What can I do to make it better?

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

My Dh has a painful, degenerative (incurable but not life threatening) condition (diagnosed quite reecently). We have a 2 yr old DS. He has become so angry lately; I know he is struggling with pain, fatigue and fear (understandably) but his temper is awful, shouting at me and DS. I feel I am walking on egg shells. We have been together 13 years and I love him very much but feel I am losing him. He won't go for counselling or support groups (together or individually), rarely discusses it and says I blame too much on the condition when it is me/something else (i.e. not his illness). I know he's afraid but I can't help him. I am sacrificing my self esteem, confidence and parenting beliefs trying to help, support and sometimes placate him, and it can't go on. Where can I go from here? I don't suppose there are any answers but I don't want to elave him and can't do that to him.

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

leave him, that was meant to say

[sayithowitis]

How recently was this diagnosed? It could be that he is still coming to terms with what is happening to him and is finding it difficult. He is angry, not with you, but with himself. He is probably beginning to realise all the things he won't be able to do because of his condition and is finding it upsetting. If he is in pain, it may be that any pain relief is not yet at the right level for him, though IME, often, with chronic painful conditions, there is still a constant, if lower, pain that lingers. He also sounds as though he is in denial to some degree, and that would explain his reluctance to attend counselling etc. I don't know what to suggest. Maybe you could do some research about the condition, see if there are any support groups for families of sufferers, online maybe?

It is very difficult for you, but it does sound as though he really needs your support at the moment. Do you have anyone who can support you? Does he have any other family who can help? Sometimes you need someone to rant at and also possibly to give practical help as well? Does DH work? how will thet be affected by what is happening to him? If he works, are his employers sympathetic towards him? Is he worried about his ability to continue working?

Probably not a lot of help I am afraid.

[outofmysystem]

It sounds as if the condition is a lot to cope with,and it has changed the dynamic of your relationship too

does he feel you are mothering him or controlling him a bit and is he usually very independent?

What condition does he have?

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

thanks so much for your replies. 8sayithowitis* you are right with all you say. He was actually diagnosed 3 years ago (recent in terms of how long we have been together) but treatment is still not quite right, despite consultant's best efforts. I know he needs me right now and I will do all I can, but it feels like I am a punch bag (not literally, he would never be violent) and cannot do the right thing. He doesn't want sympathy, he doesn't want to talk about it but it can't be ignored; it affects us! the condition is rhumatoid arthritis. He has never been very independent - I have always looked after him(!) but the dynamic has ceratinly changed - he is the main bread winner and so has a lot of responsibilty on his (sore) shoulders. Thanks so much for not being judgey of him or me.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Poor you, IATTS. I know I shouldn't genderise here, but it so often is the case that men will not come to terms with illness or disability! They seem to prefer blaming their nearest & dearest for their drop in performance, rather than accepting the cause & mobilising all potential sources of treatment. Not very nice for you.

As you've "mothered" him throughout your relationship, he probably has got into the habit of expecting you to sort out his worries for him - leaving you in a bit of a bind when it comes to something that's out of your control. There doubtless are some complementary measures you can take - researching diet and nutrition for the condition, for example - but, ime, it can take a bloody hard shove to get a man like this to start taking care of himself.

XH#1 suffered a serious foot injury once, which the surgeon said may leave him unable to walk properly. He wimped around for months & months, not even doing his physio exercises (and blaming me for that, too!). Eventually his boss came to our house one morning & told him to get in the car, he was going to work. The company then offered him help with transport - for a fixed period - but said he couldn't stay off work any longer. The prospect of losing his job was the kick up the bum he needed; he started doing the physio and regained full use of the foot. Had the company been softer on him, he'd probably be lame to this day.

I do realise your man isn't in the same position, but wanted to support any drastic measures at your disposal, to get him taking responsibility for himself! You shouldn't put up with whining & blaming for more than a few months - or you'll end up sick as well. Have you talked to your GP about it?

[sayithowitis]

3 years is quite a while ago now, to be honest. Did he think that by now he would be (relatively) pain free? Has his pain got worse lately? Don't know too much about rheumatoid arthritis, but I know that osteo arthritis can worsen after a viral infection, such as flu. And, having to live with the pain is really not pleasant. BUT, he should not be taking it out on you after this length of time. I thought at first, it was within the last few months, but 3 years! It really sounds as though he has not accepted what is happening to him and he needs to.

I just googled this
rheumatoid arthritis support groups for families
and there are loads of sites, the one called RASCALS looks helpful, but there are a lot of groups there.

Have a look. Maybe they can be of help to your DH in accepting his condition and help you to cope with what sounds a very stressful and upsetting way of life at the moment.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise it'd been so long either Apologies for irrelevant reply, OP. Good luck with the groups ...

[saddest]

I have rheumatoid.

It developed after the birth of dd five and a half years ago.

Is he on steroids? Or methotrexate? I found the methotrexate definitely affected my mood. I refuse to take it now, mainly because A) It didn't work, and B) I was being prescribed drugs to counter the side affects. Which is silly.

Steroids can affect mood and behaviour.

I find that an anti inflammatory diet helps....google it, but essentially, ginger, turmeric, green tea, omega3 fish etc.. I exercise a lot, and it really helps, I use hydrotherapy, sauna and do yoga.

I also found that meditation and positive visualisation help, as does EFT. I am on very little now, just 2mg of prednisolone, but the stress of my current situation WILL make things worse for me as the adrenalin weras off.

I'm so sorry, it's a horrid thing.

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

thank you so much all of you. I will let you know how it goes, such sound advice from everyone, no time to comment now. It feels quite recent to us as it has got worse (he is on metho, humira injections and a presriction AI, forget it's name!)

[cestlavielife]

a support group for you sounds like a good idea.

his choice not to go to one - but you can make it clear that you still need some support as it afects you as well.

also set boundaries - you understand he is angry but he is not to take it out on you./dc.

if he shouts at you/dc then you will xxxxxx (decide on apparopriate action and follow thru - eg walk out of room, go away to friends for the evening and leave him alone etc.)

[ItsGraceAgain]

My mother has arthritis (the normal variety) and successfully controls it with an antacid diet, similar to Saddest's. She's gluten-free and takes large doses of 'healthy bacteria' - acidophilus & its cousins. Since she increased her amount of those, she's been completely symptom-free. High-dose Vitamin B complex supports the nervous system - very high doses: you'd have to check if it's OK with his medications.

For yourself and your family, Cest's advice about boundaries is crucial I think. You may have to apprach this as you would handle a stroppy toddler! Support groups for you are a great idea; it's true about a trouble shared.
Good luck