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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

am so upset

15 replies

Mummiehunnie · 04/05/2010 00:45

I have had to deal with so much, I don't want to go into detail, but the catalist for it all was ex leaving suddenly without explanation, which I later found out was for ow!

The children have not seen him in over a year, he and his friends and family scapegoat me, he has told so many lies to ensure his reputation is intact, and runied mine and the lives of myself and the children, emotionally, financially and the whole thing has affected every relationship I now have.

He hates my guts, he is mentally unstable, cruel etc...

The latest is it looks like their wedding is going to take place very soon, he has no intension of the kids coming, and it makes me so angry when they live in near poverty when he has ripped us off financially, and that bloody woman has everyone including my kids family cooing over her, and rejecting them, and she is spending my children's money on effing wedding stuff....

I am trying not to think about it, and have not discussed it with anyone, I am so upset there is always something he does to hurt the children!

anyone else in this position?

OP posts:

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Monty100 · 04/05/2010 00:55

OMG, was, sort of, maybe not to that degree.

I'm really tired and need to go to bed, but I will say don't let them make you as ugly as they are.

My dd told me one day, while passing Russell & Bromley that has those boots........ while I was struggling to pay a childminder because I had to go to work full time when he left to be with her (she didn't work and had no children). It will drive you insane if you let it.

Just wait...... my time came, and so will yours.

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Fruitysunshine · 04/05/2010 00:56

I have been in this position many years ago.....you have to switch off from him and his new relationship and focus on you and your children.

I had the most vile lies spread about me to my EXHs family after he left me 40 weeks pregnant yet he was the one having the affair. It did me no good thinking about what he was doing with his life and thinking about different perspectives as it was driving me to insanity.

It sounds like you are very, very raw about the whole situation and I would suggest that you need someone professional to sound off on. I wish I had that, instead I just fantasised about hiring a hitman one lunchtime after the CSA pressed one button too many!

Seriously, try and get someone to talk to and let off some steam. Forget everyone who is against you and build up your "safe circle"........baby steps.

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GypsyMoth · 04/05/2010 00:58

Csa?

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Fruitysunshine · 04/05/2010 00:59

the CSA are really useless.

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GypsyMoth · 04/05/2010 01:02

They worked for me and surely worth trying. I don't see how else he will pay up!

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Monty100 · 04/05/2010 01:06

Fruity - so did I (think of a hitman).

I have two neighbours that are my son's Godparents, they have never spoken to me since he left (to be with the ow) what he told them I hate to imagine. You couldn't make it up how they behave, especially when they have committed adultery. I still have to hold my head up high when I bump into people because I don't know to this day what he's said to them. And frankly, that's their problem.

Mummie - they need to hate your guts to justify that they've ripped your family apart.

I'm thankful I didn't have a wedding to put up with. I thought I would. But ow was a cantankerous bat (I knew her well lol) and dh soon went off her, well I say soon, it took from start to finish 5 years. But they had quite an ugly relationship and not a pretty departure in the end. And I laughed. (to myself).

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thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 01:07

I'm probably missing something but how do you know all this if your DC haven't seen him in a year and his family all think you are the problem - who is telling you? Is it "friends" or do the DC still see their DGPs?

Or are you checking on FB/still in contact with him?

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Monty100 · 04/05/2010 01:08

CSA don't go after self employed. Particularly those who become 'self unemployed.'

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thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 01:17

They don't hate you for who you are though, generally. What they hate is that they feel guilty inside for ripping the family apart, they don't like feeling guilty, so they re-write history to make out that they were perfectly justified in their actions and somehow it was all your fault - then they can con themselves that they have no need to feel guilty. OF course, once they have re-written history to that extent, they are no longer living in the real world so they behave completely differently to the way they did before with you.

It is a loathsome trait that most men seem to have - because they aren't man enough to deal with the responsibility of wrecking their wife and DCs lives.

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Monty100 · 04/05/2010 01:23

Thumb - absolutely. I call it

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mathanxiety · 04/05/2010 04:38

Yup. Thumbwich, and Monty, and OP (soooo sorry for you and your DCs), it takes a very special kind of spineless rotter to do a thing like that, but although it may seem that everyone has taken his side and left you completely alone, people really do eventually suspect the truth. And as for those who don't see through him -- what does it matter in the end? They are not worth crying over.

And your DCs are better off by far, in the long run as well as right now, to have no contact with their father and his delightful lady friend.

It's very, very hard to deal with the in-your-face-ness of a new marriage on the part of such a scummy exH. Maybe it's the finality that it represents for your own relationship as well as the realisation of how much he's spending on her and in setting up his 'new life' that hurt.

The best revenge is living as full and happy a life as you can, with your head held high and your integrity intact. If there's something getting in the way of you achieving this, I would go and try to find help and support. There are divorce groups in many church congregations and also individual counsellors. xxx

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Mummiehunnie · 04/05/2010 13:18

Mathanxiety, to address your question, what is stopping me, many things, the hurt for the children, the fact we are still going through finances court (his choice)and I am forced to think about it when I am happier not thinking about it, the fact that my own family emotionally abused me (only realised at the end of last year, after having counselling to deal with abuse from ex) and I feel I can't trust anyone from my past, I have distanced myself from people, fallen out with people, as I was angry at myself for allowing it and angry at them for treating me so disgustingly, I had no skills or awareness (as it was switched off by parents, my ex and so called friends who would tell me the sky was pink when I knew it was blue and I lost confidence as they were telling me my gut instincts were not right and I believed them!) How do I know what is going on in his life, many ways, through the court case, through others in their camp, who contact me from time to time with information for their own ends no doubt (it is mostly cooborated later when documents come out through court, so reliable source, not my choice but it is hard to ignore the info)!

Thumb, your words are so very wise, I am going to read the posts again, they have all been so helpful!

I was very sad last night, could not sleep as was continually crying, pmt time! Am now on today and feel back to normal self again!

The thing is though that pain has not gone, that pain of my family being broken up again, that pain of making a bad choice as a father for the children, of letting them down in so many ways, although much of it is not my fault.

I totally agree with the idea that you represent their guilt, and they make up a fantasy world for themselves to cope with what terrible things they have done, I suppose the more they scapegoat us, and blame us and hate us, it is really themselves they hate! They destroy you and their children, all over again day in day out, by lying about you to protect themselves, ensuring they have the family and the children do not!

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Mummiehunnie · 04/05/2010 13:23

Thumb, the grandparents situation is that this is their fourth child to divorce, so they tried very hard to stay neutrel, they were very neglectful of the children, saw them less, did not make any extra effort to see, phone or write to them, they have tried to control me etc, they are getting nasty in letters and twisting things, to justify not giving a present, they are warped and saying that the children do not acknowledge the presents, when they or I phone each time, this time I thought sod you you rotton old cow, it is driven by his controlling, nasty mother rather than the grandfather, it is hard to get him on the phone, I would rather speak to him than her, I could never stand her, she was so dammed scarry! The grandmother, would not believe me when I told her things he son was doing, and has chosen to believe him, her loss!

I do know the children are better off without that loopy family, I just hate the fact that the children were rejected by them all!

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thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 13:40

Horrible situation for you. I do feel so for you. Especially when DGPs take it out on the DC - such a low thing to do.

Silly suggestion maybe, but perhaps you could write thank-you letters for anything that does get sent, and address the envelope to the grandfather rather than her - then at least she wouldn't be able to hide them from him and say you hadn't sent them.