I am in shock...

[Nemofish]

Me again.

Quick backstory - I've managed to find my dad in Canada, having not seen him since I was a baby. I have been chatting to his cousin who is lovely and very supportive, but silence and no response to e-mails from my dad.

Until last night.

Got an e-mail from him, apologising for the delay due to health reasons (I am aware from his cousin that he has had cancer in the recent past) and also as he didn't know how to tell me that he's not my dad.



He says that my mother is a lunatic woman prone to rearranging the world mentally to fit her idea of what should be (true!) and he feels that is what she has done by always telling me he is my dad.

Canadian alleged dad found out when trying to concieve with his wife that he was in fact sterile, and always had been.

Another

I guess he can't be my dad then. Canadian obviously not dad says that my dad's name is 'Fred Bloggs' and that he didn't know him very well, sorry that he has no more information.

Funny thing is that me and dh found out we couldn't have kids together pretty much the same way.

I sent Canadian-not-my-dad-guy (following so far?!!) pictures of my dd in my last e-mail, he said she is beautiful and he is very sad that he cannot be her grandfather, and isn't able to call me his daughter, as I seem so nice. And would I like to carry on corresponding with him please?

I think that this lovely elderly couple would like to 'adopt' us as we dont have any grandparents and they never had any children!

Half of me is in total shock, my mother is even more nasty than I thought, she has lied to me all those years, and part of me feels that I have no fucking clue who I am (although of course I do) and another part of me feels that he isn't my dad but he seems rather lovely, and I feel like I am a part of his family.

Crikey.

[Lizzylou]

OMG, how bittersweet for you.
That Canadian man sounds lovely, will you keep in touch with him?

[Acanthus]

Crikey. Poor you, nemo. And poor Canadian-not-Dad. You mum sounds like a rum un.

[Nemofish]

Might as well, I still think of him as my dad even though I know now that he isn't.

Somehow it feels better than rejection from someone who is my dad. I'll never know now, and I'm not going to drive myself bonkers looking for the old fart. I don't care anymore.

[Nemofish]

I dunno!!!

One minute I am happy as I haven't, after all, been rejected by my father, then I want to cry as I have no dad!

Then I think ffs you are 33 what do you need a dad for?! You have looked after yourself from the age of 12! Then I think, exactly, then I want to cry again! And overuse exclamation marks!

I think this is part of the healing process.

[Nemofish]

Acanthus 'a rum un' I like that

[Lizzylou]

Nemo, I think it is wonderful that a lovely man you have never met has chosen you to be his surrogate (grand) daughter!
How nice is that?

You have every reason to feel confused though, course you have.
And overuse exclamation marks

[Nemofish]

Tbh Eleanor I feel like you don't miss what you've never had. I think children that have had a relationship with their father, and then parents split up and father is poor at keeping up contact, suffer far more than someone like me who's dad has never been there.

And if I had a decent mother instead of the posterwoman for Narcissistic Personality Disorder I don't think I would have felt this compulsion to find him the way I have.

Your children will grow up feeling loved and secure, they will be fine.

Canadian Not Dad is the Best Dad I've Never Had! Haha!

[livethedream]

Oh Nemofish. Is Joe Bloggs something you can follow up? Is there any point going back to your mother formore info?

Agree Canadian not-dad sounds lovely.

[Nemofish]

Needle in a haystack. I think my mother would deny all knowledge / just tell more lies. I feel kind of all find my dad-ed out, tbh.

It is very odd thinking that I will never know. But I am taking the view that I am not the result of two sets of genes, I am a creature almost entirely of my own creation!

[colditz]

Oh sweetheart.

how nice of your 'not-dad' to want to be involved with you via correspondence - maybe this is something you'd enjoy?

[Nemofish]

I know, he said that after reading my e-mails and seeing my family photos he would be proud to call me his daughter - sob!

That's the nicest thing that anyone who's Not My Dad has ever said to me!

Will get his postal address and send him photos and get dd to do some pictures!

Sorry I'm off on one with the '!' s again.

[IsGraceAvailable]

Blimey, Nemo, you mother's a whole truckload of frogs, isn't she??!

Your Canadian non-dad sounds excellent

Ummm, good luck with processing all this new shit

[Plumm]

Wow, what a shock. I hope Canadian-not-Dad ends up being a fantastic surrogate Dad/Grandad to you and the kids.

[Nemofish]

I may publish the whole story in book form one day, IsGraceAvailable. But no one will believe it...

Oh yes, several lorry loads of frogs.

[FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit]

My dad told me he never wanted me so you enjoy your canadian-not-really-dad dad.

[AlCrowley]

Your not-really-Dad sounds tonnes nicer than my wish-he-wasn't-dad Nemo.

[Nemofish]

I would share him with you, Fab, but he might think that a little odd...

You and me have a lot in common and shit parents stuff, you certainly deserve better than the parents you got.

We are lucky in that we can enjoy our children rather than spend time being abuse / resentful / avoiding responsibility.

We are fucking brilliant mothers and we figured it out ourselves. Let's form a club, I'll get the t-shirts printed!

[Nemofish]

Thanks, Al!

[FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit]

[CarGirl]

Wow what a turn up for the books, you could write a book

Sounds like you should be able to adopt your not-dad and his family fairly easily to mutual benefit.

I hope you come to terms with it all once the shock has worn off.