I need to get this out.

[WhydidIallowthis]

My Ex:

Had numerous affairs the first of which when I was 7 months pregnant.
Paid for sex.
Used Sex lines and internet porn.
Stole from the family.
Would disappear for days at a time and then just turn up as though nothing had happened.
Never lifted a finger round the house.
Would call me lazy and a bad mother if I ever asked for help with housework or childcare.
Would keep nearly all his wages for himself and use them to drink and gamble.
Ran up massive amounts of debt in both our names.
Was verbally abusive towards me if I ever tried to discuss the above with him.
Was physically abusive to me on at least 10 occasions.
Would drink himself into oblivion almost every night and then never get up with his dc the next day. In two years of primary school he only every took his dc about 6 times even though his shift work allowed him to be home every morning to do it.

All this was my fault apparently because I Nagged him.
Didn't sleep with him enough.
Was trying to cut his balls off as man
Didn't let him be the man of the house

Why did I allow this for so long? Why did I allow my dc to live in this environment for so long? They didn't see any of it I made sure of that.

I just feel so sad and shrivelled. I don't know if I will ever feel right again.

You don't need to reply to this I just wanted to write it down.

[GypsyMoth]

i did too.....ten years of his crap,alot of which was in your list,and some which wasnt

i'll join you in mourning for those lost years.....but dsont waste too much energy on it,move on and make the most of a new life

[SalFresco]

Don't t orture yourself for having let it go on for so long. Focus on the fact you have found the strength to end it now, and on all the many ways in which your life will improve now.

[WhydidIallowthis]

I hate him the most for taking my babies first years away from me. I have blocked a lot of that time out because I was so miserable. I barely remember the first 7 months of ds's life because within weeks he had started disappearing and behaving badly and I developed PND as a direct result.

The thing I do remember though was loving my dc so much, being on a total high with love for them and that should have been all the time not just in the intervals when he wasn't being a complete fucker.

[1footinfront]

Sounds to me like he was rather scary to be around? Sounds to me like he would have ground you right down? Sounds to me like nothing but a bully.

I guess bullies want to make their victims weak, and i'm afraid he has managed to do this, however this relationship is over, you are NOT now allowing this. Not being around this creep is making you stronger every day, surely?

Therefore you have had the strength to say no and create a new life without this bully.

This should be the focus you now choose for yourself, that the old life wasn't good enough for you and your DCs so you have chosen something else for yourselves.

It might also be useful to look to your own parents and the models that they have provided to you in what a relationship should be like. I know this can be painful but it has illuminated things a lot more for me. this might not apply though.

At the end of the day, sounds like your ex was a shit bag. You are moving onto better things. However we all have to have time to grieve not only for the dead relationship, but for the deadening of our own senses and the lost time and opportunities being in a crap relationship can mean.

It is likely to take time, but that isnt a bad thing in itself. We all need time to grieve.

take care from 1foot

[lazarusb]

You have absolutely done the best thing you could do. Not only for you but for your dcs. You are strong, loving and caring, always remind yourself of that- one day you will be so happy you walked away and that you are who you are x