scary to leave dc with ex who hates you

[NicknameTaken]

Just that. Ex is absolutely furious at me right now because I didn't do a big favour that he requested. He has a history of using DD as a weapon against me to punish me, usually by disappearing with her (for hours when we were together; and since the split, not answering his phone for days on end during his access).

Oh, it was hard to hand over that trusting little 2-year this morning, as required by the court order. He wouldn't look at me or talk to me. He won't answer his phone for the whole weekend now. I've already tried calling - though I know it plays into his hands - and he hung up. If he doesn't turn up for the handover on Monday, I can go to his place with the police (again), but there's nothing I can do till then.

He loves her, but it's such a weird, possessive, controlling love that it doesn't seem healthy to me. It's all about him owning her. Seriously, towards the end of our relationship (and a big part of what made me end it), I had to get his permission to hold her or to do anything for her.

I can't break off contact with a "loving" father (and violate a court order) based on just inchoate fears. Some of this is me allowing him to play me - he likes me to be afraid, because he can't get at me in any more concrete ways. Ugh. I should just stiffen my upper lip and remember that DD has always been fine with him before. But it's hard to shake off the sense of dread which he deliberately cultivates. I somehow need to act breezy with him to avoid letting him know what a powerful strategy this is.

Should be in Lone Parents but posting here for traffic, though I'm not even sure what response I'm looking for. Reassurance that DD will be okay? Anyone with a crystal ball?

[mankymummymoo]

He loves her. He won't hurt her.

Its you he wants to hurt.

Try and relax.

Is there a mutual friend that you can trust to check on her without him knowing?

i do know how you feel - i used to be so anxious about DS going to ex's that I would literally caffeine myself up all night incase the phone rang and i didnt wake up.

Needless to say DS is fine and now so is my relationship with ex.

[Jamiki]

Sorry for you.

Diarise and document his behaviour for court.

Good luck.

[NicknameTaken]

Thanks, manky. I literally have tears in my eyes just from the comfort of your post.

I did the mutual friend thing at Christmas when he didn't answer the phone for 4 days (that's also when I had to go round with the police when he wouldn't take my calls to arrange the handover back to me). Can't do it this weekend.

I'm still at work because there's something I need to do by Tuesday morning but I can't concentrate.

[mankymummymoo]

bless you love.

honestly, she will be fine.

if you can't concentrate tonight go home and have a bath and relax. work tomorrow.

when is she due back?

[clam]

No experience of this, but feel for you and didn't want this to go unanswered.

x

[NicknameTaken]

But court for what, Jamiki? We have a court order saying I'm the residential parent and laying out his access. Should I be trying to stop access altogether or reduce it? Because I don't think his behaviour crosses the line in such an obvious way that I would be successful. And if he does love her and is good for her, I wouldn't want her to have less contact. It's all these vague fears (paranoia?) that I find hard to deal with.

[NicknameTaken]

Thanks. Just need to take some deep breaths. I feel better after writing it down.

[GypsyMoth]

getting police involved will be crossing that line....making you do that. courts know all about men using contact to control/manipulate/scare their ex's.....

[SolidGoldBrass]

NNT - are you or have you been in touch with Women's Aid? They might be able to help.

For some reason it's occurred to me that I might remember your back story before you left him, don't want to out you or drag it up but if this was the man who said something along the lines of your baby DD needing to learn that she was less important than 'her parents' relationship' (I don't want to post anything too obvious but there were some very wierd things he said/did) then I very much understand your concern, because the XP in that poster's threads was a fucking psychopath.

[NicknameTaken]

Funnily enough, SGB, I think that's the second time I've been asked if I was that individual! No, mine was less subtle. An example: he had turned on me for no reason and I asked what he actually wanted of me. He said: "Just do what's right! If I held DD upside down, you'd know if it was wrong! If I threw DD out of the window, you'd know it was wrong! So if you know what's wrong, why can't you know what's right?" Lots of that kind of thing - not making a direct threat, but implanting horrible ideas into my mind.

Sorry to post and run but I'm finally taking manky's advice and leaving the office now!

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK, glad (sort of) that you are not her, as her XP sounded so incredibly nuts and dangerous that I would be horrified at the thought of him having unsupervised access to a child.
Mind you, yours doesn't sound much better. Have you talked to Women's Aid? If you have evidence of him doing/saying wierd scary things you might be able to insist on supervised access only.