How can we talk to each other without going on the attack?

[roses2]

Me & my DH have been together since 1998 (we are now age 33 & 32). We have only been living together since August last year due to him having a job where he has been abroad most of the year until last October when he finally got a job near in a stable location where we can both live.

Recently we have been arguing a lot, a huge row about once a month since January for lots of different reasons.

eg this morning we had a huge row because the bathroom shower tap was faulty. He was saying the water was hot only, not enough cold flow. So while he was still in the shower I went and changed the incoming cold water flow rate and said has that made any difference. He kept saying "there is no cold water flow", and we went round in circles for a few min with him giving me the same answer - the same sentance over and over again about there being no cold water flow, when really I wanted to know was it hotter or colder so I could know if me turning the flow rate made any difference or if I was turning it in the wrong direction etc. It was a very heated arguement, no swearing, just me saying he wasn't listening to me and him saying I wasn't listening to him and I should have understood that when I adjusted the flow rate it had no impact. It sounds ridiculous I know but it's had me in tears all morning as it was such a heated arguement about a stupid tap.

I think the root cause is both of us don't listen to each other and hear what each other are saying.

How can we listen to each other? Is there a book or other self help thing we can look at? I told him this morning we should consider counseling since we are argueing regularly with the same root cause of not listening to each other and he said yes that would be good so he is open to it but I am wondering if there is something else we can try first.

[1footinfront]

hi roses

I did a course in the past on Active Listening, its a technique used by counsellors, therapists, social workers and others.

so the tap incident might go a little bit like this :

Roses "Ive come in as it sounds like you are saying that there is only hot flow and no cold flow, is that right
DH "yes thats right"
Roses 'OK well what IM going to do is to turn the hot off and id like you to tell me if you can feel any cold, and at what point"
DH "I cant feel any cold"
Roses "OK the hot water is off now, is there any cold coming out"

Sounds like a long winded way of going about it, but believe me you'll get to the bottom of issues quicker and it should take the heat out of the situation. Including minimising your own frustrations ( eg wtf is he on about this time, its probably fine/ I bet i get blamed for this as well etc!)

Probably not doing so well explaining but Ive had a good nosey around and this might help you. this is fairly simple explanation

kctherapist.blogspot.com/2009/02/active-listening-perfect-gift.html

Should take my own advice more!

[maltesers]

Try to take it in turns to talk. . .trying really hard not to interupt. . .It tends to help put water on the flames.
When talking things through try not to :-
Name call
Swear
Shout
Insult
Walk away when other talking

Also own your own feelings, i.e." I am upset because you . . . ." Rather than say " Your a pig because you. . . ."

Saying "thankyou" when the other person does something good, however small, eg. cup of T for you both.
Saying "sorry" even if its not necessarily your fault.
Speaking with respect to the other person really helps.
When you want him to listen to you about something , find a time that is suitable.. . . When in the kitchen together and its calm. Not try to chat or say how you feel when he has his hands full or is under the bonnet of the car etc.
Hope this helps a bit.

[starsareshining]

I've been in a similar situation recently and bought this book to try to help. It seems to be pretty short and simple so good for a first try. Nothing too heavy. Also thought that since it's a 'relate' book it'd probably be quite reliable.

I must admit that I haven't really read it as I bought loads of self help type books a few months ago after deciding that I need to 'fix' myself. I stupidly decided to try to tackle everything in one go.

Also, I just have to remind myself not to be an idiot. My partner pointed out that I frequently butt in and talk over other people, which I'd never realised before. It was quite a shock. I've realised that I do it all of the time because I think that the other person's talking rubbish and what I have to say is more important or correct. I must have been really annoying other people for the past 22 years!

[maltesers]

Same here STARS. . .I do it too. Its a family trate to but in and talk over people. . .My sister and i fell out over it. We were both doing it to each other. . . .so bad.
Giving each other a turn to speak is really really important.
It takes practice , but it so much better when you do.

How are things going now Roses2 . . What has today been like ??????