DH driving me insane! Unsupportive and soooo slow!

[confuseddoiordonti]

Brain dump alert.

Ten days ago my ex partner, who I have always had an excellent relationship with, died of cancer. I am devastated. DH had found it difficult from the start with me being upset and repeatedly tried to change the subject whenever it came up. He came with me to the funeral and admitted to my mum that he had 'vastly underestimated' the popularity of my ex-p (he previously seemed to want to make out I was being either overly doom and gloom about his prognosis or termed other problems, such as his brother not sleeping well, as just as important.)

As well as this, he is driving me insane with his slowness to do anything. He cannot prise himself out of bed before 11am (unless he is at work, but he usually works from home) and cannot do two things at once (I realise this is a common theme in men!) When I ask him to do something he says he will 'in a minute' and it generally happens at least an hour later. When he cooks we rarely eat before 10pm.

He is under the impression he works really hard but he doesn't - when he works late into the night it is due to the fact he hasn't started till lunchtime and spends so long messing about that jobs take three times as long. I spend a considerable amount of time waiting around for him and this has come up numerous times in arguments (he can't see the issue, but his whole family is like this so it's the norm for him.) However, he cannot stand it if he is kept waiting around.

The lack of support over my recent bereavement and the fact that I spend half my time hanging about for him is making me want to thump him. More unreasonably (and I mean this hypothetically) I find myself longing for the time that one of his very close friends is ill / has died and I can make him late for the funeral by messing about changing what I am wearing at the last minute.

I know I ought to discuss this with him but I feel to angry and feel as if I may say things that really I shouldn't (about his family, for example.)

Sorry for the rant - need to get it out somewhere!

[Mouseface]

I hope you feel better for the rant....

TBH - you have a saint there compared to most DHs that get posted about on here.

Maybe tell him how you feel if he really gets on your tits nerves?

[confuseddoiordonti]

thanks for the response! also, I guess you are right, at least he is not shagging around or similar but I still can't stop getting pissed off with him.

It is hard to translate how frustrating it is when you spend half your life hanging about for someone without sounding like a nutter. If I am not waiting for him he is asking me where things are (his glasses, his keys, his phone charger etc) - my mum always says I should say 'my uterus is not a tracking device'

I have discussed the waiting thing with him several times, as I have the ex-p who has just died. At christmas he never surfaced until lunchtime which resulted in two hyperactive dogs and less time to do all the other jobs we were meant to be doing - unfortunately I don't drive so couldn't just leave him. He blames it on eating bread as it makes him 'weary' (how I hate that word!)

Anyway, thank you again. As you can probably gather, I am ranting again and getting stuff off my chest. I realise it sounds petty, especially in comparison to others, but I needed to get things down on paper (as speaking about it doesn't seem to do much!)

[Mouseface]

Hmm, I'm no doctor but this sounds a little like depression to me.

He uses bread as an excuse, it makes him 'weary'? The forgetfulness could also be a pointer - as in all parts of his mind are not focusing on the one job at hand.

What's his job that allows him to stay in bed?

[confuseddoiordonti]

Toy designer - works from home.

In fairness, we do have rather major money worries at the moment but are selling our house to downsize and settle debts. I know he thinks I am 'not interested' in this (has been discussed many times) but I have been preoccupied with ex-p dying and grandfather having a tumour removed recently (but, so far, doing okay, as it's turned out.) I find life and death more worrying than cashflow, but that's because I am giving it priority (hardly surprising.)

Saying this, he has always never thought twice about keeping people waiting around for him though...

[ChequeredFlag]

Mine is similar, and I feel your pain. I get more frustrated by the 'I work sooooo hard' comments, because I know that actually if he got up and got on with it, he'd have finished a job by early afternoon, rather than faffing on in the morning and therefore 'having' to work late. And then expects sympathy. And then, when I apply for a job that requires me to need childcare 2 mornings a week, gets all arsy when I suggest he could do it as he often hasn't started work by then anyway and makes out I'm being unreasonable. But that's another story...

[nickschick]

I think you are grieving,I think little things have escalated and I think sometimes you need to step back and breathe and allow yourself time to think and be 'bereaved'.

[Mouseface]

Sounds as though you and DH have equally important things going on. You should cut each other some slack and use each other for support.

Money = stress

Death/illness = stress

You should try to pull together and try to understand that you each have the right to worry about what is a priority to you as individuals.

No?

[confuseddoiordonti]

Hi ChequeredFlag, and it's nice to hear there is someone with a similar situation (not that it's a nice one!) He is very similar to your DH by the sounds of it. Funny how it sounds ridiculous written down but drives you bonkers when it's happening in RL.

NicksChick - you are right, I am grieving. And I also think that DH is winding me up more (when he messed about for half an hour looking for another shirt and nearly made us late for the funeral I wanted to kill him) and it is easy to get things out of perspective and focus mainly on the negative. However, DH while supportive if I ask him, isn't actually supportive in a spontaneous way, if that makes sense. I came back from the a high drama visit to the hospital the other week and one of the first things he asked was 'what's for dinner.' (He doesn't expect me to produce meals all the time, by the way, but does seen unable to think for himself.) The idea of being 'looked after' for a bit does appeal enormously but I suspect this is as good as it's going to get....

Grumble, grumble

[confuseddoiordonti]

Mouseface, we kind of are trying to but it doesn't seem to work in practice. He talks about his bank balance as I've just had a call about funeral arrangements - that kind of thing. Also, the money issues are mine as well as his but I don't think he see's it like that as I don't deal with things in the same way as him. (He tends to 'fret' - a trait acquired from his mother - whereras I tend to focus on the things we can do to help everthing, even if they'd only make tiny changes.

[junkcollector]

I second depression. The "weariness" is a good indicator, as well as a lack of empathy.

Everything sounds very stressful for you and your DH at the moment. I think Mouseface has hit the nail exactly on the head.

[confuseddoiordonti]

ps Mouseface - am re-reading your post and hoping it sinks in more about having a right to be worried aboutt different things rather than me simply getting annoyed with him fpr his lack of interest / support.

Like I said, all these issues have come up before but nothing has changed or moved on.

[confuseddoiordonti]

I think you may be right too Junkcollector - I am also hoping things pick up eventually as the current situation is not doing anyone any good.

[Eurostar]

anything good about being with him? Other than he can drive and you can't?

[Mouseface]

So, how are you today confuseddoiordonti?

Does what I said make sense?

It's easy to get swallowed up in your own emotions - grief in your immediate case - but if DH is staying in bed of a morning, prehaps he doesn't want to get up. Start his day. Again.

If he left the house to work, he may be motivated by that. But at present he appears by what you've posted to be in a rut.

As it is, he's his own time keeper which makes sticking to a routine harder.

I should know, DH works from home and has for the past 2 years. When times are tough, it would be easy to hide under the duvet!!

You need to work your feelings through together.

Last poster made a good point....... what do you like about him? Why did you marry him? What are his good points?

You could try just taking a step back from your emotions and look at him.

Yes, he drives you to distraction, they all do at some point, but he's still there. Still with you.

Give each other space and a chance to have some fun.

Even something as simple as a nice meal in/out, a DVD, share a bottle of wine, plan an evening when he won't be working late.

Take the pressure off. Just talk. No expectations. Just take it back to basics.

It's all too easy to point the finger and say he this/she that.

If you're together, it's about you both.

[confuseddoiordonti]

Sorry for the late response. I'm going to have to write properly tomorrow as too many jobs to do (and DH lurking!)

[TechLovingDad]

Not sure if this has already been mentioned, but don't be surprised if DH resents you grieving. Although you had an excellent relationship with your ex, your DH may feel that he is now less important to you than an ex who is no longer here (sorry if that sounds harsh).

[Mouseface]

UnlikelyAmazonian - What do you mean?