Why cant I just grow a backbone?

[ballstoit]

I have name changed as previously a 'friend' figured I was posting and shared with my DH, cheers!

So, basically my DH treats me like a tw*t, and I seem to let him. Why cant I just get rid, what is wrong with me? We have been together 7 years, he works away, comes home 1 night a week. We have 3 DC and his 2 DS also live with us me.

So, some examples of what he has done;

• walked out on me when pregnant with DC2, did not pay the mortgage and I had to sell the house to avoid repossesion.

• gambled £20k which was half of the proceeds of selling the house (I bought it before we met,so I feel it was mostly my money, particularly as when we got together I paid off £5k that he owed on loan, credit card and tax credit overpayment)

• had some sort of affair while I was pregnant with DC3, wont admit he slept with her but I found out that they had been having secret meetings and pretty over affectionate text messages were exchanged.

• Has just had a £140 mobile bill, when I check why it's so big it turns out he's been ringing and texting a particular number. Up to 30 or 40 times a day, including when DC3 was very poorly in hospital and he was looking after the other kids.He admits it is a woman but again insists that they have only spoken and texted. Apparently she's an old friend from school.

• Has just had his first five days off since last June, and has done nothing in the house. Nor done anything with the kids. Has mainly sat around reading the paper, fell asleep on the sofa or watched rubbish on the TV. While I was running around entertaining kids in half term and throwing a party for DSS birthday.

He criticises me constantly. The house is untidy,I dont discipline the kids enough, I'm too strict with the kids, I have no friends, nobody really likes me, I'm thick, I dont live in the real world and I'm every horrible name yoou can imagine calling someone.

So basically, why am I putting up with this? Yes, I worry about how I would manage financially, and yes, I dread that I would lose contact with DSS's who I've brought up for the last 7 years. But seriously, I cant live like this for the rest of my life so why dont I just chuck him out and live with it?

Sorry, was a bit of a ramble but I'm at the end of my tether.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

He is an abusive twat.

Get rid.

[Mummiehunnie]

I was similar, although you seem to have had a lot of different issues to cope with!

It took a long time to grow a backbone, it took a lot of work on my part, and it was not easy at all, people around you hate you changing, as they want you to change but into someone other than who you are now or who you will grow into if you have a backbone, you will get lots of abuse and resistance to growing, they will be confused and there will be ripples in your life.

If you really want changes to happen, you need to make long term plans, women's aid will help you with some of these, also what may be usefull to you is start counselling and making small regular savings, the savings advice was something a friend advised me to do and I wished I had done it!

To start with if you really do want answers as to why you are behaving the way you are there is a book "the games people play" by eric berne, it can give you insight to your games and the games of others, most people play games even if they don't understand and it is uncounsious!

best of luck with growing into a new person that is happy and does not allow others to walk all over you x

[NicknameTaken]

Sometimes it's good to be at the end of your tether. Because that means you know it's time to untether yourself.

I think you know the answer here. Get rid of him. You worry about how you'll be financially? Even if there is less money coming in, you won't have to worry about him gambling your money or having to pay his debts. You worry about losing contact with your DSSs? They must be old enough by now to be able to contact you independently - email or facebook or whatever.

It's hard and scary to make the change, but you won't regret it.

[ballstoit]

My DSS's are 10 & 8, so nearly old enough. I've been telling myself to hold out a few more years, til the baby is at school and DSS's can make choices for themselves. But, in the meantime DC are growing up thinking that this is how adults behave.

Have to go, tea to make etc, but will be back later.

[Mummiehunnie]

I love the fact that you are looking at this from your kids viewpoint, that allowing this continue is showing them this is how families behave, and in doing so you are cutting the cycle for them x

Best do it before high school etc for the oldest, now he is safe in junior school x

Kids of 10 and 8 can make choices for themselves, they are old enough to understand and make choices now.

[CarGirl]

If I give you a kick up the backside would it help you?????

I am that you are putting up with it, he is a cocklodger and you are free childcare/nanny for his dc and a free shag too.

[CheekyBigBrotherFan]

Tell him to pack up and fuck off.

Hes got the best of both worlds this guy.

He has a home, children who he sees when hes home, a wife who cooks, washes, looks after his kids and does everything for him, and then he has his mistress. Lovely!

Life of riley he has.

Get rid of him.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

He will have to provide for you financially and if he fucked off didn't wouldn't it still be better than looking after this extra child man?

Where does he sleep for the other 6 nights?

[Saffysmum]

I think you know what you have to do, but like a lot of ladies who have lived with somebody who constantly nags and criticises, your self worth is rock bottom. You are worth so much more, and he possibly belittles you to keep you under his thumb. However much it hurts, kick him out; and if you find it too much - ask yourself this: how much more can you take of the way things are now? Good luck.

[ballstoit]

Thanks ladies,everything you say is true. The whole situation is just exhausting. I'm sick of relying on him for money, which he withholds if I dont do stuff he thinks I should do.

In reality, my DSS's will not have a choice, they will end up living with their mum I guess, cos DH is too piss poorly organised to remember to feed them.

I know what I should do,I really do but it all just seems like really hard work.And I'm so angry that I will be stuck at home and skint while he'll be living the life of Riley.

[Mummiehunnie]

maybe it is easier to do nothing and live with that anger and the situation, than to do all that you have to do to split and still be angry, it is exhuasting to deal with a breakup, never mind add children into the mix, what do you think you can do in the mean time to deal with your feelings?

[ballstoit]

I've spoken to my sister a lot but I think she's getting to the point where she thinks I should just kick him out! Other friends know bits of stuff but I dont want to tell them the extent of his behaviour.

I keep expecting him to change, surely he must see what an arse he is.

[whatname]

So you have 3 children with him, and 2 step children that live with you?
Or do they split time with their mum?

[whatname]

sorry just re-read! how much time do they spend with their mum?

[ballstoit]

They spend one night a week at their mum's. We supposedly split hols 50/50 but generally their mum has them less, last week (half term) she had then sat-mon.

I also feel pretty angry that due to my DH being an arse his kids could miss out. They have been doing really well at school since coming to live with us last December. Have also started clubs and have become noticeably more confident and happy.Even their mum has commented on this.

[Plumm]

Where is your DH for the 6 nights he isn't with you? Surely splitting up will just be on eless night he's with you, but you won't have to put up with any of his crap.