A question about happiness

[tametiger]

I have posted here before about my own relationship with someone who has made me very unhappy and received a lot of support from MNers (saga of the broken ankle etc). There seem to be a lot of women out there who suffer the most horrendous and/or unsatisfying relationships yet they keep soldiering on for whatever reason.
All my relationships with men, starting with dad, have been difficult and often abusive to some degree and I think that's what I have got used to.
I have always felt that I have to have someone 'there' so have put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. I have been seeing a counsellor who has raised the question of whether these relationships have made me 'happy' and if not, why am I there? Big question.
Are relationships supposed to make us happy? If they don't deliver or make us positively unhappy, do we get out?
I know this is a ramble but I am feeling down today as I have been trying to face up to fact that someone I thought cared about me just doesn't. Looking for grains of comfort I suppose.

[DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE]

have you ever tried to be on your own for a significant period?

or do you bounce from relationship to relationship with very little single time inbetween?

[tametiger]

I don't think I have been on my own since I left my dad's house to get married at 20 - aeons and two marriages ago.
I spend a lot of time on my own and am happy with my own company, run my own home and have been a more or less single parent. It just feels frightening to be without that 'special' connection, even when the relationship is more miserable than happy.

[LoveMyGirls]

I reccomend you read two books that will help you imo.

Marian Keyes - Last chance saloon, I finished reading it last night, couldn't put it down, it's about a group of friends one of which has a boyfriend that makes her unhappy and all her friends dislike him.

Women who love too much - I read this when I was trying to leave my abusive ex and it really helped me understand why we had the relationship that we did and that I was allowing him to treat me badly and I didn't have to.

It's been over 8yrs since I left my ex and I've been with my dh since I broke up with my ex and I'm very happy. IMO life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. It's so nice to not walk on egg shells, to be appreciated, loved, treated like you are special and worth it.

I hope you can find your happiness.

[BertieBotts]

Just to quickly say, I haven't read all the responses because I started writing this a few hours ago and went away and came back to it.

I think that I used to be a bit like this - just needing to be in a relationship rather than not. But then I was so miserable with XP (controlling relationship) that I was just glad to be on my own when I left him and have that freedom to do whatever I wanted, it was such a relief that I was happy to be single. I can honestly say I am much happier being single than in that relationship.

So once I realised that being single was better than being in a bad relationship, I decided that any relationship I had in the future would be on my terms - it's a relationship, not a contract. I should only be with someone if they make me happy, and I have the right to walk away at any time if I am not (for this reason I realised it will be a LONG time and take a VERY special person before I will ever get married, because I think that is more of a commitment - a contract if you like - and I suppose I didn't see it as seriously before.) I am not saying that if a relationship goes through a bad patch that you shouldn't try to make it work, but that you should take things really slowly and make sure you really want each step before you go to that, and it's ok to take a step back to give yourself some space. XP moved very quickly when I first got together with him, and looking back I was not in a great place at the time - all hallmarks of a controlling relationship, I didn't see this at the time though.

I have also come to realise that what I thought before - ie that good men were few and far between - isn't necessarily true, and there's no point staying with someone because you think you'll never meet anyone as good again. And there is no point staying with someone just until someone better comes along, because A, that's not respectful or fair to the person you are with, and B, you're never going to meet someone decent like that anyway, because most decent men will back off if they think you are with someone.

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

Interesting posts.

At the grand old age of 47, I can honestly say I have only just realised that a) I have the right to be happy and b) I am responsible for my own happiness. I know it's a cliche, but life isn't a rehearsal. My parents were of the generation who just put up with anything because of marriage vows and that's pretty much how I was brought up.

I'm in the process of separating from my DH of 24 years. It's fairly amicable although he can't see that it's necessary, presumably because he's been well looked after all this time and pretty much had his own way.

I have no interest in finding anyone else. I lived alone for three years from the age of 18 and do remember it could occasionally be very lonely but I have a stronger network of friends now and my girls are fantastic company. I no longer want to be unhappy and I'm the only person who can change that.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[tametiger]

Thanks to everyone who's responded here. It is heartening to see posts from people who are happier on their own rather than in a miserable or even so-so relationships. I think I must have had my head in the sand for a long time because I didn't want to face reality - ie that I was unhappy and ought to do something about it. I think if you have never known anything but bad situations it is hard to recognise how dire things really are.
I think age is a factor - I am older than TheFutureMrsClooney - so part of me thinks I should just get on with things as it's too late to make a change.
Must get a grip.
Thanks and hugs to you all.