Is snoring really going to end my marriage?

[mrslurkalot]

So, DH didn't snore when we met. He now does, and we're talking house shaking volumes.

I have worn ear plugs for the last 10 years, but when we had DC I couldn't do that and hear them in the night. Going without ear plugs would have meant no sleep at all.

Fine when we just had one, DH slept in the spare room, not ideal but worked as a short term solution. I am a SAHM and so had full responsibility for all the night time feeds etc. DH absolutely did not want to be disturbed.

When DD was born we lost our spare room (3 bed house) so DH ended up sleeping downstairs on a sofa bed and then that broke so he slept on the sofa, definitely not ideal. DH has arthritis in his knees and hips but still felt he got more sleep on the sofa than he would have done waking up with DD and I certainly did, although I can still hear him snoring.

Anyway DD is now sleeping nicely and DH wants very much to sleep in our bed again. I have no problem with this at all. I will wear earplugs and on the rare occasions the children wake up he will hear them and can wake me.

Fine. Except that DH likes to sleep with 2 pillows, this makes his snoring much louder. When I wake up I can tell without looking at him whether he has one or two pillows. I have tried to talk to him about this but he won't listen, tells me that it makes no difference - it does.
This ended in an argument last night and him storming off to sleep on the sofa.
I have just tried to discuss it again and he told me that he wants a divorce. He called me a cunt bitch, nice.
So, sanity check required, am I being unreasonable to ask him to sleep with 1 pillow so that I stand a chance of getting some sleep or am I a 'controlling bitch'?

[DownInTheJungle]

I am not sure if snoring is, but calling you those names would worry me. How is the rest of your relationship - he sounds from what you have said to be quite selfish and controlling

[bramblebooks]

ooh mrs l, just reading this he sounds a plank. Sorry! I lost sympathy for him with his refusal to get up at night with your babies. Having children is about partnership.

I totally get where you're coming from re the snoring, my dh is occasionally banished when he's really bad - he's quite considerate. The other night, apparently, he was fighting robots playing tennis with him, which led him to twitch and flap his legs around too. Oh how attractive and condusive to sleep.

So no, YANBU

[Malificence]

Not to excuse the horrible names he called you, which is totally unacceptable - but could he have sleep apnoea?
Is he tired and grumpy all the time? Sleep deprivation is horrendous and personality changing and could be worth investigating.
Is he also overweight? The arthritis is normally greatly relieved by weight loss.

I work with a woman on the verge of leaving her H - he has the condition but won't use his breathing machine at night , he is also about 25 stone and has v.high blood pressure she has grown to hate him because he won't help himself.

[lifesucks]

YANBU my dp snores badly too but im the one who ends up on the sofa!he shouldnt have called you those names hopefully he will calm down and appologise and reconsider if thats what you want.hope you get it sorted.

[dollius]

For a little context here. My DH snores from time to time. When I poke him, he rolls onto his side, no complaints. When our children cry in the night, he takes his turn to get up with them. It's what a proper partner/parent does.
Your DH is being a twerp.

[mrslurkalot]

Thanks for your replies!

DownInTheJungle, Our relationship is great in some areas and not in others. All our problems come down to lack of communication. He obviously feels shut out and he's ranting. I'm not excusing his behaviour, his language and the manner it was expressed were both disgusting and I told him so. He has anger problems but he's never been physically violent and I have no worries that he would be. Erm, selfish yes I think he is sometimes.

bramblebooks, loving the image of your DH fighting robots! My responsibility for the nights was a joint decision as DH often has to drive long distances, so may not be as bad as it sounds! It did mean that I was VERY tired when the children were babies though, and I suspect this has made me very protective of the sleep I get!

[mrslurkalot]

I think he does have sleep apnoea. He's also overweight but has lost lots recently to try and help his arthritis, which has helped with the snoring a bit.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Get him to go back to the doctor, request tests - and push for a breathing machine if it's apnoea.

His temper will probably improve if he doesn't have to spend half the night suffocating! Not to mention yours ...

[CelticStarlight]

OP, you're DH's behaviour is pretty awful TBH.

He doesn't want any part in taking care of his children at night.

He refuses to do anything about his snoring and even does things which exacerbate it.

When you question him about the snoring he calls you disgusting names.

My own DH is a terrible snorer, but as soon as it started to disturb me he went to his GP who referred him to a sleep clinic at our local hospital. There are two types of snorer: one whose soft palate vibrates (this can be cured by laser surgery which scars the palate and stops it vibrating; and one where the jaw of the snorer falls back during sleep, which causes them to snore (this can be cured by the snorer wearing a specially made gumshield device).

DH was of the second variety and this was discovered after the hospital put him under a general anaesthetic and watched him snore. The snoring device he had made is a little miracle in itself and change our sleeping habits and life forever.

There is no need for you to suffer in this way and your DH should be doing everything in his power for you to be able to get a good night's sleep - not calling you horrible names.