"Your behaviour is unacceptable" he says repeatedly

[lavenderbongo]

I know you shouldn't get involved in other people relationships but this is a very good friend and I am not getting involved other than to listen to her. However I just want other peoples opinions on his behaviour and whether ir not he is being a bit controlling or not. It is worrying me but I think maybe I am a bit to close to my friend to see things without being biased.

My friend is a very emotional person particularly at certain times of the month. In other words she can go off on one and is a bit of a drama queen. She is aware of this and accepts that at time she builds problems up where there are in fact none.

She and her DP got engaged about a year ago and were due to get married this year but have had to put it on hold for family reasons. Since then his has been reluctant to talk about the wedding at all - says it is stressing him out. He won't even plan dates and is allowing my friend to sell the wedding dress she brought in order to raise some money.

They live together and have done for several years. They share things financially and pay jointly for both the house, car and bills. However he recently refused to renew the insurance for her on the car as it was going to cost too much (she is a new driver). So now she is unable to drive the car she has being paying for jointly!

What has also been worrying me is the fact that he goes out several weekends in a row with his mates leaving her at home alone. He also tells her repeatedly that her "behaviour is unacceptable" when she cries and needs a bit of emotional reassurance. He rarely talks to her properly.

Having written this down it now seems very obvious where this is going!

She however still loves him. She even said "shall I ring him?" (after he walked out) "but I am afraid too in case it upsets him". How can I help her?

[celticfairy101]

Well for a start you should advise, she stops paying for the car.

Why don't you take her out for a slap up meal or get tickets for a show?

Your friend has lost her self esteem, not surprising giving that she's living with a jerkass who thinks he's her dad, and she needs your kind words and encouragement.

[lavenderbongo]

Thanks Celticfairy - I think you have hit the nail on the head - he does act like he is her father and not her equal.

I would take her out trouble is I am about 12'000 miles away

[booyhoo]

the refusing to insure her on the car sounds controlling.

but i have to say, i have in the past told OH that his behaviour was unacceptable, not because he was emotional though, rather because he was a abusive when drunk.

[valiumSingleton]

You're in a difficult situation here. I was in an abusive relationship and the car thing strikes a chord with me sadly. I ended up spending my savings on driving lessons but as I wasn't 'allowed' drive the car I never got enough practise, and he wouldn't let me drive it until I'd passed the test, and I couldn't afford to buy my own car (and I'd wasted a lot of money on driving lessons!). Anyway, it's not the right attitude is it? I agree that she should immediately stop paying for the car, and she shouldn't marry him either. If he just watches impassively while she gets emotional, then they aren't connecting. Also, she seems to be afraid of upsetting him..... oh dear. Is there any way she could be convinced to value her sanity and happiness and walk away from this..... or will she walk like a lemming towards a wedding.

[valiumSingleton]

Is this not what it seems UA?

[mathanxiety]

Horrible man. He doesn't want a living breathing, complicated woman. He wants three squares a day and his laundry done. Plus benefits. Plus half the car and house payments.

Who died and elected him judge of her bahaviour? Hope you can convince your friend that this is going nowhere except somewhere she doesn't want to be, fast.

Time to leave him in her dust. She can use the money she saves from the car payments she will no longer be making to find herself somewhere else and start afresh. He can buy out her share of the house.

[lavenderbongo]

Unlikeyamazonian - what does that mean - did you post by accident. I have been on here years - just moved abroad now so post when everyone else is asleep.

valiumSingleton - thanks, I hope it is not abusive. He does seem a bit controlling though but previously I alway thought he was a nice bloke. But then I have only met him for short periods of time and don't know him that well. It appears that the marriage might not be happening now - he has walked out, leaving her in pieces.

[valiumSingleton]

Is your computer playing up UA, or are you hammering home the message?!

[valiumSingleton]

Even if he's not abusive, I think Mathanxiety put it really well. He has a nice set up. He makes all the decisions, about money, drives a car partly paid for by her that she can't drive. He isn't able to support her emotionally.

[lavenderbongo]

I have suggested that she go and stay with a relative who live locally but she is reluctant to leave as she thinks that will cause the end of this relationship. I think thats a good thing!
I think you are right and her self esteme is at rock bottom. Its really upsetting as she is worth so much more. Why has an intelligent, beautiful woman let herself be ground down like this.

Thanks to those who have listened to me rant. Its very difficult being stuck on the other side of the world when someone you care about is in trouble and you cant do anything about it.

I have rung her parents so they are aware of the situation and tried to get hold of her local relative as well. Not sure what else to do at the mo.

[Valpollicella]

Come on UA, don't let today (and other threads) marr others.

Otherwise the alternative is that we'd all post 'A minority has made it suck' and then Justine and Carrie would get pissed off.

And we wouldnt want that, would we?

OP, FWIW. He sounds like a dick

He is being emotionally abusive and your friend needs to see this. You won't be able to make her see this directly, but you can listen and guide her.

IE, soemthing along the lines of Do you think (insert happy couple's DH name here) does this? Does my DH?

Good luck - I hope she can either resolve this or get out of it

[valiumSingleton]

Just did a search on lavenderbongo and she is obviously a very honest poster, so not sure what she has to do with mumsnet going to pot.

[mathanxiety]

Lavenderbongo, if you want to reach her, don't try telling her what she should do, because she's already getting plenty of that from her DP, and that is what has ground her down.

Instead, ask her questions, leading questions, that will get her thinking about her situation, in her own words, so she can hear herself describe her own situation, and think about solutions for herself. Then you can reinforce her by agreeing (if you think she's heading in the right direction) and help her carry out her plans, which she will be more invested in because of having thought of them by herself.

[mathanxiety]

I cannot imagine how humiliated she must feel to sell her lovely wedding dress to pay bills while at the same time paying for a car she will never get to drive. So and at this.

[cestlavielife]

suggest to her she goes out herself when left home alone - or is there a reason why she cannot go out on her own?

ask her to write down the positive thngs about the relationship - what makes her wnat to keep in it?

[lavenderbongo]

Thanks mathanxiety - she is normally quite a strong person but she is really in love with this man and I think it is really clouding her judgement.
cestlavielife - thats a really good idea about writing the positive things down. She does go out on her own but would like to do things with her DP. I think that is really a reflection on what I expect from a relationship - me and DH spend our time not at work together 100% - but then we have kids as well.

[Eurostar]

Sounds like he is not that into her anymore but can't think of a way to get out while they are so financially entwined so has found an excuse to leave her stuck at home. Sounds like she is scared to be alone and will put up with being treated with little care and attention because of fear of the unknown or wishful thinking that things will go back to how they once were.

[Miggsie]

This is the beginning of emotional abuse and will only get worse. There is a very good emotional abuse thread here which has lots of links to the type of man who abuses and what the abuse entails, and the control and not being "allowed" to do things is classic.

He is treating her worse than a dog, and frankly there are better men out there.

If she marries him her life will be buggered for many many years. He is destroying her confidence and making her dependent on him, thus ensuring hse will never leave him so he gets all the housework done and regular sex.

If they ahve kids he will treat them even worse.