DDs (10 and 8) finding granny annoying - think she crowds them and talks to them like toddlers

[hatwoman]

any tips? The problem is, in a sense, that they kind of have a point. She completely adores them but, I guess as a result, is sometimes a bit over excited about things they do. She does also crowd them a bit, hugging them when perhaps they don;t want to be hugged. dd1 is 10 - and trying to grow up - perhaps at an earlier age than we all did (so maybe granny doesn't realise) - and finds it all particularly annoying.

I've told them that whilst I can see it's a bit annoying, it's granny and it's because she loves them so much. and I've tried to say that indulging her would be very grown up of them.

Is there anything else I can/should do? It breaks my heart to see a distance growing between them - but, short of saying something to mum, I don't see what else I can do. If I did say something I'm sure it would hurt her - but she'd never let on. all tips gratefully recieved...

[cyb]

I dont think you should do anymore than you already have

They have to be polite
She is just being cuddly

We are only on this earth a short time and need grannys

[usualsuspect]

poor granny ...she loves them..

[bananalover]

Say nothing, she could be really hurt.
explain to kids that this is what grannys do, and to make the most of it...wish my gran was still here!

[hatwoman]

thanks cyb. she's 80 this year - but the way she's going I'm fully expecting her to see 90. (she and her friends run a lunch club for the "old" people in the village. she helps out at the village toddler group. she's a star) but she's not going to be around forever

[hatwoman]

cross-posted - and thanks others too. you'r confirming my instinct.

[zipzap]

I think you're right not to say anything directly to your mum.

oh the other hand, I think that if she were to discover what her gc were thinking and feeling about her, she would be hurt and upset - not just by what they were feeling but that nobody had told her so she could adapt her behaviour if she hadn't realised that they felt that way and that things are different nowadays.

Maybe you could start just dropping things into the conversation about how quickly they grow up these days, so much quicker than you did. Or use any forthcoming celebrations (birthday, end of term, swimming 100m, whatever) to start just mentioning about how grown up they are getting. and reminisce about when you were getting older and how she dealt with you when you were this sort of age (or even stage if you think they are ahead of you at this point ) - if you could make it sound like you are asking her for advice rather than telling her info she might not realise what you are up to?

Anyhow, good luck because I am sure that your dds would love to have a more grown up relationship with their gran if it is at all possible and your mum - whlist she might lament the passing of them being little and cuddly etc - might also relish the challenges of getting to know and understand her new more grown up gds too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would also say that they should be both polite and considerate to their Gran when they meet - but this should work both ways. That can sometimes be forgotton by the adult and it can feel uncomfortable for the child.

This is not an insurmountable problem but it requires tact.

There is no way I would want my DS to cuddle any rellie he did not want to at that time; even my Mum realises that and does not push it if her grandson does not want to give her a hug. I say to my son that it is fine either way to either hug or not hug his grandparents. Its his choice and I am not going to get upset with him either way. BTW sometimes he still does hug his relatives.

My Nan and Grandad are now deceased but when my Dad used to take us children over to see them we were not expected to hug them at any point if we did not want to.

[lillybloom]

I agree with Atilla. I don't think children should have to hug and kiss adults they don't want to. As long as they are still polite and kind.

My 8 yr old still hugs his old granny and she loves the fact that its his choice to hug her.

[Conundrumish]

Could you confide in your mum that you are a bit upset that your children are growing up so fast and are beginning to not like being cuddled/not need the same level of interest in what they are doing? You could ask whether she finds the same - it might get her thinking.

[pagwatch]

Actually I think that at 8 and 10 they should put up with being hugged and kissed by a loving ranny

I never made my DCs go anywhere near anyone they didn't want to when they are small.
But at 10 and 8 I would not have any problem saying..

'it sucks, you don't want a hug but she does. She is your gran and she loves you and you are quite old enough to understand that to be kind the right thing to do is suck it up and give her a hug'

When my dad died my DS1 was 10 and he found it very difficult when my mother turned up a few months afterwards with a new man.
But he was going to be polite. He did not have to be friendly but he had to be polite.

And for me refusing a hug from your 80 year old granny when you are 8 or 10 is impolite.

I would listen to their griping , I would even sympathise. But tough shit. Their gran deserves a gesture of affection and at her age telling her to back off is unesseacrily hurtful to salve a pre-teens delicate sensibilities.

A more distant or disinterested relative would be told to back off but granny....

[pagwatch]

I am not sure what a loving ranny is. It sounds worrying...

[Bonsoir]

I think it is very common for GPs to not see that their GCs are growing up, and to treat them as younger than they are - and they feel infantilised/patronised/resentful/frustrated by this.

I don't think that your DCs have to put up with this - I think you need to explain this to their grandmother, probably more indirectly than directly (though you will have to work out for yourself which techniques are actually getting through). Basically you need to help their grandmother grow up with them, or else the relationship will become a false one - and there is no point in that, as it will quickly fizzle out, and that will be everyone's loss.

[Bonsoir]

pagwatch - I don't understand why you think that encouraging a false relationship is desirable.

I often have to tell my mother exactly where the children are - and DP has to tell his parents. They don't always know, because they don't see the children regularly. They are always happy to be told, in order that they may adjust their expectations and stay on the right wavelength with the GCs for as long as possible.

I don't want my children to be "polite" to their GPs - I want them to have a genuine, affectionate, loving two-way relationship with them.

[LadyBiscuit]

I agree with Pag.

[SingingTunelessly]

Fgs people it's a kiss and a hug for their 80yo granny.

Totally agree with Pag.

[pagwatch]

I wouldn't force them to hug a stranger because that would be bizarre.

I have no problem with making them hug their grandmother who they love dearly. I have always expected them to behave towards her as is appropriate given her great affection for them and their genuine love for her. They should show it in a way that is meaningful for her and does them no harm.

The op has not suggested that her children do not like or love their Gran, merely that they are being a bit precious in the way that children who wish to be reagrded as older then they are can sometimes. My children are as capeable as whining that things are 'lame' as anyone but I chose when that is relevent.

My Dh wouldn't tell me what to do because I am an adult. I do not need my manners shaped hopefully. As it is I would kiss his mother in greeting because that is what good manners dictate.

I regard teaching my children what is just and appropraite as part of my job.

And to be clear. If the OP said that her children did not like their granny, or they had a difficult relationship, or if they had any meaningful reason then I would say they should be allowed to refuse and would speak with Granny

But from what I have read the children are simply tryingto avoid something that feels childish. I wouldn't go with that reason.

But lets start talking about control and abuse because that is really good to get an irrational insult fuelled thread going

[Bonsoir]

This thread is reminding me of when DD stayed with my mother last summer - so DD was 4.9 at the time. When DD stays at my parents' house on her own my mother shares a room with her because my parents' room is way off down a corridor and my mother is quite deaf and she is terrified of DD waking in the night and not being heard. Anyway, my mother slept in my room (large double bed) with DD and, apparently, when DD woke in the morning and wanted to wake Granny, she did so by stroking her face. My mother said that she hadn't woken to strokes and such an adoring gaze for longer than she could remember...

[pagwatch]

Ditto
My mother was here on Thursday
DD is 7. My mother had told her that if she needed Granny she could wake her in the night as she is just across the hall.
the next morning I woke my mum to find DD in there... DD had 'needed something' about 20 mins after we all went to bed. It was a hug apparently and she stayed there all night.

[shongololo]

my son (10) hates public displays of affection, but secretly still loves to climb on my lap (ooof!) for a cuddle. All his friends are the same.

Methinks they doth protest too much.

I think telling them to accept she wants to love and cuddle them as it is normal granny behaviour, and they will have to get on with it. tell them it could be worse - she could smell of wee and wear bright orange lipstick which they will leave plastered on your cheeks and forehead.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Alot depends on context and full extent of overcrowding/being talked to like tolders. If it's just a rather big cuddle at the start and end of a visit, and a few "baby" words, just in front of the family, that's one thing and I would say the girls need to suck it up. If its expectation that they sit on her lap for half the afternoon/ no age appropriate conversation/baby words in front of their friends I think they have the right to some boundaries and a little bit of respect. Could you perhaps say something to Granny like the girls are very into XXX, I'm sure they'd love to tell you about it and gently encourage her to think of them as a bit more grown up?

[TheSmallClanger]

I can see both sides here, which is unusual for me.
One of the things I regret about one set of my grandparents dying/becoming senile when I was young, and the other not getting on with our family, is that I never got the chance to relate to them as an older person. I'm quite envious of friends who still have doddery old grannies who they take to bingo and swap crochet patterns with, or even share a gin and tonic with on a Sunday afternoon.

Could you encourage granny to share some sort of activity with your DDs, instead of doing kiddy stuff? They could all get a lot out of it that way. Obviously, that depends on how often they see her and in what context.