Not told re ex dh jogging with OW-feel weird

[SpiritualKnot]

Posted this on another thread but thought I'd give it it's own thread as I'm really bothered by it.I was doing okay following the break up marriage due to OW. He's moved out and we're divorcing. I know very little about the events leading up to his leaving between him and OW and I prefer it that way.

But had a phone call yesterday from a churchy "friend" who's just heard about our split. I said there was an OW.

She said "oh, is that the girl he goes jogging with?" She's been abroad since before the split and has seen him jogging with the OW before she went and hadn't bloody told me. Don't know when she saw them or how often but feel really sick.

All sounds innocent as if she has sort of forgotten, but I'd often talked of how he enjoyed jogging on his own, so she must have known something was up.

She's not a good friend just a "churchy friend"-she's actually going to a prison in a few days time, to see a church member whose been put away for 14 years for being a paedophile as she's so all forgiving....think I'm gonna puke. This woman speaks at 100 miles an hour and is really hard to understand, so at least the paedo will get to suffer when she visits him.

Her daughter and mine are good friends, hence the friendship, I speak with her at least once a week.

She started to go on and on about the church, I'm not going anymore as it's full of hypocrites as far as I'm concerned.

Why does this bother me so much? Is it coz she knew before I did that something might be going on? Is it that she gave no thought to how I would feel on hearing this? Is it because I regret telling her anything at all as she'll forgive him as she's so all-forgiving?

Can't really pinpoint why I am so bothered, but I do feel angry towards her.

Help!

SK

[overmydeadbody]

You're transfering your anger over the split of your marriage onto this woman.

She hasn't done anything wrong, she just told you something, that doesn't matter anymore as you have split up, try not to dwell on what happened between your H and OW before you split up, it doesn't matter any more.

You are going to feel upset and angry at times, but try not to let things get to you too much as they will only effect you badly.

[MaryBS]

Do you think you could be bothered, because you're hurting because of your marriage breakup? And you're projecting your hurt and anger onto her?

She knew he liked jogging, even jogging alone sometimes, to her it could have been perfectly innocent that he was jogging with someone who happened to be a woman. In my mind this wouldn't be enough to mention to you that he was jogging with a woman.

You have a couple of choices I guess - you could ask her more, or you could leave her alone (as it sounds as if you don't actually like her).

Please understand - I really feel your pain in what you have posted (I lost my ex to another woman), but I think your hurt and rejection is making more of this than perhaps it would if you weren't hurting, if you see what I mean.

[dignified]

Sk, youll probably get mad at everyone, from your inlaws to mutual freinds . It bothered me a lot that people didnt seem to think what he,d done was a big deal. Its really hurtfull and sort of shocking that society doesnt seem to think its a big deal.

Just because shes seen them jogging doesnt mean she knew and didnt tell you, are you angry that she didnt seem to acknowledge how you feel ? I would have to tell people what had happened, and i know its childish, but i wanted people to be outraged on my behalf. Instead some would say " Ah well, these things happen " and id be !!

A divorce is like a clear out, along side it you might start clearing out useless freinds and associates youve collected over the years , and replacing them with freinds who have more compassion and shared experiences.

Id be cross at her too sk, but like you i would struggle to pinpoint it. Half of that would be because of her wittering on anout the church though !
How did the eye treatment go ?

[SpiritualKnot]

When she told me, I immediately brushed it under the carpet and said I didn't know about it but what's happened has happened.

I really did think think it had all happened at the workplace, hadn't realised they'd seen each other outside of work too.

Next thing will be that they've been together for the full year they've worked together and not just the last 3 months before our split....argh!

I haven't been exercising for the last few days, had laser eye surgery and can't go to the gym etc for 2 weeks, but will have to go and do it gently as it def makes me feel better.

I reassure myself that I used to get v upset after relationships of a few dates broke up, so know after 19 years the effects are going to be a lot worse than that.

Hi Dignified, just seen your posting, yes the eye surgery went v well, v painful for about 3 hours after, but great now! I think I will put this lady's friendship to one side. She's not v nice and her dd is a nightmare. Her dd lost a necklace and her mother asked me politely if my dd had "borrowed" it, ie nicked it...charming! She is so religious it is really over the top and I switch off totally when she starts, so that is probably part of it.

SK

[dignified]

Unfortunateley sk you might hear just that as its unlikey he would leave for someone hes only known for a few months. Theres probably lots you dont know and your better off not knowing. I went through a stage where i activeley sought to find out -- and i wish i hadnt, it was truly toe curling stuff.

Its hard and a long haul, but eventually youll arrive at a place where your ok with it. My own position is truly shit , it couldnt be worse financially which is worrying, but im not sorry im here, i wouldnt go back, im a lot happier without him.

Glad the eye surgery went well, i was thinking about you and squirming at the thought of it ! This " freind " sounds like an insensitive nob and someone you could do without at the moment.

[LadyLapsang]

Your marriage is over and of course you are extremely upset. But I don't think you have anything to be bothered about by what this women has said. When she saw your DH jogging before she probably just interpreted the women she saw him with as a friend / someone from the gym; not worth mentioning - she's not the marriage police after all. Probably on hearing your news of the split she is putting 2 and 2 together.

Yes, this is upsetting news but don't shoot the messanger, I don't think she was seeking to cause trouble; looking positively may be she just wanted to reinforce that you are doing the right thing.

[SpiritualKnot]

They had worked together a year, so knew each other well, then his friend died in January which is when, he says, it started. I believe him, as our relaionship certainly nose dived around that time. I thought it was coz he was mourning his friend, but think his friend's death made him realise he wanted to move on.

When he told me I said that it was so sudden and he was like, well it may be sudden for you, but I've wanted to leave for years. I said how convenient of him to wait until he had someone else and he just kept saying that that wasn't the reason he was leaving me...but the OW business makes it 100 times worse for me. Bastard!

I agree the less I know the better and the easier it will be for me to handle. I do feel I want to see the OW and suss her out, but feel that coz he's instigated it, she's just a pawn in his game really.

SK

[SpiritualKnot]

Hi Ladylap,

Yes maybe she just put the 2 and 2 together when I spoke with her and said it, as I said she talks at 100 miles an hour and doesn't think before she speaks. It just made me feel like "Do I want to know more, do I want her to stop, what do I want?" She certainly didn't guess I was upset by her comments. I wanted her to know though as she would have been so sympathetic towards my ex H otherwise and I didn't want that.

In retropspect I would have done the same thing, ie told her, even if I had known she was going to upset me with the news of the OW jogging with him.

God, I hate jogging, we weren't compatible at that level either. Well it won't last I'm sure, he'll start telling her to hold her stomach in when they jog by other people and comment on how messy her hair is....might be a few months but it will start to happen I'm sure of it.

SK

[dignified]

Im sort of glad your getting mad sk, hes been a complete arsehole to you and your family. You might feel mad for a while yet, but its part of the process.

Forget the ow ( easier said than done i know ) , shes probably an arsehole too , but look at it this way, shes took a cheat and a liar of your hands hasnt she. She isnt better than you, prettier than you, she probably just happened to be available.

You know who he is, when you find yourself getting cross towards her think what hes really like, and what shell be putting up with !

Cheeky bastard saying he wanted to leave for years ! Thats probably not true , but his way of justifying leaving.

[SpiritualKnot]

Although he's obviously with this OW nor after working together for a year, his previous female colleague couldn't stand him and used to say "how does your wife put up with you?" She actually requested and got, a transfer as she couldn't bear working with him.

Hopefully this OW will realise what a pig he is at some point and dump him.

SK

[dignified]

I wouldnt be surprised sk, these things often dont work out well. Maybe shes vulnerable in some way ( did you say she was quite young ?) or maybe shes one of these women who get a kick out of seeing married men. Or maybe shes just an arsehole, they do tend to attract each other .

Hehe at that woman requesting a transfer to get away from him !
He,ll get his sk, they always do. Just think, hes got his tart, youve got your family still. Bet you wouldnt swap.

[SpiritualKnot]

No, wouldn't swap. She might be vulnerable but only guessing. She's 29, got a 3 year old child and had no boyfriend, lives with her parents.

Course he could be lying, maybe she's split with a boyfriend and moved back to her parents because of affair with my H.

Feeling a bit better now, up and down, but getting there!

SK

[dignified]

Maybe she is vulnerable then, most adult women with a toddler are independant.
Am glad your feeling a bit better , its a bumpy ride but youll get there.

[SpiritualKnot]

Thanks dignified,

catch you again soon!

Love SK

[SpiritualKnot]

Spookily similar!

Good to hear you you are now okay about it-inspires me to keep going and being strong!

SK