Has daddy kissed another girl?

[helicopterview]

I was in the middle of another string, when my situation got a whole lot worse.

In a nutshell, H comes home drunk and late. I am awake with a sick child, and see he's missed a call from a girl I don't know, check his messages (never done that before) and find an 'I love you' text from this girl. Big loud row follows, he claims it was just kisses, he's now at his mothers while I decide what on earth to do.

We have 2 young boys.

Today, 3 days later, my youngest asks me if daddy kissed another girl. Turns out he heard us arguing.

I say daddy is away at his mums because I am cross about his drunk behaviour, and I need him to be more grown up and responsible. But essentially I brush over the kisses thing, to buy some time.

I am not protecting my H.

I just know that I have an enormous responsibility right now to show my boys what marriage and commitment means.

If I tell them the truth, I will feel I have to take drastic action to let them know men can't treat women like shit. I want then to grow up emotionally intelligent, and kind.

But don;t want to take a position just to make a point to the kids.

Oh shit.

[Elasticwoman]

Really sorry to hear this Helicopter. No advice to give but you sound so thoughtful and kind yourself I am sure you will think it through in an emotionally intelligent way.

The whole thing must hurt. Ouch.

[cakemix]

Hi, how old are your boys?

I've been through something very similar. Take your time, simply told my children daddy had done something bad which had upset mummy. They don't need to know the details.

I totally understand where you're coming from regards marraige and commitment. I struggle everyday still with that one.

[helicopterview]

Boys are 10 and 7. Old enough to know something's up.

[cakemix]

Yeh, mine were roughly the same age. It's tough, incredibly so. The must also be aware of the need for some privacy for you and your husband too, at their age.

Be open and honest to a point. Letting them know that yes, there's a problem and daddy broke a promise to mummy (wedding vows), but you are also teaching them how to work through problems in a relationship - so whatever you decide to do they will learn things aren't black and white in a marraige. Daddy won't "get away" with kissing someone else, they will see the hurt it caused you - I'm sure this will go a long way to teaching them it's not the way to behave in a marraige.

[cakemix]

Sorry, that sounds awfully heavy (marraige vows) - I was referring mainly to my own situation - using what I said to mine as a guide.

[helicopterview]

You are right. Thanks for the benefit of your experience.

You've made me realise as long as the kids learn daddy changed for the better, maybe we'll all benefit in the end.

Assuming that's what actually happens

[cakemix]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It makes you feel like crap doesn't it?

Your boys will be fine, try not to worry too much about the effect on them - kids really are resiliant. I've worried a lot about mine and keeping their home happy and stable no matter what their daddy has done to me, I'm slowly learning that a happy mummy makes for happy kids. Hopefully it'll all work out in the end, ie we won't have to deal with this again.

Wishing you luck

[countingto10]

Helicopter, following your other thread. My DH had an affair over a year ago, we are still together and our marriage is/will be stronger.

Don't do anything drastic in these early days, get some legal advice to find out your rights and seek some counselling, go on your own if your H won't go with you.

Check out WhenwillIfeelnormal's posts - she is very good and get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass which helps you to understand why this happened, how to cope with the initial shock and trauma, and how to proceed from there with healing, repairing the marriage etc. There is also some info on what to tell the DC - we didn't go into specifics with our DC but they did know we had some issues to sort out and that was why daddy wasn't staying in the home for a while. I think we said daddy was very stressed with work and was feeling unwell and needed time away to sort himself out. Our 10yr old was/is very sensitive and is still very anxious if we argue at all. Daddy has told them he is never leaving them again. He did actually leave me for OW for about 5/6 weeks.

It is very early days for you, you have to do what you want - if you don't want him back yet and need more time, tell him. He should be doing everything possible to make amends now. Don't know what it is with these men when they hit their 40's .

Good luck and keep posting. BTW the distancing and becoming more critical of you, that is classic, cliched affair behaviour - they have to do it to justify the affair to themselves ie pick arguments to make themselves believe the marriage is struggling etc.

[helicopterview]

Thank you. That's very encouraging

[Earlybird]

Gosh. How awful.

When did all this happen? Have you heard from dh since he went to him Mum's?

What, do you think, made you check his messages if you've never done it before?

An 'I love you' text seems to indicate more than a casual one-off drunken encounter, sad to say....

[helicopterview]

What made me check was that the call came at 12.30 at night. And I wondered who on earth she was.

If it had been someone I knew, I honestly don't think I'd have checked up, I'd have assumed it was a friend seeing he got home alright in his paralytic state.

I picked up my husband's phone, looked at messages, and this was the first one:

'I love you. Had to leave to see a band. You are my day dream'.

I texted back 'who are you, I am H's wife'

Unfortunately I threw the phone at the wall in ensuing argument, so never did find out if she replied!

[helicopterview]

I took some advice from earlier today and found a post by whenwillifeelnormal:

'Your husband had a range of behaviour choices to fix your marriage if he felt unhappy; having an affair was by far the worst choice and don't you dare take responsibility for that. That was his choice and his alone.

He needs to take full responsibility for his actions and this will only work in the future if he is genuinely sorry, never once blames you for his choices and gets to the bottom of his own character and why he chose to do something he knew was fundamentally wrong'

I am going to remember that. And repeat it to myself.

[AnyFucker]

I haven't seen your other thread

But that text seems a very OTT response to a drunken kiss

I assume you are doing more digging to find out the truth...not settling for the berest minimum he sees fit to tell you ?

[helicopterview]

Well I agree about the text. I phoned a friend of my husbands who I trust and who knows the girl in question, who says she is very OTT in a luvvie way, and that she might say something dramatic like this. While any sane normal woman would never say such a thing unless it's serious.

I don't really know how to dig out the real truth. How can you ever really know?

I threatened to call the girl myself (I took her number from his phone before I trashed it)
but of course decided against that. What could I possibly say?

[AnyFucker]

maybe you can't ever really know for sure

I guess his actions, not his words are the key now

is he suitably contrite...and very, very embarassed ?

or is he subtly trying to blame you or that your relationship has got a bit "humdrum" ?

I would find, personally, that my respect for him had taken a major nosedive for his catastrophic lapse in judgement, if it is true that this girl is known for being a drama queen and "falling in love" after a simple kiss

I would have to show him the door, for humiliating me in that way...I would not tolerate some tosser (whether he was my husband or not) making me the object of pitying gossip...

is he having a midlife crisis or some other such bollocks ?

[helicopterview]

Well, he seems contrite.

We are communicating by email while he's at his mums, and he says he feels sick at what he's done, he wants to give his all to me and the kids, and he's going to see a counselor.

Believe me, my first instinct was to run a mile, and protect myself from further hurt.

But he seems sure he doesn't want this to be the end. He says there is no woman waiting in the wings.

There are kids in the equation, it's not so simple.

But yes, I do not want to be that woman whose man cheated and she just let him back in.

There will have to be some serious analysis by him into what he did wrong. And why.

[AnyFucker]

search for posts by whenwillifeelnormal

she speaks the truth

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Helicopter. Glad my words from another thread helped. Having now read both your threads, I'm afraid my instinct tells me that this was more then just kisses. On your other thread you mention that your H has been distant and negative towards you in recent times, that sex has dwindled to nothing and for me, the last piece in the jigsaw is the message you saw from the OW. Saying "I love you" and "you are my daydream". This suggests far more than a kiss.

In your shoes, I would be trying to find out a lot more and try to timeline when the distancing started. Also give plenty of thought to what you will do if a full sexual affair is uncovered. Your H sounds frightened at the moment and IME, most people lie through their teeth when they are frightened. It is in his best interests to minimise what has been going on and he may even have sworn his friends (and OW) to secrecy.

If you cannot think of another way of getting the information you need, I would advise you to warn your H that if you find out extra information later, you will not hesitate to end the marriage, so what ever has gone on needs to come out now and then you can both decide next steps. He needs to take this threat very seriously.

Even his own reaction suggests there is more to it than this, I'm afraid.

What ever has happened, it is a massive betrayal and if you are of the mind to rebuild, he needs to get to the bottom of why he allowed this.

The words you cut and pasted from another thread are based on my consistent view that affairs are never the fault of the betrayed partner. Everyone has a choice if they are feeling dissatisfied with their marriage.

However, very often I find that women say that the marriage had become lacklustre in recent times and blame themselves for this, when if they get the timelines accurate, it turns out that the marriage only became like this after the OW loomed into view. So do that checking and don't let history get re-written. You might be surprised (and angry) that you have been feeling an undue sense of responsibility for the marriage becoming lacklustre. Distancing is something that goes on prior to every affair in what was previously a perfectly good marriage.

[helicopterview]

Hello WWIFN. I have just been reading other posts of yours, and seeing some relevance to my situation.

The timeline thing will take a bit of working out, and he's said he's kissed this girl 3 times over the last few months. Too vague to work with. By the way, his story on how many times has changed several times.

I like the advice designed to encourage full disclosure now. I have asked him to tell me the whole truth, but I think this threat will have better results.

Thinking about it, there was a breathtaking betrayal of trust to do with an event I organised 3 weeks ago. I let him in on a secret to do with a sale (after much badgering by him). I warned him not to act on it, and he went ahead and bought something he shouldn't have. I got in a lot of trouble. I was devastated and said at the time I really didn't think he cared properly for me.

[baloothebear]

Marrige and commitment are important but they are certainly not one-sidede. Has your dp shown that hye is committed to your marriage by playing around with other girls? You also have a duty to show your sons that you are no doormat or else they will think that it's ok to chaet on women.

[helicopterview]

He has never played around before.

As far as I know.

One thing that makes me think maybe it was just kisses (not that that's OK) is that when I confronted him with the text, has was so drunk, that I doubt he'd have had the mental agility to lie.

[AnyFucker]

he has done this more than once...with the same girl ???????

please, love, let the scales fall from your eyes....

[helicopterview]

Oh dear. Fear you are right.

On that, need to get some sleep.

[estuardo]

You know your own husband far more than strangers on the internet.
Good luck

[AnyFucker]

estuardo...unfortunately, I don't think this lady knows her husband at all