Equal parenting versus one home - thoughts?

[tizzywotnot]

I started a thread earlier with regards to my H and I separating. We are still in the very early stages of the process but I would appreciate any thought or links to decent info.

My H wants 50% shared residency with the dc. I believe that he is a fantastic father and has thus far been an equal parent and so should continue to be. The dc have a very close relationship with him so I have no qualms on that score.

I guess what I'm worried about is the impact on them as a result of living between two homes. We would make every effort to ensure that they very much felt at home in both houses (which will be within walking distance of each other), and we have agreed that it is also obviously best to maintain a degree of flexibility over it all.

Am I right in thinking that it really is best for them to have that equal relationship with their father even though is means having two home? I am really worried about how this will affect them in the long run. Any experiences or advice would be much appreciated.

Oh, they are 5 and 4 btw.

[skidoodly]

"We would make every effort to ensure that they very much felt at home in both houses (which will be within walking distance of each other), and we have agreed that it is also obviously best to maintain a degree of flexibility over it all."

Your children are very lucky to have two parents able and willing to arrange life around them after the marriage has ended.

Sorry, no advice, but I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with experience of this kind of thing,

[cestlavielife]

if you both are fine about it then they will be too.

[NicknameTaken]

If you both have goodwill and trust each other as parents, then you can test out an arrangement on a trial basis, and see if the dcs are happy.

If you don't trust the other person and it ends up in court, you should be aware that the courts like to preserve the status quo, and it would be hard to pull back from the father having them 50%.

Given that the houses would be within walking distance of each other, I think the 50% could end up working very well. I don't think that 2 houses in itself need be a problem (think of all those well-off families with weekend homes!)

[Snorbs]

My ex and I did 50:50 for six months when our DCs were a couple of years older than yours. We did it as one week at one home, the next week at the other. There were daily phone calls too. For young children a whole week without seeing the other parent may be a bit long. Try it and see.

Both homes being close together will help enormously, as will strenuous efforts from both parents to co-operate and compromise.

It didn't work for us not because 50:50 was the wrong choice but because my ex couldn't look after the DCs properly. From the sound of your situation, though, I think it would be well worth a try.

And well done to both of you for putting your children's needs and feelings first and trying to do the best for them at what must be such a difficult time.

[tizzywotnot]

Thank you so much for replying.

NicknameTaken - yes,there is definitely trust between us there.

Snorbs - thanks for sharing. H and I both feel that long periods away would be too upsetting for all, so the way we envisage it at the moment is very much on a one-two daily basis. I know that would really require a lot of tolerance, work and co-operation on our parts!

[wahwah]

Any thoughts about the children staying put and you adults moving between houses? Although it seems that you are both so focussed on the children that they'll be fine whatever you choose.

[Snorbs]

Getting the balance right over how long the DCs spend at each home is a tricky one. On the one hand, too much time at each home can lead to the DCs missing the other parent. On the other hand, too short a time in each home can lead to the DCs feeling unsettled as well as complicating the schedule to the extent that the DCs aren't sure where they're going to be and when. We settled on week-on, week-off as it was a simple schedule that could be easily explained to the DCs. We also had change-over on a Friday; one parent would take the DCs to school, the other would pick them up. That way it gives the DCs a bit of "breathing room" between different homes.

If my ex had been more reliable and responsible then one of the changes I was thinking of trying was to keep the week-on, week-off thing but to add a Tuesday Dinner with that week's non-resident parent. And/or things like Skype can help, too.

[tizzywotnot]

wahwah - no, tbh I don't think either of us could really handle that.

Snorbs - yes I agree re the balance. I'm wondering if aiming for two days as opposed to one is the way forward.

[traumaqueen]

Mine were 17 and 14 when we started 50:50 sharing. On a practical level it was fine once they learned not to forget crucial stuff when moving between houses. Emotionally it has been ok - bumpy at times and I am still not sure it's the right solution for one of the DCs because it means he can slide between the radars. Also XDP wasn't such a hands on dad. But as a principle I think it can work really well - two committed and responsible parents is definitely a good thing!

[DONTtouchMUMMYSpecialJUICE]

i know someone who does sharing and they do

50:50 where its 3/4 dasys at each house rather than a full week alternating. they do a swap at wkd and swap midweek so they both get some of the wkd where they are off work to enjoy the dc.

i think its a great thing you get on great and this will work.

good luck.

[greeneyes747]

We've been doing exactly that for just over 3 months now (kids are 11 and 13 tho) and so far it's worked really well. Kids do forget things but can walk over to the other house if really necessary - always phone first though.

We thought about us alternating between houses rather than the kids but I didn't think it would work - I need my own space, not constantly living in someone else's stuff (or have him still living in mine).

People keep telling me the important thing is parents who aren't constantly fighting - if you have an ok relationship (and it sounds like you do)then the kids will be good.

Hope it works out for you.

[jollyma]

I have friends who have a fab 50:50 arrangement thats been going for 2 years. Kids are now 7 and 4. One parent has kids mon to wed school drop then other collects from school wed till fri drop off. Then alternate weekends. Only thing that makes me uneasy is that kids talk about mums house or dad's house and not MY house.

[iskra]

A friend has a 2-2-5 split - so the kids spend let's say Mon/Tues with dad, then Weds/Thurs with mum, then Fri through till Mon morning with dad - then the next week it's flipped over, & mum gets the 5 day stretch. She says it works really well for her kids who are 6 and 4.

[Bonsoir]

My DSSs have a fortnightly schedule:

• Friday/Saturday/Sunday/Monday: their mother's house

• Tuesday/Wednesday: our house

• Thursday: their mother's house

• Friday/Saturday/Sunday: our house

• Monday/Tuesday: their mother's house

• Wednesday: our house

• Thursday : their mother's house

However, when their mother has long work trips they stay with us on top.

And the holidays are split in half, over the year.

It works out at 50:50.

[tizzywotnot]

Thanks for these replies. It's really reassuring to hear from people who are doing it/have done it. Make me feel less like an evil monster who is about to ruin her dc's live forever!

[venusandmars]

We did 50:50 split from when dds were 1 and 5 (now 17 and 22).

In the main it worked really well, just as others have described. We did not live far apart so if dds forgot gym kit / homework etc, we could go and pick it up.

In their teens, both dds got a bit stroppy about having to move around - partly 'cos they had to think about what to take with them on changeover day (and teenagers would rather not think about anything) and partly becuase they would want to be with whoever was giving them least hassle at the time .

Xdh and I had civilised relationship, which helped greatly. In the early years most conversation was about practical arrangements (paying for big expenditure, favourite toys, any child health issues), in later years it was more about jointly re-inforcing same boundaries (reporting on midemeanours, school problems, agreeing same line on computer use or staying out late).

Only big worry was when Xdh was offered job in USA. Tbh, I think he gave it up to keep stability for dds.

[Bonsoir]

"partly becuase they would want to be with whoever was giving them least hassle at the time."

Yes, this is definitely an issue!

[tizzywotnot]

This is all good stuff for me to think about, cheers.

[jollyma]

Someone above mentioned holidays. My friends have a set agreement for summer hols eg mum has kids first 2 weeks, dad next two, then mum one and dad final week. Stays same each year so that holidays can be booked etc.

[VintageGardenia]

We did something almost identical to what Bonsoir described between the ages of about 6 and 9, then found it a bit too fractured so went week on, week off, which I thought I would never get used to . However we were strict with ourselves (i.e. about not doing what suited our needs) and I am now used to it and it works well. We have a very good relationship though, as parents.

There are things that become frustrating - where are those particular pyjamas, who has the spare school tie, or whatever - and one piece of advice would be swallow those things yourself - don't pass the stress of it on to your children, and try to be as organised as possible.

One thing that I was worried about was the idea of home - what is home? Someone advised me to have the idea of home as a state of mind, or a feeling, rather than a bricks-and-mortar place. I'm not sure I quite achieved that though, perhaps because I am quite homey myself and sentimental about places.

5 and 4 - they are still young, and in later years you will reap a hundredfold the efforts you make for them now. You sound conscientious. Good luck .

[Daffydilly]

My DH has had this 50/50 arrangement with his ex since they split 5 years ago. We have been together 4 years. The kids spend 3 - 4 days at a time in each house so no long spells without seeing either parent. The days stay the same so they are aware of where they will be on certain days. It is very stable and they are doing really well with it. They sometimes get grumpy cos something they want is at their Mums but it's really up to them to learn to organise themselves as they get older. They are now 7 & 9. I think it may change as they get older as they will want to be where their friends are but at the moment it's really the best I think.