I've just told my father that I think he's in an abusive relationship - how can I help him from this point onwards?

[ThisCharmingFlan]

My father had been single for about ten years before meeting his current partner, who he has been with for about 18 months. My sister and I were initially delighted that he had found someone, but it soon became clear that she a controlling and abusive bully, who my father seems to be incapable of standing up to.

We've let a lot of terrible behaviour pass mostly unremarked upon as he assures us that she "can have such a sweet side" and "she doesn't mean it" but recently he's hinted at some real emotional cruelty and possibly physical violence from her (he quickly clammed up when I tried to find out exactly what had been going on)

Things came to a head this weekend when she verbally abused him at a major family gathering. I couldn't stand by and watch any longer as I've witnessed my father turn from a happy and positive man into a shadow of himself - mentally and physically.

Today I sat him down and explained how worried I am and that I thought she was abusive and that he deserved to be far happier than he is. He was defensive at first and then just seemed very broken as he understood how concerned family and friends have become. He maintains that we don't see the side to her that she does, but seemed to take on board that it was an unhealthy situation.

I'm terrified that I've done the wrong thing - I'm usually very non-confrontational. I'd like to know how I can support him going forward. Is there some kind of help out there so he can speak to someone knowledgeable and impartial? I feel like I've said my piece and it's all a bit raw, he really seemed to be in shock that I'm so worried about him. I don't know what to do from here. If anyone has any advice or experience of this I'd be hugely appreciative.

[ThisCharmingFlan]

That all came out in a bit of a blurt

I'm around for a bit before DC's bedtime in case anyone needs more details for a fuller picture. Thanks again.

[mrsboogie]

Jesus, of course you've done the right thing, how did you stop yourself form jumping down her throat at the family gathering?? He is being abused just like a woman would be in the same situation. She is an abuser. She drops just enough sweetness into the relationship to confuse him into thinking there is a good person in there somewhere if he only he could keep her happy enough or do everything the way she wants it done, she would always be like that. She bloody wouldn't, as we know.

I'm afraid I would be going round to see her mob handed with siblings in tow and tearing a bloody strip off her.

Your poor dad - you have to get him away from her.

I hope someone comes along with some practical advice.

[ThisCharmingFlan]

Thanks, mrsboogie. I only found out about the incident at the family do the day afterwards, I'd have dragged her out by her hair had I witnessed it. Quite glad I didn't know at the time as I've had a chance to give a more reasoned approach.

He's making all the right noises about enough being enough but I know she'll get round him. It breaks my heart to see him being treated like this.

[ThisCharmingFlan]

wee bump for the evening crowd..

[uglymugly]

This is a very painful situation to find yourself in. MrsBoogie is right in saying "he is being abused just like a woman would be in the same situation". There should be some kind of support system for men in this kind of situation, but I don't know if there is one.

When your father mentions that there's a sweet side to this woman the rest of you don't see, it might be worth gently asking why that is - and why the side that everyone else sees is the one she felt free to display at the family gathering.

But it's probably not best to keep mentioning her bad behaviour, because that might make him feel he needs to defend his initial decision to get together with her (sucked in by her). Maybe just make that point about her public behaviour, and then continue to emphasise that he deserves to be happier, especially as he seemed to respond to that. Also, maybe you could focus on his health being affected by stress.

In other words, try to make this all about him, rather than his partner. You could research Relate and see if that kind of counselling could help him.

A concerted family action plan would also be helpful, but that needs to be carefully managed so your father feels supported rather than pressured.

I've seen this kind of situation before. Although there is thankfully greater awareness these days about women being bullied by their partners, this is still a way to go to supporting men who are in a similar situation.

[msrisotto]

www.mankind.org.uk
www.respect.uk.net/mens_advice.php
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/fo rMen.htm

Some websites that have advice.

[ThisCharmingFlan]

uglymugly I agree that he could become more defensive if we piled on the emphasis on her faults. I can't help thinking that if the situation were reversed I'd be embarrassed that my family could all see what a bad choice of partner I'd made, and I'll bet anything that my Dad feels the same. I'm not surprised that he defends her, it must be incredibly hard to admit that he's invested so much time in a person that everyone else thinks is so flawed.

msrisotto thank you for the links - I'll look at them now.

[AgentProvocateur]

Are you in Scotland? If you are and your dad is vulnerable in any way - elderly or disabled, for example - the LAs have adult protection committees who can intervene if adults are at risk of harm. My machine is too slow tonight to do links, but google "act against harm". If you're not in Scotland, this information is of no use to you at all. Sorry.