keep trying to say goodbye

[5MoreMinutesPlease]

my ds is 3months old, when he was a month old dh left and moved back into his old flat. ds was 5weeks early so needed a lot of care and as i'm bf'ing i don't get a break and its been hard. dh has't been at all supportive of breastfeeding, he's said on more then one occasion that i'm only doing it to make life harder and drive him away.
i've had mental health problems in the past and kept asking him for support as i'm high risk for pnd and i've been feeling quite low. ds also has awful colic which shows no signs of going away.
dh comes round quite regually and asks for money, today he asked for £800 for car insurance, when i was a bit reluctant to give it to him he said he wouldn't be round to see me or ds again and that'd be it. i panicked and agreed though i can't afford it. last week he said the same thing.
i still love him and i want it so much for us to work but it just doesnt seem to. i wanted better for my children, my dad was in and out of our lives and my parents had a bitter divorce.
when ds cries he says 'wah' to him, like he's mocking him and it really upsets me.
i don't know whether a dad who's not that great is better then no dad at all.
i'm scared of being alone.
i wish we could just be friends and he could just see ds and be a dad but it's all or nothing with him and if i say thats it then he says he'll never see us again.
i don't know what to do.

[NicknameTaken]

Don't give him the £800!

I'm sorry, 5, but if this man is not supporting you (emotionally/practically/financially) right now, when you need him most, he's never going to give you that support.

I know you want a father for your ds, but you can't make him be that man.

I think that what you need to do right now is concentrate on finding other forms of support, whether it's friends, family, Surestart or whatever. Don't expend too much energy on this man, He's showing his true colours.

[Ryuk]

I agree with the above.

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, but he shouldn't be showing up and trying to extort money from you. Threatening you with something that he knows will scare you (not seeing him again) to try to get money from you is extortion, and cruel. Not supporting you in bf'ing and not being a supportive or caring dad (not even trying to comfort the baby when he cries) doesn't sound like a dad who's 'not that great', more like very selfish and uncaring.

If you still love him, not seeing the man will probably be gutwrenchingly painful for a while, and I do sympathise, but if he's being manipulative then in the long run it'll probably be for the best, or he'll just keep deaminding things/being hurtful.

Try to get friends or family to come and spend time with you, maybe look for a new mums parenting group or try to get in contact with MN posters from your area, or even ask social services to put you in touch with resources. Just try to get some social support. Good luck 5.

[corlan]

Do not give him the money.

He is treating you and your child really badly.

You could waste years of your life hoping that he will be a better man - from the sound of it that is never going to happen.

The threat to never see your child again is disgusting. If he has any decency, he will not carry it out. If he does carry it out, he is not worthy to be in your Ds's life anyway.

[5MoreMinutesPlease]

thanks.
i tried to split up with him last week and he said he'd never see us again. i just panicked, i moved to this new house 10days before my waters broke and havn't managed to make friends and all my plans for a fresh start and a happy family have fallen apart. every time i say no to him he says he'll never see him again and he hopes i'm happy ds will have no dad and i feel like i'm letting him and ds down. i feel trapped and like i'm in the wrong even though when i write it down it seems different.

[5MoreMinutesPlease]

i know ds deserves better but why do i feel like i'm letting him down no matter what i do.

[Ryuk]

'He hopes you're happy ds will have no dad'? Passive aggressive git. He shouldn't be trying to blame you for something he's threatening to do.

Please just avoid him, it sounds like he's being horrible. Focus on doing what you can to make yourself feel better, and that will be the best thing you can do for your ds. He needs love and attention, and the best way you can give that to him is by making sure you're getting yourself as emotionally stable as possible.

As long as you're making sure your and your son's needs are met, even if he doesn't see his emotionally abusive dad at all, you're still being a good mum. I can't stress that enough.

[Ryuk]

Oh, and do have a look for parent social groups or similar in your area. Having people to talk to in person can make things a lot more manageable!

[TechLovingDad]

He's a twat. He knows you'll jump everytime he throws the "I'll leave" line at you.

Let him, you and your DS will be far better off without this leech in your life.

[LadyintheRed]

So your husband moved out, but is threatening you with leaving you?

He's already left you. He doesn't help with the baby at all, doesn't help with the house, doesn't help financially and in fact takes money from his baby

This sounds like an appalling man. He left at your most vulnerable moment, but keeps in contact in order to exhort money from you (does he pressure you for sex, too, by any chance?). He wants everything and to give you nothing.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Talk to your HV about parent groups and any other support. Are you on maternity leave? It's worth talking to the CSA about maintenance, since this utter wanker clearly thinks it's alright to manipulate you into giving him money, when he has a legal obligation to support his child.

And if you're legally married, you might want to think about checking out your legal situation generally and what you're entitled to. Because you have to formalise this split. At the moment, you have absolutely none of the benefits of partnership (nor does your son) but a huge financial and emotional drain on you.