Should I just not talk about it?

[secunda]

DP has a longlasting injury to his back which sometimes affects his mobility and gives him a lot of pain, day in day out sort of thing. There is a big scar there too. None of this bothers me, but he won't tell me how it happened, only that it was an 'accident'. I think he did it about 15 years ago. The other day it was quite bad, and I asked him to tell me how it happened. He wouldn't say anything other than that it was an accident. I pushed him on it (shouldn't have done) and made him cry . He still wouldn't tell me what happened, only that it was an accident, he was lucky and other people weren't so lucky.

Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have asked and should just settle for never knowing what happened. But it was clearly a big deal and quite traumatic, so maybe it would be good for him to talk about it?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think perhaps tell him that you love him, but can see that this still causes him emotional pain - that you would support him and love him if he decides to tell you about it, but that you won't push it until he is ready.

[DameGladys]

It may not be helpful to speculate, but going on probabilities, I'd say car accident.

He obviously has survivor's guilt which is very common if others weren't so lucky. At worst, he could also have been the driver so would then feel an enormous burden of guilt.

I think if you imagine it as some kind of scenario like this, you might find it easier to avoid asking him about it. Then say what WWIFN says.

[MathsMadMummy]

how long have you been together?

I think if it were a long-term relationship I'd expect to know TBH, especially as it causes him so much pain both physically and emotionally

I sound harsh but I don't think I could handle not knowing - you're more patient than I am.

It does sound like survivor's guilt and may even be PTSD. Based on this, and the fact he finds it so difficult to talk about, suggest to me that he needs psychotherapy to 'get over it' so to speak. To literally not be able to talk about it is not normal IYSWIM

[secunda]

It's been 3 years.

He is very paranoid about my safety. I have to text him when I arrive after a long journey and he won't 'let' me cross the road if the green man isn't there (quite sweet really). But I know this is a bit of a PTSD symptom, my grandfather was paranoid about all our safety and it was because of things that happened in the war.

I do find it quite hard not knowing, because it is ongoing IYSWIM because he is still injured

[MathsMadMummy]

have you asked if he's had therapy about it? you could find that out without him telling you what happened. seriously, sounds like he needs it.

[lazarusb]

If you know where he lived at the time you could try back issues of local papers but this could open up a whole can of worms.Maybe it involved someone close to him or a child. In your shoes I would want to know, however, I was in an abusive relationship and there are things my dh doesn't want to know about some of the things that happened. Try not to pressure him but I would encourage him to have some counselling. I think he's trying to protect you- he clearly is find it hard to overcome.

[LynetteScavo]

Would any of his friends/family be willing to discuss it with you?

Obviously you don't want to be going behind his back, but if you think over all it might help him.....

[Jux]

Are you sure you want to know? You have no idea what it was and what his part in it was. Some things are better left alone.

[secunda]

I don't really want to ask anyone else about it. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family anyway, and I would only want to know through him. I'm pretty sure he did nothing that was his fault, at least in a criminal way (drunk driving or whatever). AFAIK he has never been prosecuted, banned and his car insurance is pretty cheap. It is hard not knowing but I respect his right to keep secrets from me if that's what he really wants.

[nancydrewrocks]

TBH I think it is a bit odd that you haven't discussed this before. You've been together three years and frankly I think it is unfair for him to keep something which is an ongoing part of your life (due to the pain) from you.

The only reasonable explanation I can think for him not sharing the details with you is he feels you might jusdge him. If you have supported him, reassured him and that you will love him whatever the story then I am sorry but he is behaving unfairly.

[secunda]

I have asked him before, but all he would say is 'It was an accident' with a 'conversation over' tone. He was in the forces at this point, so it could be something to do with that. I have reassured him that I love him whatever but for some reason I don't think he believes me.

He has got better - in the beginning he wouldn't accept any sympathy from me if the pain was bad and would push himself to do things. But now he will let me make a bit of a fuss of him

[nancydrewrocks]

I guess it depends how strongly you feel you need to know.

Personally I don't think you should be considering this from the "maybe he ought to talk about it" angle. That is his decision to make and a very personal one.

However I don't believe that secrets are healthy in a serious committed relationship and the fact that he thinks it is acceptable to keep such a significant part of his past secret would raise a red flag to me. that is not to say you have to do the full on emotional lets talk about it convo but I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to say something along the lines of

"it troubles that me that you keep such a significant part of your past from me, I would very much like you to confide in me. I accept that you do not want to discuss the details of this but I love you very much and feel I need to know what it is that is affecting you in this way"