Some advice please about telling the dc

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

So, we have told the DC that we are not happy together anymore. DC not happy but, to be honest, they wont see alot of difference, as h works away in the week, leaving Sunday evening and returning late on a Friday.

Personally, I would rather I never set eyes on him again (affair with younger woman involved).

Main difference for the dc is that h is sleeping in DS's room until we can pull a finger out and permanently move the rooms around so h has a room of his own.

It is getting harder for me because I dont think it is right to tell dc (aged 5, 8 and 11) that their Dad was bonking another woman. But, they obviously dont understand what is wrong and think that I am being horrible to their Dad.

BTW we dont argue or pick at each other as I grew up in an awful relationship like that so dont want my dc to suffer in the same way.

So, what I want to know is, has anyone told their dc the whole story (bearing in mind the ages) or do you think it best to wait until they are older to tell them the truth?

I am getting alot of aggression from DS at the moment and ended up in tears today but feel frustrated because they dont know the whole story.

Any advice greatly appreciated

[oliviasmama]

Don't tell them, they don't need to know IMO. The aggression and bad vibes that your receiving will only change and be aimed towards your H, better for you perhaps but surely just more upset and confusion for your children.

I know you must want to scream but your silence is helping your children.

[gillybean2]

It's good that they are angry at you (sort of). It shows they trust you enough not to leave them and they know you will be there no matter what.

Very hard for you when they see you as the bad guy, but that will change in time as they get older and understand.

Don't tell them the 'truth' now, that won't help them deal with it, it will just confuse them more. But you could perhaps say something along the lines of:
mummy and daddy had a big disagreement about something and it can't be fixed. We both still love you very very much, but we are making each other sad and that makes everyone sad. So we have decided it would be better to be apart so that we can learn to be happy again.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I strongly believe in being honest with children, but would agree that this is not a good time to tell them the gory details. The fact that their parents are splitting up/not happy together, they do need to know. The deeper reasons why their parents are not happy together is heavy stuff which it is not necessary for them to know at this time, and at their current ages I'm sure you're right not to lay it on them, even if it does mean you have to take a bit of flak from them in the short term.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Pretty, having commented on your earlier thread about telling the DCs, I assumed you'd done that as your H was actually moving out. If nothing was going to change however, was there a reason for telling them when you did? It must be a bit strange for them knowing this, but seeing nothing change, so it's a difficult transition period for you all.

I suspect it is you doing the worrying about this and not your H. I actually think he has a responsibility in all this not to make you look like the nasty mummy who is giving up on her marriage and so I think he should say something to them in your presence. If neither of you want the DCs to know that his infidelity was the cause of the break-up, could he say that he let you down terribly over a long period of time and he therefore understands and agrees with your decision to leave the marriage?

I have often thought that in these situations, DCs actually find it helpful to know the truth and it's easier if they know that the breakdown was caused by a behaviour they cannot empathise or associate with. If you say you had a big argument, they might associate "having arguments" as something they do, with eachother and their friends and there is a flawed association between ending a marriage and a one-off argument. Whereas they cannot relate to adultery at all and can be safe in the knowledge that this behaviour doesn't apply to them.

I don't know if this makes sense at all, but from a child's perspective, a marriage breaking up tends to fuel feelings of abandonment and it is terribly important that they know that nothing they do, or did, caused this. It's important they they cannot relate to the behaviour that caused the break-up and it sometimes gives children security if they can think "I would never do that, so it's got nothing to do with me".

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post replies

I was feeling very emotional yesterday, and a bit weepy, due to it being DS's birthday (which does bring back strong memories of having the new baby etc). Then I wanted to take DC out for a pizza to celebrate but DS decided he wanted us to go to a rather expensive Indian restaurant instead. I said no because Pizza was easier/cheaper so he stormed off to his room and refused to come out.

I felt so sorry for my DD's as they had got all dressed up and were excited about going out. I ended up putting sausage rolls in the oven and even then DS refused to join us.

In reality I dont want to tell them what their Dad has done. I know it isn't appropriate. I was just feeling sorry for myself

Whenwilli - I am afraid the situation is confused by H working away. He leaves on Sunday evening and returns on Friday late. We have told the DC because we want to permanently move the bedrooms around so that H has a room to himself (and me!). This means the 2 DD's sharing which they haven't done before. I also know that they know that something is wrong (as we no longer sleep together) and I feel very strongly that they dont see this as a normal relationship, without love or even affection.

We have told them that me and their Dad dont want to be husband/wife anymore and dont love each other but we stressed that we both love them all very much. I also made it clear that they are free to discuss the situation with their friends. I dont want them feeling that this is a big secret that they cant talk about.

I really dont know how long we can put up with this situation. Personally, I would rather not see him but the situation is awkward.

Sorry for the long post - hope it explains my reasons a bit better.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Ah yes, I completely understand now why you wanted to explain things and I applaud you. You are a pretty brilliant Mum, you know?

Empathised hugely with the hissy fit about the restaurant...and I'm not surprised you were feeling emotional and a bit beleaguered.

Do you know what your H is saying to them about the break-up, independently of you? I might be wide of the mark, but I wobder whether he is "playing" them a bit?

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

H isn't a big talker I am afraid, which is partly why we are where we are at the moment!

The only time that I know of when he has discussed our problems with the DC is when DD (8) asked him why I didn't love him anymore and he said that he had done something bad and it had made me sad. Amazingly enough, she didn't ask anything else. Not very nosy is she? Cant be from my side of the family

Thanks for your comments WWIFN, I certainly dont feel like a brilliant Mum. I feel like I am just keeping my head above water. I have got myself convinced that the DC will end up seeing me as the bad one and that makes me sad.

DS is also upset with me because I have booked a holiday for the summer just for me and the DC. He asked if Dad was coming and I said no so he stropped off. I know once we get there they will all be fine. We are only going to Wales to visit my family but staying close to a beach.

Roll on next year

[Thediaryofanobody]

I think your DH should be talking to your DS and making sure that he is aware it's not just your decision to split he seems to be letting you take all the flack.
Obviously your DS needs time to lets his frustration out but that doesn't mean it's OK to let him treat you all badly it could turn out to be a slippery slope.

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

Thanks diary

It always hurts me so much when DS is grotty with me as we are normally very close (mummy's boy ).

He was very sorry later and said he just felt angry. I think they are just having problems expressing the emotions that they are feeling.

I may go and buy a punch bag for us all

[secretskillrelationships]

Separated from my H in the summer and did the 'mummy and daddy don't want to be together anymore' thing. I did this because i felt it was the right thing for the DCs - I didn't want them to feel that they had to take one person's side over the other.

It has been hard. Their dad moved out so, on some level, they do feel rejected by him and they take it out on me. I feel rejected too because, in reality, that is what has happened.

All 3 DCs have reacted differently. But they have all taken their feelings out on me. On some level, they all feel, in slightly different ways, that dad has left me, possibly because I was so angry, and if they get angry with him he might leave them too. That said, they are all fiercely protective of me at times and are surprisingly aware of how much I do to keep everything going.

On my good days, I feel quite honoured that the DCs feel safe enough with me to let it all out. (Obviously, on bad days I don't feel so good and want to tell them what an arse their dad is!)

For all of them, I have tried very hard not to criticise their dad, to tell them that we both love them and also to try to talk to them about different types of love and relationship. That the love between a husband and wife is different to that between parent and child. That one relationship can change but the other is forever.

My youngest (6) has been very whiny and wingey and not wanted to go to school. His behaviour has been really irritating. I've been reassuring him, telling him that mum and dad both love him very much. I have been getting him to punch pillows and it is clear that he is very angry.

Finally, I talked to him about how I thought he was feeling, partly based on how I felt when my parents separated when I was 7. That I thought he hated his mum and dad for what they have done and how much what they have done has hurt him.

Young children are very literal and do not distinguish between behaviour and people. A child behaving badly is a 'naughty' child etc etc. So, I think it is difficult when a child of this age sees his parents, who he is programmed very deeply to love, behaving in ways he sees as 'bad'. Is he bad for not loving his parents? If anyone finds out will he be punished for being bad? If he hates his parents and they find out, maybe they will hate him?

I think this is all very scarey for a small child and they don't have the emotional understanding to articulate it either. It's taken me 9 months to finally sit down with my DS and tell him a little of how I think he might be feeling and to reassure him that however he feels about me won't change how I feel about him. That sometimes I will get angry about his behaviour and get cross but that that does not mean that I don't love him and that I will love him forever, whatever he does. That it is okay and normal for him to hate me sometimes and that I am big enough to cope with that and that is why I am the mummy and he is the child.

Sorry so long, sorry you are going through this.

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

Hi secrets, sounds like you have had a hard time of it. Was someone else involved with your marriage break-up?

Your youngest sounds like my youngest. She has gone quite clingy when she is usually a confident outgoing girl. She was recently asked to go for a play at a friends and they were coming to collect her but she cried that she didn't want to go. I went with her in the end and she was fine then.

I have had chats with DS (11) about the anger. He says he does feel angry and sometimes he cant control it.

Is your H nearby? Does he see the dc lots and does he stick up for you and speak to the dc for you or are you left to deal with it all yourself?

Sorry you are going through this too

[secretskillrelationships]

Hi PrettyFeckinVacant, no-one else was involved in the breakup apart from ex's apparently massive ego, now being fed by the numerous people who are almost literally falling over to spend time with him (male and female).

H is nearby but, according to DCs, is unpredictable and eratic. I do talk to him about it and it has helped a bit but he seems to be living in a world not based particularly closely on reality. I'm basically left to deal with it all myself.

Not sure about the 'joint decision' bit as I feel that it leaves the DCs free to blame/criticise/whatever me as the one most able to deal with it. That said, if I told them that their dad didn't want to be with me I think they would blame him for the break-up and that that would colour their relationship with him. I want them to have a good relationship with him and so I do what i think is right for them (even if it is challenging for me at times).

That said, I am finding that I do need to pull away and am saying more about how I feel, that i feel hurt and sad much like they do. Not sure how many family meals/days out/birthdays I can do but am aware that if I pull out I will look like the baddy. You try to do your best but sometimes it just comes back to bite you.

[lazarusb]

You are doing the right thing. I was told all about my mother's affair with my dad's best friend and was then left (with my brother) with our dad. All decided without our views. It put us in a horrible position for the following 15 years! It's hard but stay solid, be there for them (even the hard bits), don't be afraid to cry. Your dcs will be struggling at the moment and it will be a long haul but you will all move on from this in time. Good luck (and you are a fantastic mum) x