomorrow going to gp to be tested for glandular fewer something I think will explain her tiredness.