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I think my mum might be anorexic

5 replies

EmilyBronte · 26/05/2010 20:17

I'm not sure if this is the right topic for this, but can't think where else it might go.

I'm very very worried about my mum. To cut a long story short, she has always had issues with food. She was a plump child, and although never fat as an adult, she has always had quite a warped view of her size and strange food habits. I was anorexic at university and after a lot of therapy am now very well (and proud of myself for being so) and understand a lot of where it stemmed from including my mother's influence. (She is 68 by the way).

Anyway, 18 months ago my brother died. Bloody awful time for my family and understandable that my mum should lose weight. She lost loads. But it wasn't so much the weight loss, it was the behaviour that accompanied it. It's basically anorexic behaviour. Now she is a size 6 (approximately - I base that on the fact that she fits into a size 8 dress that I used to wear pre-kids and there was room in it) and tells us how thin she is with a strange mixture of pride and anxiety, which I so recognise from my illness. She is also incredibly defensive if you raise it with her, saying that she eats loads and always telling us how much chocolate she eats (trouble is, sometimes two chocolates are the only food she'll eat all day).

She was staying the other day and I saw her in her nightie - her body looked like a teenager's. So I am very very worried. And I just don't know what to do. Can anyone offer me some help please?

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Irishchic · 26/05/2010 21:03

I think that you should broach this with her gently and explain that you are very very worried about her. Try and persuade her to get to a GP and be referred for counselling.

I also had anorexic tendencies for a period of a few years when I was around 20. What made me stop in my tracks was when my older sister took me aside one day and told me how all my family were worried sick about me and I just realised that I couldnt put the people who l loved most in the world through that heartache and worry. I decided there and then to get help and try and put on weight. Luckily I am very much better now and have been this last 15 years now.

Your mum loves you and if you put your concern and worry before her in very plain terms it might be enough to jolt her into getting help.

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EmilyBronte · 26/05/2010 21:39

Hi Nikita, and thanks for the advice. I did try and raise it with her a while back - wrote her a letter saying how worried we all were about how thin she was. She replied saying that she was eating really well and we weren't to worry. Perhaps I worded it badly. Part of me wonders whether, having struggled with her weight most of her life, she now actually likes being thin and is kind of enjoying the attention it brings her. I don't know, I'm just speculating.

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ItsGraceAgain · 26/05/2010 22:09

Oh, dear. I can see why you're worried. At the same time, you must be careful not to parent your parent - so what to do? Since your letter didn't work, and your experience will tell you that nagging's counter-productive: there's not much you can do, is there?

18 months isn't long after the death of a child, you know. She could still be grieving. Do you know whether she's content enough? Might she be persuaded to talk to someone about her feelings? I'm thinking about how anorexia makes you feel in control - even kind of pure - and wondering if starvation is her way of making sense of an unfair world.

For the time being, a size 6 probably isn't too bad but, as you'll be aware, she'll be at risk of heart attacks and organ failure if she continues to lose. I think I might be inclined to phone her doctor and/or send a note, so that the potential problem is at least on her file.

For both your sakes, I hope she makes a spontaneous recovery - and congratulations on yours, by the way

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Irishchic · 26/05/2010 23:27

I agree with ItsGrace but I also wonder whether it might be worth actually having the chat face to face? It is too easy for your mum to avoid the heartache she is causing when she is hiding behind a letter. If she could see you face to face, see your anxiety and pain with her own eyes it might be more persuasive...

Worth the shot anyhow. I echo the suggestion re your mother's GP. You might also speak to a counsellor yourself to see how best to deal with and approach this problem. You could get some very helpful advice from someone trained in this area.

Good luck. Your mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter.

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EmilyBronte · 27/05/2010 07:37

Thank you both, I really appreciate the advice. I will try speaking to her again (so difficult to get her on her own without kids around!) All you say makes sense and I hadn't thought of talking to a counsellor. Not sure I'll go down the GP road as she doesn't rate him much, but also something to think about. I really appreciate your help.