Starting to have some ambivalent feelings about my mum

[Janos]

I just want to start by saying that I love my mum very much and I'd say that basically we have a good relationship.

She has a lot of wonderful qualities and is very kind. She's a loving Grandmother to DS and regularlry tells me what a great job I'm doing bringing him up etc. I'm a LP and live about 120 miles away (this is relevant)

Now I would categorically state she is not abusive or anything of that nature but I am finding her increasingly overbearing and dare I say a bit bullying. My step dad (a lovely man whose opinion I trust) has commented on occasion that she treats me like a child and I feel there's a lot of truth in this. She admits herself she can be quite bossy and domineering.

I'll give an example. DS goes to school soon and I'm having real problems sorting childcare. I'm not ignoring the issue - I am dealing with it. When I started to discuss it with my mum she was ok to start, and offered help but then worked herself up into what I would describe as a state - launching into a detailed description of how I had handled the whole stituation wrong and was causing her enormous stress because she is so worried about me, then issuing with a list of instructions to follow in order to sort it out. When I tried to explain that I acknowledge she was worried but a)it was my problem to sort and b)I had the situation in hand she just got really upset and I felt awful.

Thinking about it this is a pattern of how we relate and I find it quite draining and stressful. I feel as though I am being treated like an incapable teenager who needs mum to sort everything, teenager, not an adult (am in my mid thirties) who is actually quite able to deal with and sorting these issues without inteference/criticism/cajoling/bullying (however well meaning). It's at the point where I am starting to get quite angry but I do feel she is doing this from the best of motives.

Oh dear, this has turned into an essay. What's the best way to handle this? I love my mum and don't want to hurt her but how can I convince her, kindly, to back off?

[Janos]

Bumping, any advice appreciated.

[wearescientists]

Hm do you often ask her opinion/advice?
it sounds like your mum thinks you need help and to be told what to do.

[msboogie]

Don't ask for her help or tell her about your problems.

[animula]

How does she cope with being asked to back-off?

Mine's a lot like this. She just doesn't handle being asked for distance. I've resolved to a. accept I may have to engage in (sometimes unpleasant) skirmishes over individual issues - without ever winning the war of acceptance of my adult competence. (Though that;s not quite true - i think she does accept that - she just doesn't know how to put it into practice) b. tell her as little as possible about my life, and that of the children. Which is a complete pain.

I'm luckier than you - I now have a sister with a child, and she has drawn a lot of the day to day fire. Before my niece cam along, evasion was not really the viable solution it now is.

My suspicion is that you may have to accept that you have to fight your ground. And that this struggle might be over a number of specific issues, and go on a while. You might never, actually, win.

Try, very calmly, pointing out when she's being undermining, or whatever. Point out that your child needs a happy, confident mother, and she's not helping with the creation and maintenance of that. Be prepared to "discuss" your corner. And don't let it get into your head.

Good luck.

[animula]

The combination of bullying and too fragile to be confronted is enormously difficult to deal with.

I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that one should assume they (our mothers!) are adults and can handle discussion/confrontation/the assertion of your boundaries - just as you would, if another adult was having that discussion with you.

[wearescientists]

Dont tell her your problems or ask for her advice, she doesnt cope well with this.

Tell her about your successes and achievements, to raise her opinion and confidence in you. or get off the phone quickly